How to Stop People-Pleasing
People pleasing; self-sabotaging, self-deprecating, self-annihilating. The stealthiest of them all. The love martyr's pedestal mechanism.
Yes. Being a people pleaser is an arduous form of existence.
The word "NO". Uncomfortable already? Ah, the Achilles heel of all love-anxious individuals.
We'd rather whip ourselves till there's no flesh left on our back than utter a simple two-letter word. "No" hits differently when you're a people pleaser. It heralds the world's ending, a cataclysm, the four horsemen of the apocalypse. "Anything but that. Please. Love me. I need you to need me. And never let me go. Because, if you do, I will lose myself, and all my self-love will vanish into thin air." Is it just me or is it getting excruciatingly hot in here? Open a window or two, and let some air inside. This is how to stop people pleasing.
Are you a people pleaser?
So, are you? Most of us already have emergency verbal defenses stocked up. And even rehearsed in advance. Me? No. What's wrong with caring for the people I love? I'm being supportive and do my best to make them happy. That's all. All of my relationships are healthy. So, a relationship red flag or truth? Let's find out. Signs of people-pleasing behavior include:
Unable to say "NO". Saying no brings inexplicable dread due to your (albeit subconscious and involuntary) need to be liked and accepted by everyone. Without any tangible reason, you find that communicating with your significant other (or people in general) is easier if you display agreeableness at all times.
Boundaries? Who needs those? The urge to help your partner overshadows your own well-being. "I'm okay. They need me more than I need myself." Dollops of guilt surround the very thought of setting boundaries. Depriving someone of help is not an option, probably due to a strong sense of shame (stemming from childhood).
Others' opinions. They matter. The anxiety around your self-image is intense, and you need your partner to see you in a positive light. You find yourself adjusting to their vision, even if it means losing your authentic self (this behavior can hinder constructive communication).
"I'm sorry." The thought of someone being angry with you is unbearable. You feel as though people's feelings and reactions are your responsibility, so you gladly overextend yourself and try to mend things (even when they have nothing to do with you). You apologize frequently.
Work with a relationship expert to set your relationship up for success!
To stop people pleasing behavior, ask yourself: "Where do all my guilt and shame come from?"
Other signs include:
waiving "me" time; always at your service
you seek constant approval
you have low self-confidence and self-esteem
you fear being portrayed as aggressive or selfish
you are reluctant to share your feelings
you say "yes" to their every suggestion
So, is it possible to heal from this peculiar form of auto-malaise? I say – yes. Absolutely.
Let’s stop people-pleasing and start embracing your authentic self.
How do I stop?
First, let's discern healthy from unhealthy pleasing patterns. The first step to healing the hindering behavior is acknowledging the very existence of the problem. And, no. There's no need for self-flagellation; if you have a problem, you're not the problem. So, to stop people pleasing, we first learn to identify how people see us through the unhealthy pleasing lens.
How people see us (unhealthy):
subservient
co-dependent
a human doormat/punching bag (whatever you prefer)
fawning
socially faultless (also dangerous)
How people see us (healthy):
helping hand
cooperative
communicative
kind
caring
independent
boundaries
Moving experts from muvnow.com share: "We've participated in couples' relocation process innumerable times; to move is to start anew, and without mutual trust and open communication, there's no moving forward. Figuratively and literally."
Before saying "Yes."
Stop. Take two. Are you saying "yes" because You want it or because your partner wants it? Before the "nod reflex" kicks in and you say – "Of course, whatever makes you happy. Let's do that." ask yourself: "But, what about what I want? Do I really want this? Why? Am I just afraid of disappointing them? Losing them? Or does my "Yes" feel genuine?
Practice listening to your subtle, inner cues. Let your heart speak; refrain from suppressing the truth, no matter how insignificant the request (e.g., "I'm in the mood for homemade lasagna tonight, baby." – and you say: "Actually, I was thinking taco night."). One small step for mankind, one giant leap for man.
Yes, we can. But, we don't have to.
Embrace conflict
But harmonious couples never fight, right? – No. Unhealthy couples shy away from conflict; healthy ones embrace it. Without inviting arguments into a relationship, it is bound to stagnate and gradually deteriorate. Remember, communication is vital. The dark side included. To people pleasers, saying what they actually need, prefer, and want presents an insurmountable task. Why? Because conflict creates room for aggression, assertiveness, and brutal honesty. It welcomes the "authentic you," – which can be an awfully frightening experience for the anxious types. However, "letting the beast" out is paramount for healing unhealthy pleasing patterns. Being honest and open about your feelings is invaluable for regaining self-worth.
"But, they'll leave once they get to know my self-centered, bad-tempered side. I can't afford to lose them." It's just rumination talking. Refrain from replaying worst-case scenarios; you're treading the surrealism waters. That's your cue to bring your feet back to Earth.
Grand finale: "NO."
We're not saying, please, by all means, practice becoming a narcissist. No is a healthy word (albeit it can be used as a form of punishment). It creates room for assertiveness. The whole idea behind adopting the "negative" discourse is to become comfortable with the concept of "I matter too. My emotions, my time. Those are precious to me. My mental health. My freedom."
Saying no doesn't mean we intentionally hurt, deprive others, or disregard their feelings. We're simply taking ours into account. The word no is the hardest word to utter for any individual with an anxious attachment style. But we do it. Firmly. And with kindness.
Lastly
To stop people pleasing, learn to ask yourself: "What about my needs?" and teach yourself how to prevent mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. Me first. Baby steps.
