Sex Positivity & Non-Monogamy
Summary
Let's talk about societal norms around sexuality and how they impact your journey of self-discovery. It's a wild ride!
Karine Bedard is The Sex Positive Relationship Designer and host of Breaking Free Authentically: The Sex Positive Relationship Podcast. Her mission is to help people Break Free from the Societal and Religious boxes that we have been programmed into that keep us from the ability to live Sexually Authentic lives. She is normalizing Ethical Non-Monogamy (open relationships) as an equally beautiful option to Monogamy so that people realize that they have Choices about what kind of relationships they can design for themselves.
She learned, in a very painful way, that not honouring your authenticity and truly loving yourself is destructive to your mental health and all of the other connections in your life. It is not selfish, it is necessary! She wants to help you transform and design the life and relationship of your dreams.
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Main points from the show:
Self-discovery and meeting one's own needs are crucial, but it can create pressure on a partner.Sex positivity has a positive impact, enabling consensual and open relationships.Discussion about growing up in a conservative religious environment and conforming to societal and religious expectations regarding sexuality and monogamy. Exploring your own ideal relationship, wherever that lies on the spectrum.
Stay in touch with Karine:
www.breakingfreeauthentically.com
offers.karinebedard.com (FREE Monogamy Quiz)
IG: @karinebedardcoaching
FB: www.facebook.com/karine.bedardrelationshipdesigner
Connect with Paige Bond
Instagram: @paigebondcoaching
Facebook: @paigebondcoaching
Website: www.paigebond.com
Paige Bond hosts the Stubborn Love podcast, is a Licensed Marriage Therapist, and is a Polyamory Relationship Coach. Her mission is to help people-pleasing millennials navigate non-monogamy so they can tame their jealousy and love with ease. Her own journey from feeling lonely, insecure, and jealous to feeling empowered and reassured is what fuels her passion to help other people-pleasers to conquer jealousy and embrace love.
Free Jealousy Workbook:
http://www.paigebond.com/calm-the-chaos-jealousy-workbook-download
Free People Pleasing Workbook:
https://www.paigebond.com/people-pleasing-workbook
Disclaimer: This podcast and communication through our email are not meant to serve as professional advice or therapy. If you are in need of mental health support, you are encouraged to connect with a licensed mental health professional to receive the support needed.
Mental Health Resources:National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling.
Intro music by Coma-Media on pixabay.com
Transcript
Please note that this transcript was generated with AI and there will be errors.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
Hello and welcome to the show, Stubborn Love. I am your host Paige Bond and we are still going in the theme with non monogamy with another guest here. We have Kareen Bedard joining us today who is a sex positive relationship designer. And she hosts her own podcast which I had the lovely honor of guesting on called Breaking Free authentically. So we have a lot to dive into this show about discussing the differences between monogamy and breaking free from that mono mindset.
So I'm super excited to have you here today, Kareem before we jump in and learn more about what kind of stuff that you get into with the people you help? Can you kind of tell listeners who you are and how you got to being a sex positive relationship designer?
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
Oh, thanks Paige for having me. This is great. It was so fun to, to talk on my podcast. So it's a joy to get to be on yours and get to talk some more. So I'm Kaine Beard and I say on my very first episode that I'm a bible school graduate turned playboy enthusiast. that always gets a few laughs. But it's very true. I went to Bible college, I went to Moody Bible Institute.
And I mean, that's not just, you know, a religious school that's like Bible University. You know what I mean? Like, it's hard core. So I grew up very fundamentalist, evangelical Christian and I grew up with very, very specific beliefs about sexuality and monogamy and all of that. So, sex was wrong before marriage, masturbation was wrong.
And I just remember thinking, well, being taught that my body was my husband's my future husbands. And so when you have that mindset, like everything you do, everything you think is, is not really for yourself. So you're being trained to think about your role as a mother and a wife and, and all of that instead of like, what is it that I love and I desire.
So I wanted to be a musician or a surgeon. Like I would have loved to be a surgeon, but that's not really conducive to being a mom. And I want to be a stay at home mom more because to me that was more valuable. And part of it was my, my teaching now, I wouldn't trade that because I'm really thankful I have three wonderful kids and I'm really glad that I got to be there for them.
But I never was career minded in that way. And so I did music, I taught music and I still do. I'm a vocal coach, pianist, accompanist. And, you know, all that good stuff. I was a choir director for a while. And so my life really was built around my family and, and my husband, you know, I got married at 22. I was a virgin when I got married. And so there's a lot to that and that was just normal in my world.
Although it was very hard, hard road to get there. I mean, you gotta, you gotta really, I, I think it sets you up to fail in a lot of ways because you make a lot of decisions based on, hm, wanting to have sex. Let's just be honest, for someone like me who is a sexual being who wasn't supposed to have sex with myself that was wrong. I had these urges. what do you do?
Ok. So I really wanted to get married because I wanted to be able to have sex, you know. So I was engaged. Yeah, I was engaged before my husband. and then that didn't work out and there was like some very good reasons for that. It wasn't us, it was anyways, him being responsible, him being responsible, dad actually. and not wanting to bring me into that necessarily.
And so then when I met my, my husband, you know, I remember going through that. So I'm gonna have to give up. Well, and he had a, he said basically you know, if we get married we're, you're gonna have to give up your guy friends. All my friends were guys. Like, I mean, you have to understand that that was my world. My guy friends for as long as I could remember were my best friends.
Girls hated me. Girls were not nice to me. I couldn't trust girls. I did not like girls. they just didn't understand me, I think and felt I was a threat all the time, even though I was like the most genuine person. But I think because I could get along with guys so easily. Maybe I was a threat or I just was so natural and just, I just, I really was authentic with who I was.
It's always been something I'm very, you know, it's been something I'm passionate about. Right. And so that was kind of just who I was and I was authentic with who I was at the time. Right. And I didn't know what I didn't know. So fast forward. I get married, I give up my guy friends in that way and I marry someone who is like the right kind of person.
So who's like a my rock who's emotionally stable and who's all these things. Not someone who is a bad boy at all is not a flirt. He's not like a touchy feely kind of person or emotional, all the things that I am and I'm a DH D as well. OK. I don't want to say I am a, I have a DH D and it affects me sometimes that is not my identity. I want to make that clear because a lot of times we can get sucked into that trap.
Little side note. But so me being neuro diverse and, and being so sort of outside of the box of what sort of the regular person might be. We were so very opposite. So I started to feel very lonely very quickly because he was completely content on his own. He was very content just doing his own thing or reading or this and my whole life. I mean, I'm French as well.
So like community is everything. We do everything together, you know, we clean the house together, we do, we eat together, we do all the things together. And the importance is the connection that we have with people. So that was very much a part of who I was when all of a sudden I'm married to someone who doesn't have those same values, great person responsible.
I'm so thankful that I did marry him because I learned so much about myself and I feel like we balanced each other in a lot of ways. But when it comes to like relationships and sexuality and all that, like that didn't meet my needs really at all. But you shove that down and you say, well, that's not really important because that's not what I should be valuing as a Christian woman, like I value being submissive.
And I put aside my sort of leadership. I'm a, I'm very, I'm very strong leader type of person, but I kind of put that aside and let him be the head of the household and I was going to be the neck, right. So all these things to say that my programming was very strong on what my role should be and what his role should be. And that was just within that context, right?
And that was my sort of religious upbringing. But let's also go to the outside context of what the rest of the world saw as correct. And so it just piggybacks on top of that. Right. So mine was a little bit more extreme. But at the time, like I got married in 97 right? So at that time, like having a child out of wedlock still was not very popular, especially in my circles and living with someone before you were married, having sex with people that was still, that was still shameful.
Yeah, it was still shameful and some even in society, it was not like now, right. So there that was very much aligned. Well, fast forward to today. This model mindset is still very much informed by the religious ideals, right? And depends where you live. But you know, some of the things that it involves or if I have a little list here, if you want, I can read it, if that's helpful.
Ok. So things that, that we, when I talk about the mono mindset is just like our monogamy mindset, how we're programmed that, you know, one person forever. that ideal of monogamy only. Yeah. And I add into mono mindset. Just kind of anything relationship wise. That's kind of the standard protocol, the standard, like what we think should be if you listen to any, a love song on the radio or anything like that, that's where you're gonna find your mono mindset.
Right. Like, if you're, if you're, if you're not sure what the mono mindset is, just listen to music, read the books, all the things, all the romance novels, it's all based on the mono mindset and what it is that we expect and, and think should be.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
Yeah. Well, I mean, even think about that mono mindset being in like TV, shows movies freaking Disney all the time paints this picture of happily ever after. You are in a straight relationship with someone and you're a Denzel in distress and get saved by, you know, prince charming or whatever. Right. Exactly.
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
Exactly. And actually I, I just launched my program which we'll get into. but the first session I did, I talked about the Disney Princesses and stuff. So maybe I'll, I'll throw some of that in of, of some of the, the absurd things that we normalize because of Disney and, and the fairy tale version. And I mean, I'm not against a fairytale.
Don't get me wrong. But like the thing is we get to create our fairy tale and that's way more empowering than just trying to meet the idealistic fairy tale that the world has set up for us and completely failing at it on a regular basis. Like so few people reach this fairy tale ideal and they think something's wrong with them.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
Yes. If they don't fit into that mold.
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
Yeah. Ok. So I already said this one. But sex before marriage is wrong, you need to find your soulmate to be complete. Your partner completes you, which implies that you are not whole until you meet your person. I hate that one marriage is like a fairy tale and you're supposed to live happily ever after. However, in the next breath, we're taught that it is hard work, right?
It's supposed to be hard. Ok? So it's happily ever after. It's a fairy tale, but it's hard. So those two things are kind of cognitive dissonance as it is. But we ignore that. Ok. We are to remain faithful emotionally and sexually to one person for the rest of our lives. Try being a sexual person. I, I feel like it's no wonder that there's a lot of asexuals people actually because that's a lot of pressure.
You gotta shut it down. Yeah. You gotta shut it down to survive in, in this idealistic world. Right. Like you really do because otherwise if you're, if you're hypersexual, you, you're gonna have an affair or you're gonna be scared of it. I was afraid that was like my biggest fear and I was 100% committed to being the best wife, the best sexual partner to my husband.
I was the wife that was never gonna say no, I was so committed to having an amazing marriage and living out this, I did this ideal but my biggest fear continually was that I was going to cheat. Why? Because I was gonna connect with someone because I need connection and I was gonna have sexual desires that I don't just turn off. And I was so afraid that I would somehow succumb to that if I didn't have that met somewhere.
So let's keep going with this list. This puts tremendous pressure on our partners to fulfill our needs, which is what I did feel. In fact, we're taught that we are responsible for our partners happiness, excuse me, we are responsible for our partners, happiness and fulfilling them emotionally and sexually or they might be tempted to be unfaithful.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
So I better make sure that I fulfill their needs or else my partner will cheat on me is essentially what that says.
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
Exactly. And how many books like especially in the Christian world, how to affair proof your marriage and all these things, right? And I remember like reading those because I was like ok, dress nice. So, when your husband comes home he thinks you look attractive.
you know, not just a slob if you're a stay at home mom because there's attractive businesswomen that he might be working with and, you know, being connected to all day. And so when he comes home that has to be like a, a more attractive situation.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
It, yeah, it perpetuates a competition kind of mindset always. Which is, it? That sounds exhausting.
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
Exactly. And so, you know, we normalize and I don't think I have this on the list but it is one of the things like on this list anyways, it's one of the things we jealousy is normal and jealousy is jealousy means love. Like if your partner is not jealous, it means they don't love you enough. Right. So, if you aren't jealous of the other woman, something's wrong with you and you should be, oh, you're playing with fire or you should, you know, this or you should that or you should, like,
there's so many rules and even though I was Christian and I was, like, really abiding by the rules and I had made them very, some, something that I was very passionate about and I really made them my values. There's no way I could live up to all those things and I really felt like I was failing in a lot of ways. And then of course, I put tremendous pressure on my partner to fulfill those things that I was forced to give up.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
Right. Right. Right. It's not fair to either.
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
Yeah. Yeah. So, here's another big one. We put so much emphasis on being the one that we aren't taught to be the one for ourselves.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
00, that's a big one because I hear like, if we have this idea that we have to be the one for someone else or we have to find that one, the more we buy into that idea, the further away like we actually go away from our own identity. Yeah.
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
And how many, how many issues in your practice are solved by finding yourself and figuring out who you are and what you love and what you desire and losing, shame and guilt around all of that. We have lost who we are and we have normalized ignoring ourselves for the sake of other people.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
I mean that that's the majority of the practice I work with. That's people pleasers. You know, let me make sure I put all my shit aside to make sure the relationship stays stable or that this other person doesn't leave me. So we have to do a lot of rewiring and reconditioning to really look at what their own needs and wants are.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach, Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
And if they're actually living by those things, well, and I, I remember when I started sort of my healing journey.
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
I, I went through a like 3, 3.5 years ago. I went through a major break breakdown. I was, what do you call it? A burnout? I went through a major burnout. I was doing too much. I was trying to be everything and I wasn't feeling loved at all. I was very confused about if I was even loved or, or anything. And I, there was so much going on in my head and this deep, deep, deep, deep feeling of failure because having a good marriage and proving that I could have a good marriage much better than my
parents and be an example of my marriage and show what a really good marriage would look like. I felt like I was failing at all of that even though I was trying so hard. But it really, it takes two to want that same thing. And then sometimes when you're on the self growth journey and you want better for your relationship all the time and you're trying to improve things that puts tremendous pressure on your partner and they just shut down at some point.
They're like, ok, you obviously don't think that I'm worth anything if you're constantly wanting to fix this relationship and change it. Da da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. You're not happy here. So why, why do you even want me and they shut down who they are? And that did happen? And I will, I will own my part on that. You know, I'm, I'm very big on owning your shit. Can I say that?
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
Yeah, of course, let's own our shit.
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
Ok. Good. So I really, I'm big on ownership and, but also don't minimize your experience. Right? Yeah. Ok. So hit on to the next one. We neglect ourselves for the sake of our spouse or partner because we're responsible for fulfilling them and taking care of them. Like that is the honorable thing to do. And you see that generation like a friend of mine's mom, like, you know, I'll sleep when I'm dead or I'm just, you know, like, no, no, no, I, I can't go take a nap.
There's things to do or I've got to do this and, and she's busy serving everyone in the family and just walking on eggshells and her desires. She's not allowed to be excited because that would be being happy. Like life is supposed to be hard. Like there's just this, all this programming that is controlling her life and it makes me sad because, you know, I was really excited about finding really great shoes to go to the club with or to walk in for a while and they're cute and they're sexy.
I was super excited about it and she walks by and you're still talking about these shoes like you're not a child. And I was like, wow, that just opened up my eyes to why the people are in her world struggle with, with joy in their lives. They're really like feeling joy because it's been dumbed down because you're not supposed to feel that she can't, she has the burden of everyone on her.
So therefore nobody else can really, that's selfish to have joy and to do what you love. Right. So, those kinds of things are big, right? Ok. So we, ok, the, oh, here's the, a big one. The two become, one is a concept in marriage that most people have been taught, particularly in the religious community. So how many, you know, and this is the, it means the idea that you lose your individuality.
So you have your two candles at the wedding ceremony. You take those two candles and you both light the unity candle. Then what do we do with the two candles? We blow them out and it's beautiful symbolism. But I remember a friend of mine saying she was gonna leave her candle lit and I was like, oh, you can't do that. That's like sacrilegious kind of thing.
You know, you have to become one. She's like, yeah, well, we can become one and I can be myself and keep who I am. And I just, I could not wrap my head around that. It was like the most terrible thing. Now I'm like, oh, I wish I would have left my candle and recognize that that is so important.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
Yeah. Well, now you keep your candle lit.
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
Oh, it's lit. So, yeah. So I felt like it was wrong and selfish to take care of myself and not focus 100% on my spouse. So another thing is many of us that grew up in the church were taught that being submissive was the right way to be a good wife. Again, that was an honor to be submissive. And then the patriarchy teaches us that the man is the head of the home.
And this is very prevalent in fundamentalist households and evangelical Christian circles and cults. So if the man is the head, basically, he gets free rein to do just about anything and nobody really questions it because that's the way it's supposed to be. Now you're all supposed to, you're also supposed to love your wife as Christ, loved the church. So there is like this side of respect and kindness and love and stuff that's supposed to be, you know, the responsibility when
you're the head. So there's a lot of that, but there's a lot of people that forget about those verses, you know, and just kind of, they just think their authority. Yeah, exactly. There's a lot of cherry picking, you know. So those are some of the things in the mono mindset, never mind. The views about sexuality, especially for girls.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
I was about to say we didn't even talk about sexuality and sexual expression and, and God forbid, it's anything under other than that societal norm of straight can't do anything besides that has to be, you know, man and woman. Adam and Eve is, you know what they say, right? God forbid there's any other thought fantasy action expressed other than that?
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
Exactly. And a lot of the people in my world in the world of ethical, non monogamy, many, many couples get into this world because the wife is by. Yes. And so they do, this is a safe outlet being a swinger or in the lifestyle where they can express and experience their sexuality without having to give up their husband. Right? And so this concept is much more understood because that it's, it's outside the norm, it's outside the modern mindset enough that they can wrap their heads
around it. But when it's someone like me who is not by, who never had experiences with men, I had to give up my guy friends and stuff and all of a sudden I enter the lifestyle, it's not ok because like I want to have experiences with another man. So now it's like, oh, wow, that's gonna ruin your marriage, that's gonna ruin this or that da da, da, da, da da.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach, Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
And the thing is, it's not any different, but it is because we have these like, you know, cc hetero formulation that needs to be like you're saying, if you're not in one category of being anything other than straight, it's not quote and I'm using quote, it's not quote, right?
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
That you're out there with somebody else, if you're being possessed by another man or like you're in someone else's possession and having those experiences, quote, they say it's not. Right. Right.
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
Right. but even so, like you're saying, ok, so the, I think we've gotten to the point where people can justify, like, if they don't fit the regular mold that they can go outside of that. Like, so if a woman is by, that is like an understandable situation to become a swinger, for instance, whereas someone who is like me, well, that's just selfish.
Like you have a man already, right? Like you have someone, why would you be so dissatisfied that you need someone? And, and the point is I'm not dissatisfied with that person necessarily my partner and I now, so I probably should finish this story. OK, so about 10 years ago, I, I ended up de converting from Christianity. I did a lot of soul searching and just decided to really reason myself out of my faith in the sense that is this lining up, like is everything lining up because you
know, someone in my life at the time de converted and I was like, what, what is happening? Like this is like the craziest thing, but I respected them. So I didn't, I wasn't gonna totally ignore it. I was like, ok, well, there's gotta be some validity to what they're saying because it's not, it's not sounding crazy. But I can't even believe that what I've believed all my life might not be true.
Like that just was like, I've sacrificed everything for these ideals and now you're telling me it might not be true. Like what? So, of course, like a good Christian girl, I decided to go straight to Playboy Radio because, you know, those were the worst of the worst. They were those sex people. And I had been taught in church that they had no, you know, self worth and no self-respect.
They didn't know how to love without Christ. They didn't respect their bodies and, and they just were very unhappy. They were humans. Yeah, very much. And, so I was like, ok, I'm gonna go see how un joyful these people are, right? Like how unloving and how, how horrid they feel and just see what, you know, what does this world? And I started listening and I was like, these are my people, this world is so honest and authentic and these people just tell their truth and they love who they
are. And I was like, what's going on here? They had joy. They had so much love for others as well. They could have intellectual conversations, which was beautiful because literally, I feel like a lot of people in my Christian circle, they, they just weren't intelligent, they didn't think for themselves. They had no opinions about stuff.
And I'm like, I'm an intellectual here and I just I felt like I had dumb myself down all the time just to, like, talk about fluffy things or, you know, we're just gonna talk about the Bible or this or that. And we're just, basically, it's a rote memory and it's, it's just what regurgitating what we've been taught from other people. And I was like, like, I would love to be able to think for myself and have my own thoughts, but like, I just needed to know the stuff the best that I could.
And so I was really good at regurgitating all the wisdom, you know. And so I knew that I knew that I knew and actually I was kind of a shithead if I think about it. Like I was not, I don't like who I was then at all because you had, you had to think like me, you had to agree with me. There was a standard and I, I looked down on people that didn't believe the same thing, lots of judgment. And I, I thought I was special and that I had the upper hand, you know, I was chosen by God and blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah. So I remember the day when kind of all this stuff came together and I remember looking out, I had an a cappella group and a lot of them were like Episcopalian and Catholic and no pro Protestant anyways. All of, oh Presbyterian. There we go. Like a lot of the ecumenical, more structured versions of Christianity. And I didn't see them as true Christianity. Like to me, a Catholic wasn't a Christian. Right.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
Right.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach, Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
You're not Christian enough, right?
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
Because they're about work salvation, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It wasn't my version and that's all, that's it. It wasn't my version. My version was the only truth. So even in a religious context, other Christians, but different denominations that weren't evangelical enough for me, I was better than them. And so here I was, I was the, I led an a cappella group and there was eight of us, eight women and I was looking around the room and that day I just was like, I am no better than
any of these women and that huge lift of pressure and responsibility and, and setting myself apart. It was like all of a sudden, I could truly love them and I could truly see them for who they were.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
And that's almost submitting some like humility for yourself too if you're seeing them in a different light, that's also now seeing yourself instead of this, you know, quote perfect Christian or whatever that you also see yourself as someone with flaws. And that, that's OK.
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
Yeah. So I really believe that sex positivity set me free. It really did. It was sort of the, the catalyst for my true authenticity to shine and come through and, and be the most loving joyous person that I'd ever been even though I was taught, I couldn't love without Christ and I couldn't, I was way more loving. I'm way more loving now than I ever could be then.
And people don't understand that that could be. But as I got studying I came across like this show Swing on Playboy. And it was a couple she was by, but she was former Mormon, and they were married and this was her second marriage and he was very ok with her exploring her bisexuality and him, you know, they, so they just had experiences with other couples sexually.
And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. I saved myself for marriage because this is like the most important thing. It's the glue in the relationship. And here you are telling me that these two are happy and I was like relationship goals because they were like connected and they talked and left and they celebrated each other.
And I was like, what in the hell is going on? This can't be so they're having sex with other people and they're married and they're closer, like, it just boggled my mind. And I thought what is going on here and more and more there was like more people that were having like quote unquote promiscuous sex, but it was consensual and it was conscious and they were honoring themselves in this process.
And I was like, what is happening? And then I learned that masturbation was like honoring yourself and, and such a good thing for you. And I was like, what is happening? This is wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong. All this conditioning I had to work through and I was like, holy cow, this is crazy. And anyway, so I just was like shocked with the realization that people lived freely like this and they were still happy and joyous and they could show love to other people.
So it made me really start to investigate things in my own life and, you know, and how true am I being to myself? And what else have I been taught? That isn't true and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So fast forward to like three years ago when I was, you know, I went through my, my breakdown, my burnout and I was very depressed and I just, I decided to go to get counseling because I just, I, I was just crying every day and I couldn't understand, you know, I just couldn't understand what
was going on and I recognized that I wasn't taking care of myself at all. In fact, the word self care was so selfish in my mind. I couldn't even say it. I, I was like, I can't do that because my only example in my mind of someone doing self care is someone ignoring me on a continual basis. Like I was like, I don't want to be like that. I didn't understand So there was a point where I was at this tantric this tantric workshop and the girl said that my boyfriend and I were what did she say?
We were energetically rude. And I was like, what are you talking about? Like, how is that? She's like, don't worry, someone called me that too and it's not what you think and, and it's not, it's not so bad. Let me explain. She's like you tend to have such great energy and a lot of energy and she said you just impose your energy on people without their consent.
Hm I was like, oh, ok. Ok. And I was taught that growing up, right? Like I was taught that I have to impose my beliefs on people. I have to impose my thinking on them. I have to make sure that they agree. I have to make sure that they know the things. And so that really set me up to like sort of impose my thoughts and energy on people anyway. So she said you impose your energy on people and it's like all of a sudden it made so much sense.
My my ex like why I was so overwhelming to him because he was always like back off kind of thing, right? Like he just couldn't. Yeah. And I would like pressure my him to accept my energy without asking for his consent. And it made me realize that energy care is where it's at like you really have to be aware of your energy, who you're giving your energy to how and why that can be so draining.
And I realized that my people accept my energy and reciprocate energy. So some people are energy vampires, so they take your energy, right? They just suck you dry and then other people like my ex just from the nature of our relationship, right? Like he did, he was not consenting to accepting my energy, but I would give it to him anyways. And so he was not open to receiving it.
So my energy literally would go around him. It wouldn't fill him up anymore because he was blocking that energy out, basically protecting himself. And therefore he had no extra energy to give. So I was just losing energy and I wasn't getting any energy back. We were not connecting mutually. So I was depleted and then I meet my partner now and it's like there's just such an ease of energy exchange just like we just like we give our energy to each other and we take it and we, it's just
like this reciprocal beautiful energy exchange. And I thought, wow, I wish my 19 year old self would have known that your people are like that. Like you, you just naturally reciprocate each other's energy and, and, and it's just a natural flow and you can feel really, really calm in your body around these people. And that's why there's people that you're like, you're afraid to say things around and you feel like, oh, they don't really want me around, but they're just like they may
be overwhelmed by you. They may not be your people or you can learn to, to ask for consent, for your energy just like you would ask for sexual consent. OK. So fast forward because I'm gonna get off track here. But I just thought that was all very important and it, it led me to sort of my self growth journey and then I recognized that I didn't have boundaries.
I didn't, I didn't have a proper, a proper definition of boundaries. To me, a boundary was a fence to keep people out. And that's not what a boundary is. A boundary is more like a line in the sand that you aren't willing to cross. Or if someone crosses there is a, a consequence in a sense that you're going to decide how you react to that and you're gonna hold yourself to that.
And that was such a interesting realization when I finally came to that. And I was like, wow, so, so in my teaching business, so this is kind of how I got to this world, right? So I had done so much unpacking and so much work I, I've been in the non monogamy world for, you know, for 10 years, just unpacking and learning and, and so I, I was a swinger for a while and then I crossed over to the polyamory side and understood that a little bit.
And then, so I've been able to kind of navigate where I wanna be and what situation. So, really ethical. No, monogamy is like a big umbrella. And there's the extreme of, like, you know, one night stand kind of swinger. Like you're never gonna see them again. It's all about sex only. Or then the total opposite extreme is that you have multiple private relationships that have nothing to do with an, with your partner or anything.
Right. Yeah. And then everything in between. So you've got like kitchen table polly, which is definitely more with your partner involved and, and so everybody is just friends and they can sit around the kitchen table basically and, and have a meal together, play games or whatever. And, and that's the beauty of, of this ethical no monogamy.
And this, this spectrum is that there's a place for you and you can fit anywhere on that, right? You can have emotions with others or not. If that's not what you want, you can have sexual encounters with others if you want and, and not have emotional connections. There is a place for everything based on what it is that you want or desire who you are, but you have to know who you are first.
And so that's why I call myself a sex positive relationship designer. So three years ago, I was teaching. And I had a lot of students that I was always counseling, I was always coaching. I was always like, you know, I'd tell the parents, I'm like, listen, sometimes we're not gonna do any music at all and we're just gonna talk and we're just gonna have these big revelation moments and, you know, if you're ok with that, it's cheaper than therapy.
And as long as you're ok with that, then I will teach your child, you know, so the parents kind of just agreed to that. So I've always sort of been coaching, and I was coaching a lot of my students, I was giving them a safe place and, and asking questions about the world and challenging sort of the mono mindset every once in a while and asking like, oh, like, why is it wrong?
Why is it that we can only have one partner? I wouldn't say, hey, it's wrong to have, you know, I wouldn't say anything wrong about monogamy, but I would just get people to think.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
Yeah, not a judgment but curiosity.
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
I, I'd get people curious. Well, it turns out that a lot of my students, they were pansexual or bisexual or this or that and, and they were in religious families and they couldn't, they had no one to talk about this. And all of a sudden with me, they ended up discovering who they were and had a safe place to talk about these things. And now they are living their truth and that was just in voice lessons.
Right? Like, what an impact. So I really was like, well, ok, so COVID hit singing is dangerous. I can't teach singing, but I could still coach people. And so I really decided to make that big shift and, and train more, you know, and, and improve the skills I already had on coaching because I'm very intuitive and I can just tell things about people without them even saying it.
you know, I, I just get a sense of like their backgrounds and how they grew up and what is important to them without them having to share that. So it is a very valuable skill when you're working with people. And so I wanted to kind of hone those skills and then I really wanted to tap into this niche of, you know, working with people that were curious and don't quite fit the mono mindset and don't feel like that that fits for them. Exactly. And feel wrong about it.
And I really wanted people to feel free of shame and guilt when it comes to sexuality and relationships. Like I, I really want to help people design their ultimate relationships and that might mean big changes. It might mean keeping the relationship that you have and growing together and, and figuring out how to break free from this programming, which is what my course is about, which I'm so excited about.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
Yes. So I am super excited because before we started recording, you were talking about how you've launched and now you're doing the program working with people. Can you give listeners like some insight into what this program is all about and how it really helps them break free from that mono mindset, just, you know, give them a little taste, not all your juice and secret ingredients.
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
So it all starts with a quiz that I will, I can give you the link and send people to. But it's called is monogamy, right? For me, it's a little bit of a cheeky title, but it's pretty intensive questionnaire and you get to go through and ask questions that you may never have thought of and in the process you might go, oh I have thought about this for a long time, but I never thought it was OK or I, I didn't realize that this was a thing.
I didn't realize that maybe other people struggle with this because if it's on this questionnaire and there's a reason you're not the only one that has had these questions or has struggled with these things. So it really goes through and then your score at the end determines sort of where you might fit on the spectrum. It's important to note that just because you might have what it takes to be non monogamous and have the curiosity and, and energy and the desires for different
things on the spectrum. It doesn't mean you're ready to jump in. It also doesn't mean you have to, it just means that you get to be shame free and acknowledge that you are meant for more than just simple monogamy and you don't have to act on it. But you can totally allow those fantasies and desires to, to be a part of you now and, and you get to explore what it is that you actually love and you get to create safety with your partner to have the discussions.
It's not a discussion like, oh, I want to be non monogamous and we need to do this. It's a, hey, what do you think it would feel like to like have sex with someone else? You know, I've only ever experienced you. Like, what do you think that no pressure conversations? But you have to know yourself and you have to be able to have those conversations with yourself without shame first.
So that's what this program is really all about breaking free from monogamy is the eight week program. And so there's eight different modules that we go through. And I'm just gonna tell you what the, the title of the modules are really quick. So the first one, yeah, the first one is understanding the mono mindset. And then the next week we're understanding the effects of the mono mindset and why, why we don't want to stay in the mono mindset or why it, it can be harmful or hurt your
relationships. Why you're struggling with your relationships. It's because of that. It's because you've been thinking this way and you didn't realize it. So, and then the truth is the third week, the truth about depriving yourself sexually and emotionally, which a lot of people don't realize that that can be destructive. The next one, understanding your desires and listening to your body.
And so we really, throughout this process, get to trust our own instincts, trust our body, trust ourselves for decisions and not shame ourselves all the way through, right? And then letting go of your mono mindset and then embracing your emotional and sexual well-being. And the seventh week is the mindset upgrade and realizing that choice is freedom and then choose your ultimate relationship design.
And so from there, you can either continue to work with me one on one and we can create the design that you want. The relationship redesign is that program or there's a six week mentorship. And then there's also like in this program, we end each session with hypnosis. So we're really, it's really about shifting at a subconscious level. The programming, it's not just about learning about it.
You're literally making those internal shifts each week. And by the end, you're free, you're like not even controlled by the programming anymore because you've actually completely shifted it. So then you have the freedom to, to make your own decisions and create your own program basically, you know, and structure your relationship, how you want.
You may not be in a position where you can change your style of relationship at the time. You might be the only one that's gone through this. But it will give you the tools to understand where you've been making the mistakes or where things have been going wrong and maybe how to open up the conversation. Right? And, and, and that's where you can go dig deeper and, and I love to create experiences for people that want to dip their toes into this world.
And I'm your safety blanket and I will hold your hand through it and I will take a couple and just like work through things and take them to events and attend with them and create the most amazing experience and then debrief and check in to make sure that you're not going to fall into these traps of like the mono mindset, like deter telling you what the story is, you know, like we're gonna let go of that story and we're gonna be able to shift and go.
Ok. So this is normal and, ok, here's a hiccup. Oh, that triggered that. Ok. Well, let's look at that. Let's see what, what that's bringing up for you and things like that. So that's what this program is about. And I'm super excited about it because I know I, I designed it based on this program I did in the fall called breaking free or no freedom from sugar addiction.
And I, I don't eat sugar anymore. Like, it's not even a thing. I've lost like, £15 without even trying. Like, it's just been simple. I haven't even changed. I haven't exercised or anything different. It's not a diet, it's not deprivation. It's the same concept. You know, it's not your fault and there are no forbidden foods, it's not your fault And there's no forbidden thoughts, desires or emotions. It's kind of the, the symmetry of it.
So, I partnered with Charlotte Harris and so she, she is the hypnotist that is doing the hypnosis and she has helped you know, structure this program. So I know it works because she's been doing this for seven years with sugar and we're just doing it with the mono mindset instead. So it's, it's just amazing and I'm so so happy to be bringing it to the world because I think it can help a lot of people.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
Me too and I love how the, the main purpose within the program isn't necessarily like you going around the world waving a flag saying like go away, monogamy. No monogamy is the only answer here. Like I hear the main purpose of the program is whatever kind of relationship you want is OK to have and you can design it in whatever way you want and your desires are valid, your needs are valid, whether it's monogamous or somewhere on the spectrum in between non monogamy.
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
Absolutely.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
Yeah, I love that. Well, I am so super excited that we got to chat about this today and I love talking with you before by being on your show. And so I, I guess if people like really resonated with what you had to say, how can people, you know, reach out to you, find you or hear about more of your stuff?
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
Yeah. So I'm on Instagram at Karim Beard coaching. And if you want to go take my quiz, I can give you that link, but it's offers dot kari Bedard dot com and you'll have the quiz and you can also go to the eight week program from that link too. There's a, there's a link so you can go check out the sales pitch for the the eight week program and the eight week program is a group program.
So it's a small intimate cohort. So probably like four or five people at a time. So you get to have like a private safe place to express yourself, ask questions and that recording you can, you can watch it again, but it's all kept within your own cohort. So nobody else is gonna ever see that. So that's really important just that it is a very safe place because these are, these are topics that people are afraid to talk about.
There's no place to talk about these things. That's very safe. It's hard to find people like us, right? Like, people don't know where they can bring up these thoughts and they think there's something wrong with them. And, you know, on your first day in the cohort you'll go, oh, I'm not the only one. Ok. So I've been struggling with this, you know, and so, the other place that you can find me is on my podcast.
So breaking free authentically dot com and you can find a link that'll take you to everything and sign up for my mailing list and you'll get an update of each week's podcast. But I have amazing guests like Paige and we have so many great conversations. So it's not a podcast all about just sex.
It's really self growth and, and like really digging a little deeper because I want people to truly be authentic first and foremost and then, then we design what you want. If you do it the other way around, you might just be filling a void and masking something and I want more for you.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
Yeah, your work is so important, so important. So I'm so glad you're doing this. Well, thank you so much for coming on the show today. I super appreciate having, you know, these kinds of open conversations to let other people know they're not alone if they have curiosities about something outside of that default mono
mindset. So I will have all of your links in the show notes for listeners to come find you and, and find out more and learn more about you. So, thank you, Karen. I had such a fun time.
Karine Bedard, Relationship Designer
I did too and I mean, I always am happy to receive D MS and messages I want to hear from people. So please, you know, ask me if you wanna chat. All right, Paige. Thank you so much.
Paige Bond, ENM Coach
You're very welcome. All right listeners. Until next time. Keep on growing.
