How Rejection Can Empower Your Love Life
From high school crushes to job interviews, we’ve all experienced rejection.
Being the rejecter can be just as unpleasant as being the rejectee, and these memories can make us shy away from it.
Despite being one of our most common fears, rejection doesn’t have to be scary; rather, it can be a positive experience for all people involved that encourages honesty, openness, personal growth, and more.
Everyone Says No
“No” is one of the first words we learn. As toddlers, we master rejection before we master the ability to walk. Of course, as children, we reject things that don’t meet our basic needs - food we don’t like, uncomfortable temperatures, etc.
As we grow into adults, we’re supposed to reject things that don’t meet complex needs.
We begin to reject activities that don’t fulfill us, relationships that don’t satisfy us, and situations that could lead to negative emotional outcomes.
Everyone says no, but somewhere along the way most of us lose the self-assurance of a toddler. We get told to stop saying no. We remember how it hurts when someone says no to us.
Instead of practicing rejection, we try to avoid it altogether. However, we still need it, especially when it comes to love.
Rejection and Love
Anyone who’s been in love knows that we’re most vulnerable when we open our hearts to others. Rejection is part of the radar that keeps our hearts safe.
You may want to reject someone based on their red flags. Maybe you need to reject them because you’re still getting over your last relationship, you’re going through too many personal life changes, you simply don’t feel a connection, or anything else - it’s also okay if you don’t have a reason.
Love will always cause some pain eventually, but heeding your impulse to reject can help steer you toward healthier connections.
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Staying True to Yourself
It’s not always easy to say no, (especially if you’re a people-pleaser) but you owe it to yourself to stick to your needs and desires; otherwise, you’ll enter a relationship you don’t truly want. This is a type of dishonesty that leads to disaster. When you compromise your wants and needs at the beginning of a relationship, you’ll continue to compromise them throughout.
Eventually, you’ll find yourself unhappy, and chances are your partner will too.
The easiest way to be true to your heart is to listen to your rejection radar. If you pay attention, it can teach you things about yourself. Ask yourself:
Why do you feel like rejecting this person?
Are they unable to meet your emotional or sexual needs?
Do you find their appearance unattractive?
Do they want different things than you do?
Is the rejection about them, or would you reject virtually anyone because of outside circumstances?
As you answer these questions, you start to paint a clearer picture of what satisfies your heart.
Empowering Your Relationships
This image isn’t only for rejecting; once you know what you don’t want, you begin to understand what you do want.
Rejection keeps you away from unhealthy relationships and steers you toward better ones.
In this way, rejection helps you and the rejectee grow as a person (if they keep an open mind). When you refuse to reject someone you don’t want, you tell yourself that their desires are more important than your needs. Whether you intend it or not, this message sinks into your self-esteem.
When you use rejection appropriately, on the other hand, you tell yourself that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s.
You practice treating yourself as an equal when it comes to love, and that message sinks in too. This is how rejection empowers you. It doesn’t just keep you out of unhealthy relationships, it also gives you the honesty and self-esteem to thrive in a healthy relationship.
Rejection and Trust
Would you rather your partner agree to something that they don’t want to do, or reject a proposal honestly? For most of us, it’s the latter - in fact, many of us have anxiety about whether or not our partner actually wants to do certain things or is just being nice to us.
This is where politeness goes too far and trust erodes. The answer is respectful rejection. This doesn’t necessarily mean rejecting everything you don’t want to do, but it does mean treating your desires equally.
When you aren’t afraid to use “no,” then “yes” starts to carry more weight.
“No” is all about honesty. You owe it to yourself to reject advances you don’t like, ideas you aren’t fond of, and situations that aren’t healthy for you. This lets your partner know that they can trust you to be honest about your feelings. Likewise, it helps them love you better when they understand your “no”s.
Communicating Rejection
Most of us have negative memories of rejection, but it doesn’t have to be an unpleasant experience. If you find yourself on the spot, it can help to say, “I need to think about it first.” This gives you time to organize your thoughts respectfully and healthily.
It’s also important to realize that no matter how gently you reject someone, it’ll probably still hurt a little. That’s a risk they are responsible for.
You’re responsible for treating them with kindness and respect, but you are not responsible for how they feel about being rejected.
It’s important to understand this because guilt leads to unhealthy rejection communication. Be as honest as you can with the person you are rejecting; if you simply don’t feel attracted to them, then say so. Don’t shift the blame to another person, relationship, or circumstance unless it’s the truth. If you do, it may cause them to hold out hope for a relationship later or to take other unhealthy actions.
If you don’t want to be with them, then they deserve to know in concrete terms that it’s time for them to move on. Again, if there’s nothing they can do to make you want to be with them, just say so. Some people may try to bargain with you or even get angry, so it’s best to disengage until they cool off.
You never deserve to be harassed, berated, or verbally abused for rejecting someone.
There’s no blueprint for the perfect rejection, but try to put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if you put yourself out there and got rejected? Tailor your responses with empathy so you can help nurse their ego a little if appropriate. Most of all, respect yourself and your right to reject.
Relationships Are Built on Honesty
Rejection is the honest practice of respecting what you want and need. You cannot build a successful relationship without that honesty.
Rejection helps you grow as a person who understands what they do and don’t want.
It also helps you treat yourself with the respect you deserve, and there’s no way to be in a healthy and respectful relationship if you don’t respect yourself first.
