How to kick the diet culture, love your body, and improve your relationships | With Jemma Haythorne, Body Image and Food Freedom Coach
It's time to burn diet culture to the ground!
Jemma Haythorne is a Body Image & Food Freedom Coach who works from the non-diet approach, and will help you transform your relationship with food and your body, so that your life can be full of fun and pleasure again. Jemma believes in a weight-inclusive, Health at Every Size approach that helps you to achieve your goals from a place of self-love, respect and a positive mindset. Health doesn’t have to be hard!
Main points from the show:
Jemma shares what intuitive eating is and how it's coming back to what our body is asking for. She warns how restricting foods can lead to unhealthy eating habits, so giving yourself the freedom to eat what you want takes the power away from food.
She notes that body image comes down to mindset, not about what you look like and affirmations alone improve your body image. The mirror exercise that she teaches can help you change the way you view yourself and help you realize that body acceptance can be more achievable than body positivity.
We talked about weight and how praising a partner for losing weight can do more hurt than good. Instead, try praising the actions your partner is taking on their health journey instead. She shared how to respond to people commenting on your weight.
Lastly, we discussed how body image and working on a health journey impacts your sex life. She also shared how to feel more safe and confident in yourself about being intimate.
Stay in touch with Jemma:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/inspire__wellness
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/InspireWellnessAU
Podcast: Finding Freedom with Inspire Wellness https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/finding-freedom-with-inspire-wellness/id1588346813
Get Jemma's 5 Step Method to Looking in the Mirror and Loving What You See, Without Having to Change Your Body!
https://www.inspirewellnessau.com.au/body
Want to work with Jemma? Join the Confidence Code
https://www.inspirewellnessau.com.au/the-confidence-code-waitlist
About the Host:
Paige Bond is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Creator of the Jealousy to Joy Journey. Her mission is to help people-pleasing millennials navigate non-monogamy so they can tame their jealousy and love with ease.
Want to learn ten effective strategies to calm your jealousy in less time than it takes to finish your morning coffee ☕ ⏰?
Download Now at www.paigebond.com/calm-the-chaos-jealousy-workbook-download
Disclaimer: This podcast and communication through our email are not meant to serve as professional advice or therapy. If you are in need of mental health support, you are encouraged to connect with a licensed mental health professional to receive the support needed.
Mental Health Resources:
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Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling.
Intro music by Coma-Media on pixabay.com
Transcript
Paige:
So welcome back to another episode of Stubborn Love everyone. This is a first time that we are going to have um a topic like this on the show. And I'm super excited because we have Jemma Haythorne here all the way from a strip. She's a body image and food freedom coach and I'm super excited for her uh to talk today about the show, not just because of my own selfishness um and eagerly always wanting to learn about nutrition and wellness, but because we're gonna talk about body image intuitive eating and how it relates to having healthy romantic relationships. So, Jemma, thank you so much for being here today. Um Before we get started on today's topics, can you introduce yourself and tell listeners a little bit about your journey on how you got to where you are today?
Jemma
Thank you. I'm very excited to be here. I love chatting about this stuff, so very keen to get into it. Uh So like you said, I'm Jemma. I'm a body image and food freedom coach. So obviously that means I work with predominantly women but on things like body image, confidence, self love and food freedom, which encompasses intuitive eating, having a healthy relationship with food, but also things like mindset and sustainable healthy habits.
Because I'm a big believer in, well, I guess a big non-believer in diet culture, it is something I am absolutely fighting against at the moment because I've seen how it can for lack of a better word, kind of ruined lives. And that is something that's kind of happened to me, which is part of where the reason that I got here. So I struggled with my body for probably 16 years.
From the time I was 10 years old, I started really disliking my body, really being uncomfortable with who I was. And it made me very self-conscious. It made me struggle with my mental health a lot of the time across the years. But really it would kind of show up and, and win a way of trying to be healthy is what I always said, I was always trying to be healthy.
I was trying to do the right thing. And part of that came down to lack of education, I guess about what is actually healthy and what is not. But also a big part of it was just that kind of societal pressure to look a certain way, be a certain way. And for me that came down to wanting to lose weight most of the time, which I think a lot of people can relate to.
But unfortunately, I suppose I kind of took it too far. And this is a story that at the time I felt like I was really alone. I felt like I was the only person who was really struggling with this and going through this. But I've since realized, I think 90% of particularly women, but also men are struggling with this type of thing. It's very, very, very rare to meet someone who has never had any struggle with food or any struggle with their body.
And for me that ended up with me getting kind of more and more restrictive, trying to lose weight, trying to be healthy, particularly when I worked in a gym, which you would think would be a healthy environment, you know, focus on nutrition, focus on wellness. But it really wasn't. For me, it kind of did the reverse. So long story short, I ended up with binge eating disorder, depression and anxiety because I was constantly trying to restrict myself.
And as I've learned now, it's like when you restrict the pendulum swings back and that can often lead to binging and that side of things which I'm sure we'll get a little bit into today. But for me, that ended up with me just being really unhappy and yeah, really struggling with my body, really struggling with food and feeling like there was something wrong with me.
But eventually I discovered that actually this is the body's natural reaction to what I was doing. This is the brain's natural reaction to what I was doing. And once I realized that I was already studying nutrition, I was studying an advanced certificate of nutritional wellness because I thought, well, if I study I'll be told what the right thing is because I'm hearing that I should do keto and intermittent fasting and paleo and plant based.
And I tried to do all of those things at once, which let me tell you not a good idea. I could eat, not fun at all. But I thought, you know, if I study, they'll tell me what the right way is, they'll tell me what the good thing is and it kind of didn't, I suppose. But eventually I realized that what I was doing wasn't normal, wasn't OK. It wasn't making me happy.
And thank God for my cousin who was a dietician at the time. And she sent me this book called Intuitive Eating. And that changed my life. Basically learning to eat intuitively, learning about the non diet approach. Really kind of made me a overcome all of my own issues. And then b go oh my God, this is what I wanna do with my life.
I wanna help other people to overcome this negative relationship with food and with our body. That is kind of the norm I think in society and is programmed into us, you know, throughout our lives. So yes, that's uh I was gonna say short, not really short. Way of telling you how I got to where I am now.
Paige
Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much for giving us that picture. And really, I mean, I can relate to so much of what you just said about diet culture and like the pendulum swinging back and forth where we go into, you know, this restrictive phase and then we go back into, well, I'm doing so good or healthy quote and then, you know, really wrecking our body and then wrecking our self esteem and then putting a lot of guilt and a lot of shame on us for not being quote, you know, the, the societal norms or the societal, really celebrities and all of the media that we think that what we're supposed to look like. So, um, I think what you're saying hits the like story of so many people. Um And I'm, you know, just really thankful that you're able to come on here and like, share that with us and, um, help us kind of change our mindset around this.
Jemma
Oh, any time this is, this is why I love doing things like this because my whole philosophy is when you, you know, if I help one person, like I help a client or something, they're gonna go and help change the mindset of 5 10, you know, 20 other people and start talking about how there is a different approach. So that's why I love doing podcasts and things.
Paige
So Jemma I was, uh, thinking about something you said the phrase intuitive eating and how that's been really life changing for you. And so I don't know what our listeners know about nutrition and wellness, but could you define what intuitive eating is?
Jemma
Intuitive eating is something that sounds like, pretty straightforward, I suppose. But it also kind of goes against what most of us are taught to do throughout our lives. It's pretty much the opposite of dieting. So intuitive eating is about listening to your body and giving it what it's asking for. So it sounds very simple in principle. But for a lot of us, we've been dieting or restricting in some form over our lives, whether that's, you know, being on actual diets, like some of the ones I mentioned before, maybe keto or intermittent fasting those kinds of things. It's also things like, you know, instead of eating when we're hungry, we go and say drink a glass of water because I shouldn't be hungry yet or chew gum or something like that or, you know, thinking I, you know, shouldn't be eating pasta. So I go and make oodles like those zucchini noodles or something.
Instead that's all anything that comes with like rules and restrictions is a part of diet culture. So intuitive eating is about coming back to what our body is asking for. So for a lot of people that sounds really scary because they think, and I was absolutely one of these people if I had the choice to eat what my body was asking for without restricting myself.
I just eat pizza for every meal or chocolate. Ok. I'm not gonna eat a green vegetable. What do you need? Why would I choose to eat that when I can eat something else? Because intuitive eating has no rules. It has no restrictions. You're allowed to eat all foods, you're allowed to eat any quantity. We don't track macros or calories or anything like that.
You're not limited to eat at certain times or certain portion sizes. And like I said, that sounds scary for people. But the reason that sounds scary is and the reason that we think the things that like I used to that, you know, you, you would just eat takeaway for every meal is because right now you might be restricting takeaway or you might be restricting chocolate.
So it's, our brains are fickle things. Our brains are just attracted to what we can't have. So once you truly are allowed to eat all those things at all times, you don't really want them as much anymore. Now, that's not to say that I now don't eat chocolate or takeaway. I still eat chocolate and takeaway but nowhere near what I used to. So I used to eat at least a block of chocolate a day.
Often more. I had been known to eat four blocks of chocolate in one sitting. Now I don't eat chocolate anywhere near every day. I recently realized that I still had chocolate from two Easters ago, like Easter eggs from two Easters ago. And this wasn't like hiding in my pantry, you know, hidden away. This was sitting in a bowl on my coffee table because it takes the power out of food.
And so many of us feel controlled and consumed by food. That was an awful accidental pun but so many of us feel consumed by food. But the biggest thing with intuitive eating is taking away that power and realizing that it's actually not that big of a deal. Like food is just food. We can use it to fuel our body, but we can also use it for enjoyment for pleasure because food is meant to be pleasurable and that's part of intuitive eating.
So it's not just eating when you're hungry and stopping when you're full. Yes, that is one kind of part of it. But some people also, particularly when you're used to doing diets can take that a bit far like I used to do that all the time. Be like hang on. How hungry am I am I? A seven out of 10 on the hunger scale or a six out of 10 because I can't eat till I'm a seven and that's natural.
It's natural to do that. But it's also about, you know, what does your body want in this moment? From a nutritional standpoint to nourish myself and to take care of my health. But also what does it want from a pleasure standpoint? So I think that's a brief, brief, brief overview of intuitive eating.
Paige
Oh, thank you so much for explaining it like that. At, at first I was kind of thinking I had this imagery in my hand of like, oh intuitive eating is like this lawless society and it's like the wild wild west that is. And uh ... yeah, and um the, the way you explained it though, like it, it makes more sense. Like the more we do something or have something of that thing that we think is like uh just like that um thing that we shouldn't have, you know, we have that like probably inner critic in my head don't have that bar of chocolate if we release that restriction on ourselves, it makes sense where that desire kind of decreases with it because it's like, oh, it's just chocolate, it's
Jemma
100% and taking that power out of it is one of the biggest things and so many people are like what I used to be like and they are like, well, that would never work for me because, you know, I, like I said, I would never choose something green over pizza for example. But the only reason you think like that is because that's what you've always experienced. And in actual fact, that's kind of not how it works. It's so I love watching people go through this journey.
It's my favorite thing, seeing my clients go from thinking I could never do that to being like, oh, my God, I went through the t, like, the McDonald's drive-through with my kids and I didn't get myself anything cos I didn't want it or I started eating a cheeseburger and then went, actually, I don't want this and threw it out, like, for people who struggled with that stuff that's unheard of.
Paige
Mhm. I'm, I've had like some of those same experiences where because I even actually this morning, I woke up um and this is part of like that diet culture, not so much related to intuitive eating, but the kind of body image issues that I think a lot of us can relate to. I had this thought in my head. Gosh, um you know, you, you need to like lose a, lose a few pounds to look like X Y Z. And I've done a lot of my own self work to try to really reframe like my health journey instead of looking at it as a numbers based thing. Look at as a, how do I feel based thing? Do I feel healthy? Do I get the kind of movement in my body that, that I want to have? Do I get the flexibility in my body that I want to have? And so I'm kind of wondering how, how you help clients whenever they're struggling with any of their um self image body. So
Jemma
body image really all comes down to mindset and that's not what we think of automatically we think. Oh, you know, to fix the way I feel about my body, I need to change my body, I need to change the way my body looks. But body image is not about what you look like. And a way that I really like to demonstrate this because I think a lot of people can relate to.
It is think back to a time when you didn't like your body say it was when you were 18, for example, and you looked at yourself and thought, oh my God, I'm disgusting. All that negative self talk. Then when you're, I don't know, 21 you look back at a photo photo of yourself at 18 and you're like, oh my God, look at me then I look so good. Now I'm so gross.
What was that complaining about? Then you get to 25 you look at a photo of you at 21 you're like what I look so good then. But now I'm gross. This is proof that body image is not about what you look like because if it was you would have been stoked at 21 you would have been happy at you know, 18 but it's not, it's in our heads. And that's also, you know, you know, some days you look in the mirror and you're like, oh yeah, I'm OK.
I don't mind and then the next day you're like, oh my God, look at my stomach. This is gross. Your body doesn't change that much day to day. It is in our heads. We think that it does. So that's the first thing is recognizing that the work that you have to do when you're working on your body image is all down to mindset. And there are so many different facets to this, so many kind of deep things that I go into.
There's things like limiting beliefs, it's working with your subconscious mind, it's really working on. There's things like affirmation and gratitude. But because I think those are the things that people first go to, but they're quite surface level, you're not going, particularly if you're someone who's struggled with your body for, you know, 2030 40 years, you kind of can't undo it by looking in the mirror every day going.
I am beautiful. I am beautiful. I love my body like they're great things to do. Absolutely. But if you're not doing it in conjunction with a whole lot of other things, you kind of can't actually achieve that deep lasting change. But it is a good place to start and for people who, you know, maybe do want to improve their body image, but they're not sure how to start.
I've got an exercise that I'd be happy to share with you. Um which is, it's actually come into, I've been doing it for years and it's something that's kind of come into the media a bit more recently because I've seen, like, I think Meghan Trainor talk about it and maybe even Kylie Jenner or Kendall Jenner, one of them spoke about it and that it's called the, well, I call it the mirror exercise and basically, I mean, I do it slightly different to how the celebrities have spoken about it.
But basically my version, you find a quiet time. So you know, maybe when the kids aren't home running around, when you're not gonna be interrupted, you find a full length mirror in your house and you close the door and you get completely naked. So take off all of your clothes and stand in front of the mirror and I get my clients to set a timer for five minutes and all they have to do is look at themselves.
So you're just studying your body in the mirror. And the reason why we do this is because for those of us who are struggling with our bodies, we're often avoiding the mirror. We don't wanna look at it. We don't want to see our body because we get that negative self talk that's just going and going and we're criticizing ourselves and that's yuck.
Nobody wants that. Nobody wants to feel bad about themselves. So instead you're just looking at yourself and yes, the negative thoughts will come up. Absolutely. But it's just kind of letting them be not getting stuck in them and just studying like every inch of your body and five minutes is a long time. I know some people say to do this for 60 seconds.
I don't think that's enough. I think when you're doing it for five minutes that 1st 60 seconds is like, oh my God, this is torture. I hate this so much. This is disgusting. But after a while you start to be like, oh, ok. Like, I've never looked at my stomach like that or I've never realized that that's the curve of my hip or like even studying your hands up close, looking at all the lines and like the things moving below the surface.
Like you kind of get this. I get almost like a sense of awe when I look at that, it's like, wow, look at this creation, like it's kind of amazing and maybe you don't feel that way straight away, but it's about just taking that power out of it. And then what I get them to do is once the five minutes is up to just write down everything you saw that you liked.
Now, that might be physical things. It might be, I like my hair or it might be I like, oh my fingernails are longer than they were. It can be as simple as that, but it might also be, I like my energy like I like that. You know, my legs can carry me to walk kind of thing and you might have one thing on your page the first day, but then you go back and you do it the next day and you do it every day.
I get my, I challenge my clients to do it for a week. At first. A lot of them just keep going and eventually that list gets longer and longer and longer because you realize like, you know, for example, stomach, my stomach has always been the thing that I was insecure about. At first it was like, oh this is gross and then after a while it's like it's just a stomach, it's just skin, it's just like, what's the big deal?
Why am I so scared of this thing? Like had stretch marks pop up on it? What does that actually matter? Like what does that actually say? It doesn't say anything about me. It's just, it's neutral, like everything in the world is neutral and we assign meaning to it. We assign value to it, we assign emotion to it.
So it's about kind of coming back to that just noticing it and accepting it because I mean, for me, body acceptance is the goal with my clients. I'm more about body acceptance than body positivity necessarily because I think acceptance feels more achievable for most people.
Paige
Yes. Yes.
Jemma
And the positivity part can sometimes become really toxic. I've noticed where it's almost like the, the fake it till you make it, but you're faking it and you're not really making it. And, and I think body positivity also has this connotation, you know, whether this is rightly or wrongly, this connotation of, I love the way my body looks and that's not what it's about. It's not about loving the way your body looks. It's about just loving your body being ok with your body. Like your body is the least interesting thing about you.
You've got so many other parts that make up who you are as a person. So why are we putting so much focus on the way we look? And what we should really care about is, you know, are we a good person? Are we a good friend? Are we a good family member? A good partner obviously for this podcast?
Paige
Hm. Mhm I love that. Um that, that's actually an exercise I haven't heard of before. So I'm super excited to like go home, get naked and
Jemma
I'm glad I could get you excited to get naked. That's good.
Paige
Yes, so I know you're more than just a food freedom coach and a body image coach. Um So I'm also wondering since I work with a lot of couples in my line of work, how can um the partner who is just kind of sitting on the sidelines support the person going on this health journey of um really more accepting their body and changing their eating habits. Like what can the other partner do to be supportive?
Jemma
So I think it is different for all people, which I know is an annoying answer. But you know, it depends on what your partner is doing and what they're focusing on and what they want and what they need. So, one big thing that I think should be a blanket rule across all relationships. But also just all humans everywhere is not commenting on other people's bodies.
So if they, for example, lose weight, not praising. I know this is hard not praising them on losing weight, praising them on if they're making, you know, healthy lifestyle changes, like if they've been moving their body more, if they've been nourishing themselves more, if they've been getting better sleep, praising them for that, praising them for the action that they're taking, but not necessarily for the weight loss itself.
So that's, I mean, there's so much more I could say on that topic, but I won't go fully into that because we'll be here all day, but really praising them for what they're doing instead of the body side of things. One thing that I think is really important is understanding that shame doesn't actually motivate people and particularly with the food stuff.
I hear all the time from, you know, clients saying, and this is always done with the well, not always actually a lot most of the time and I'm sure for your listeners it's done with the best of intentions. It's, you know, when someone said, oh I'm gonna get healthier. One partner said that and the other partner sees them. I don't know, eating chocolate or something and says, oh, I, you know, I thought you were gonna be eating healthier.
Like, don't be eating the chocolate. Remember your goals? It's actually not helpful. And even for those of us who like your partner, your partner might say, oh, do that. Don't let me eat chocolate. But even if we think we want that, it's not helpful. Like it's been proven that shame does not motivate people. All it does is increase the shame in them and that's not helpful for anyone.
So really like positive reinforcement supporting them with their goals. So if they tell you, you know, I want to cook more at home, I want to eat more home cooked meals instead of us always getting takeaway every night. Like for one thing, it doesn't mean you have to do that as well, which I think is an important thing for both partners to understand if you're on a health journey, your partner doesn't have to come along with you.
And that can cause tension when one partner is trying to get the other one on board and they don't want to do it. So you supporting them in the fact of going OK. Amazing. You know, I won't then ask you if you want takeaway every night, if I'm still gonna get take away every night, is that what you want or do you want me to check in with you and ask, do you want some and then you have the option to cook your home cooked meal.
And I'm gonna encourage you to cook the home cooked meals. I be like, wow, that looks really good. Like, are you enjoying that? Like, take an interest in what they're doing and also try to understand what they're doing because particularly from the way I work, which is about, you know, letting go of diet, culture and diets and all of that kind of stuff is I know a bit different to what a lot of people know currently because it's, it's not the norm.
So, I mean, I hear it all the time from my clients. They're like, oh, you know, I, I work with women predominantly. So most of the time, like, he just doesn't get it. You know, he doesn't understand what I'm doing. So if you're the partner who is on the health journey, see if your partner wants an, if they will take an interest, if you can tell them about it and not in a preachy way, just in a, this is what I'm doing.
And this is why it's important to me. And if you're the other partner take an interest, like, ask to understand if you don't understand if you're like, but you said you were going on a health journey, but now you're allowed to eat mcdonald's when you've never been allowed to eat mcdonald's. How does that work? Not in a confrontational way, just in a, like, I'd love to understand so that I can support you.
Paige
Mhm. Mhm. I love that being curious about it rather than making evaluative judgments on their behaviors of what they might think of what a health journey is supposed to be. Actually just try to see what the other person's view of what a health journey is.
Jemma
100%. And like, I'm a big believer that health is different to everyone. So understanding what that means for them is going to help you support them so much easier.
Paige
Mhm. Mhm. And I love what you were also saying, um, about taking an interest in what they're doing as a way to be supportive because I see so often, you know, that kind of like that lifestyle where the one person is still just going to do whatever it is with, you know, eating takeaway more often than, um, actually cooking at home. And I, I see it so often where that person who's eating the takeaway doesn't really learn about this kind of lifestyle change that their partner is going
through and then they'll come into my office and come to couples therapy and they'll say, oh, this person has totally changed. I don't know who they are. And well, yes, they have been changing. Get curious about it, learn about your partner.
Jemma
And that's one of the biggest, it's a problem that I say time and time and time again with people getting frustrated because exactly that their partner hasn't either taken an interest but also, you know, supported them or complimented them on their hard work because it's easy to compliment someone on, you know, when it's weight loss, you can see it. You can see that they've lost weight and it's easy to say, oh, here we go. What you're doing is working. But the work that I do with
people, you can't see it. You can't actually see the results most of the time. So I've got one client who I've worked with a few times and I know she gets really frustrated because she's like, he just, he can't see what I'm doing. He can't see the results. So he doesn't understand. And he's like, well, why are you spending all this money with Gemma? Is anything actually happening? And she's like, are you joking? I'm an entirely different person.
Paige
Fine. Yes. Good. Ah, yeah. So, what what kind of boundaries do we need to set? Um because I guess, you know, this doesn't only have to affect romantic relationships. So say for instance, maybe you grew up in a family where you had a parent who was really into diet culture and having you do all that, yo, yo and you're going back home for a family dinner or something and they start making comments about health journey that, that just aren't helpful and
are really negative about it. How do people in that situation set boundaries that, that are healthy and kind of like a protective layer from getting wrapped up into like shame?
Jemma
This is one of the biggest ones I think that people struggle with, particularly families, particularly families. So, I mean, there's so much I could say on this topic, but it kind of comes down to you what you're comfortable with the relationship you have with that person. So for one thing, you know, I have a blanket rule, we don't comment on what anyone's eating.
So when I go home and stay with my family, my, my mom particularly she knows you don't comment on what I'm eating, whether that's, you know, I'm going back for seconds or something like that. You don't comment on anything like that. Don't comment on what eating don't comment on bodies. That's a big one as well. But if you've got someone who maybe isn't as understanding and willing to learn as my mum, for example, then sometimes you do have to set the boundaries.
So saying to them like there's so many different ways you can do this one way that I really love. If someone's making a comment on, you know, maybe it's diets or maybe it's the bodies, whatever it is saying to them, hey, I've actually learned that commenting on other people's bodies can be really harmful. Something I hadn't, you know, learned about before, but now I'm understanding.
Do you want me to share with you what I've learned? I think that's a really nice way to and whether that, you know, you change up the wording to do with diets or health or anything like that. I think that's a really nice way to kind of approach it because I know some people get worried about, like, sounding mean or sounding defensive or causing a fight, but it's a really, like, loving way to approach it, I think.
And it's giving them the option. Do you want me to share? And they might go? No, I don't want to hear and you're like, OK, no problem. But like that you've kind of put out there then that's not something I'm interested in, in talking about and just setting the boundary with people saying, you know, this isn't a kind of conversation I want to be in anymore or if they're talking about their diets going, hey, I'm actually um working on body acceptance at the moment.
So I'm making a rule for myself that I'm not in conversations where we talk about diets. Do you mind if we talk about something else or I'm really happy that you're doing happy with what you're doing. But this just isn't something that's helpful for me at the moment. So setting boundaries and sometimes you have to go a step further, sometimes you have to call people out.
And obviously, again, this is if you're comfortable with it, but there are people and this again is such a generalization but it's often in families from what I've seen where people kind of don't respect the boundary and might keep going and being like, yeah, but you know, being fat is unhealthy for example, and you can't be bothered going into all the science behind why that is untrue, which is totally fair enough.
So just saying to them like, no, sorry, I'm, I'm actually not gonna accept being in this conversation so we can either stop or I will remove myself from the situation. I'm gonna leave the room. And another way that I like approaching is getting a little bit like sassy with it sometimes or a bit jokey um for people who maybe aren't comfortable calling people out or if this is more your personality, I'm a bit of a sarcastic person a lot of the time.
So I like this like I actually did a series on my Instagram just before Christmas because Christmas the festive period can be a big time where this is a problem as I'm sure everyone can understand. So I did a bit of a series of responses you can make when people say things so feel free to go and check that out. If you're interested, they applied to all times, not just Christmas, but one of the kind of things that, you know, I had was someone says, oh my gosh, you're going back for seconds.
And it's like Oh, I am actually, I'm eating for two. Me and the little demon inside me that wants to come out whenever someone comments on what I'm eating. ... Like I said, I'm sarcastic.
Paige
Oh I love that.
Jemma
But even just things like, you know, if someone's like, oh my God, you've lost weight, for example, maybe you have lost weight. But like the reason we don't comment on this stuff is because you don't know why someone's lost weight. They could be engaging in disordered behaviors. That was a big one for me. If they could have, they could be grieving, they could be sick like you don't know.
So things like that, it's like, oh you know, my weight, how about we talk about my sense of humor, like that's way better to talk about like give me compliments on that place, that kind of it however you can. And there's also like, I think it's important to acknowledge that ignoring it is also a valid option. Sometimes we just don't have the mental capacity, the brain space, the energy to educate people or to, you know, get into a big dialogue about something and that's ok too.
It doesn't make you any less, you know, on this journey or doing well on your journey towards body acceptance or food freedom. It's ok to just ignore it. Like you pick your battles. I have to pick my battles all the time.
Paige
I think you gave such beautiful um clear examples of how people can respond to really unhelpful comments about their own um health and wellness journey when it comes to their body image and uh eating. So, thank you so much for those great tips and um I'm gonna check out those other ones that you have on Instagram too because I think that'll be super helpful.
Um I'm also wondering uh since I focus on relationships in my practice, how does having um a body image like someone with low self esteem, how does that affect their sex life? And how do you work that into um helping people that you work with?
Jemma
I mean, this is so common because when you're not comfortable in your body, you don't want anyone to see it to touch it to, you know, so that can have such a big impact on people's sex life. So I think one of the first important things is recognizing like if, if you're the person who's struggling with your body image, what do you need to feel comfortable and confident with your partner?
So, you know, maybe it's words of affirmation, you need them to tell you that you're beautiful for some people though. They don't like that. I know some of my clients are like, no, well, I I'm clearly not beautiful. Don't tell me that. And that just puts a bigger barrier in between. Is it physical touch? And then like, do you need them to tell you things about you know how they love you or how beautiful you are or how, you know, they want to be intimate with you or do you need them to show you? So like having a conversation, which I know can feel hard, particularly for people who are struggling with their self image and just themselves in general, it can be hard to have conversations but having a conversation with them about what you need and maybe it's, I need to have sex with the lights off and that's ok. You know, we don't have to always have the lights on or the candles or whatever.
It's ok. That's valid as well. Maybe it's, you know, I only want to have sex in these certain positions because this is all I'm comfortable in right now and that's ok too. You don't have to, you know, I confidence follows action for one thing. So if we want to improve our confidence, if we want to be more comfortable with our partners in an intimate setting, you do kind of have to push the comfort zone a little bit, but you also don't have to dive out head first and, you know, lights on and wearing lingerie and all that stuff. Like you don't have to do that just one tiny step at a time. Like, because otherwise if you try and do something that's so far out of your comfort zone, you're probably gonna freak out and you're not gonna have a good time and that's only going to get the idea in your head even more that sex is dangerous. Like being intimate with my partner is dangerous.
It's not a safe place for me right now in this body. So it's like just I'm such a big fan of baby steps with everything, teeny, tiny baby steps. And like, if you're comfortable, ask your partner, like, why do they love you? Because it's, it's not just about the way your body looks, I'm sure. And if it is, you might have more of a problem and you need to touch a page, but it, you know, it's not just about the way your body looks.
So finding all the other reasons why they love you as well. Sometimes that can kind of, it comes back to what I said before about you being more than a body, your body not being the most important thing about you and particularly in a relationship as well. And then the other thing I'd say on that topic is working out how you want to feel with your partner.
Like and then starting to act again, baby steps, start acting that way. Do you want to feel desirable? What is desirable mean to you? Like what makes you feel desirable? How can you bring in a practice that makes you feel more desirable? So maybe it's like having a bath beforehand with candles, like romancing yourself beforehand and that gets you into that.
Yeah, like that gets you into the energy of being desirable. Maybe it's like spontaneity, that kind of thing. Like, I don't know, cornering them in the kitchen, maybe that makes you feel desirable. Like we're all different, we've all got different things and really, well, like I said before, this stuff all comes down to mindset. So, working on your beliefs, working on your limiting beliefs about your body, about your relationship even can help you to kind of overcome those body image barriers and start feeling more comfortable, feeling more confident with your partner. And I know I said that was the last one. I have one more. Um is grounding yourself into your body rather than your mind because we get so stuck in our heads and that makes an intimate experience. You know, we don't want to be stuck in our head, we want to be in our body, we want to be there, we want to feel things and that's gonna make it obviously more enjoyable and more pleasurable.
So, working on how you can ground yourself, there are so many different practices for grounding. So maybe it's even just focusing on your, on your breath. That can be one of the big things or maybe it's touching your body. So this doesn't even have to be like in a sexual way, like touching your arm, touching your shoulders, touching your legs and just, it helps you realize, OK, yeah, I'm in my body.
I am here. Maybe it's music like I ground myself by dancing. So maybe it's for your partner. Maybe it's by yourself in a different room beforehand or just putting on music. They can be, yeah, focusing on different ways to kind of ground yourself into your body instead of your head is, makes such a difference.
Paige
Hm. I didn't even think about doing something like that because mindfulness is something that I help a lot of clients learn about. But um it, this makes sense what you're talking about grounding into your body so that you're basically, you're raising thoughts aren't overworking yourself into a shame spiral.
And then you actually get to feel whatever like joy or um possibility of positive feelings could happen just literally physically in your body rather than being stuck in the head. This is amazing.
Jemma
Yea. Well, because particularly like when you're with a partner, like you wanna be in your body, that's kind of the whole point, particularly if it is like in an intimate setting, that's the whole point of it is around being in your body. So if you get stuck in your head, you clearly aren't gonna be able to enjoy it as much.
Paige
Yeah. OK. This is so super amazing. Um I'm, I'm really excited to use all of the tips that you're sharing with me uh today and so interested to see how listeners do with all of this. Um Do you have any last little tidbit of information or advice when it comes to eating or body image. Um in regards to what we've talked about today so far.
Jemma
Mm. I think like, my overall sort of thing, which kind of ties into what I just said is being intentional. Like, I think we're all running on autopilot and like I said before, you know, we're running off the experiences that have shaped us as people that like societal conditioning, that conditioning from our parents, that kind of thing. So just noticing those things that are blocking you from, you know, being comfortable in your body, from having a good relationship with food
and then starting to be a bit more intentional about the actions that you're taking. So instead of saying I wanna, you know, start loving my body, but then you kind of don't do anything about it. Like what's one tiny thing you can do today to make that happen? What's one little thing you can do today to either have a better relationship with food or, you know, nourish yourself better.
What's one teeny thing you can do today? And then it's just small incremental changes that lead to the big change. You can't get to the big change without the teeny tiny ones leading up to it.
Paige
Nope. And I love the way you describe that too. I tell my clients, you know, what's one way you can make it like 1% better rather than trying to change your situation by 100% which is a lot of work and not something that's going to happen overnight. So baby steps, words of Gemma love it. Um Well, as we wind down um for our show today, um how can people get in touch with you and you know, start working with you if what you had to say, really resonates with them?
Jemma
Yeah. So I would love to hear from anyone who resonated with this come and chat to me on Instagram is probably the best place to find me. And my handle is Inspire underscore underscore Wellness. I love having conversations with people. Um But in terms of, I guess hearing more of my magic, I have actually got my own podcast, which is called Finding Freedom with Inspire Wellness.
So I do talk about all of this stuff all of the time. Basically, as you can tell, I love to talk. So podcast is a good place to find me. But I do also have some a couple of different ways to work with me. So I take one on one coaching clients, but I also have a program called The Confidence Code. And if you were interested in the things that we were talking about today, then this is going to be the thing for you.
It's basically a group online coaching program where I help you to develop an unshakably healthy relationship with your body and with all foods. So we work on the confidence, the food freedom, the mindset, you know, body image, all of that good stuff. But if you, you know that's still, you just want to dip your toe in a little bit. I have a free resource which I will share with Paige so she can share with you, which is called, am I allowed to Swear on this podcast?
OK, good. Um It's called How To Stop Feeling shit about your body. And it's just a mini series that has kind of my top five things to Yeah, help you, stop feeling shit about your body, start accepting your body, start loving your body and that's totally free. So I'll give that to you pa if you want to share that with everyone, that's a good place to kind of dip your toe in.
Paige
Yes, beautiful. You are a plethora of resources and so yes, I love it. Give me more. That's uh my catchphrase today. Um Well, this has been the first time a podcast pastor uh episode that I've done has made me want to go get naked at home. But I think I got to wrap things up and um work on my self image and uh really come to accept my body even more with
all your tips that you've done. So, thank you so much, Gemma for all that we've talked about today. I have so enjoyed our conversations. So, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Jemma
Thank you. I have loved this chat so much and I'm always happy to inspire people to get naked.
Paige
Love it. OK. Listeners uh until the next episode take care.
