Am I Trans Enough? How to Overcome Your Doubts and Find Your Authentic Self
Summary
Alo Johnston discusses his journey to becoming a therapist and author of the book, Am I Trans Enough? The book was born out of thousands of hours of research and conversations with hundreds of trans people.
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In this episode, you’ll learn about:
How you can ease into a transitioning to decide if that’s the path for you
The advice Alo wished he had going through his own transition
What questions to ask when questioning your gender
Am I Trans Enough? digs deep into internalized transphobia and the historical narratives that fuel it
Alo Johnston (he/him) is a marriage and family therapist and author of Am I Trans Enough?: How to Overcome Your Doubts and Find Your Authentic Self. He particularly loves working with trans, queer, and non-monogamous clients. He is based in Los Angeles and when he’s not working he’s often busy exploring the restorative power of naps.
Resources from this episode
Am I Trans Enough - by Alo Johnston
Noteworthy quotes from this episode:
“You reach the end of where your imagination can take you and you're just like, I don't know what's after that. That may be a sign that you're not going to like bore through this wall through the power of your thoughts and logic. You have to have start having experiences that are going to give you data.”
“Certainty is not the standard that we should be shooting for in terms of mental certainty and then you take action. I think you get certainty through action.”
Connect with Alo
Website: https://alojohnston.com
Instagram: @thetranstherapist
Tiktok: @thetranstherapist
Connect with Paige Bond
Instagram: @paigebondcoaching
Facebook: @paigebondcoaching
Website: www.paigebond.com
Paige Bond hosts the Stubborn Love podcast, is a Licensed Marriage Therapist, and is a Polyamory Relationship Coach. Her mission is to help people-pleasing millennials navigate non-monogamy so they can tame their jealousy and love with ease. Her own journey from feeling lonely, insecure, and jealous to feeling empowered and reassured is what fuels her passion to help other people-pleasers to conquer jealousy and embrace love.
Free Jealousy Workbook:
http://www.paigebond.com/calm-the-chaos-jealousy-workbook-download
Free People Pleasing Workbook:
https://www.paigebond.com/people-pleasing-workbook
Disclaimer: This podcast and communication through our email are not meant to serve as professional advice or therapy. If you are in need of mental health support, you are encouraged to connect with a licensed mental health professional to receive the support needed.
Mental Health Resources:National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling.
Intro music by Coma-Media on pixabay.com
Transcript
Alo Johnston, Therapist
Yeah, hi, I'm Alo Johnston. I, you see him pronounce? I think I, like many people had a winding journey to becoming a therapist. I did not know growing up, I wanted to be a therapist. but I always knew that I wanted to help people. I didn't know what that looks like. I know that is the vaguest thing in the world and most people want to help people.
But, you know, I, like I said, didn't know being a therapist was an option what it entailed. I did not grow up going to therapy. So I had to find that along the way. But I also feel like I had the very common therapist experience that people would tell me their life story. People would see my face on a bus and say this is a person that I need to share every deep dark secret with, which was mostly ok, sometimes annoying.
But, you know, it, it's all right. But when I went to college, I really didn't know what I wanted. But that was also when I started to figure out my gender identity and started to realize that I didn't think that I was cisgender. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't know what my feelings meant, but I knew there was some sort of gender exploration that I needed to do.
And that took me to various places. I transferred colleges and in the second school that I went to, I started studying psychology. And I think that journey of learning about my own gender identity, learning about psychology and mental health was really interesting and they felt like they happened in parallel where I started to realize maybe that this was the way that I could help people.
And this is something, all of those topics are something that I really enjoy talking about and never seem to get bored of talking about. So by the time that I feel like I had figured out a lot of my gender identity, I also was starting to realize I wanted to be a therapist. And when I went to grad school and I went to school at Antioch in Los Angeles. And they have an LGBT specialization, which I was very intentional about going to a school with an LGBT specialization, which at the time, I
think it was that one that was, that was the only school. Maybe there was one other, there are not a lot of them. So that was really meaningful and impactful for me. And I was able to do my training in various spaces where I got to see a lot of LGBT and specifically trans clients. So, yeah, I think my personal journey and my professional journey have happened in parallel and I'm really appreciative of that.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
And I, I love that too because I think that falls in line with a lot of the therapists that I meet journey of. There's been something internally that's happened with us that has given us like this passion to like shout from the rooftops, all of this information that we're now learning and that we want others to be helped by now our knowledge. Yeah, I was listening to another podcast that you were on and you had mentioned that there was like an LGBT specialization at the school you went
to, I'm like, whoa that like, I've never heard of that. Like there's no schools like grad schools here in Florida that I'm aware of have any kind of specialization like that. When I was going through my grad program, there was no other like bonus classes per se of like doing something like that. So was it really hard to find a program that could provide that?
Alo Johnston, Therapist
I think I got lucky because I was living in Los Angeles at the time and that happened to be where the school is. So I was lucky in that respect. But it was really important to me because I think I've heard, you know, a lot of people they get like one class on human sexuality that maybe has like a day on the LGBT experience or like an hour if you're lucky, like people really don't get a lot of training in this.
And I think being able to take multiple classes where this was the focus and have very specific training and people who are trying to, you know, not every theory we learned is very old, but some of the theories we learn are very old and they absolutely were not considering the existence of queer trans people. So even acknowledging like, OK, some of these theories don't even mention any of this, like, how could this fit in?
Does it fit in? what kind of, you know, and I think even with that, like, even in the school where I got very specific training, there's still a lot of like, you know, you would sort of use a sort of overarching phrase of LGBT affirming therapy, just sort of an orientation and sort of not in that, you know, being an ally is not enough, but there's no specific like training or style of like here's how to work with trans people.
And I think that's being creative. There's so much that's changing moment by moment. And a lot of the up and coming professionals who are now, you know, there are more and more queer and trans people who are therapists themselves who are being able to be a part of that experience. Whereas I think obviously in the past, we have sort of just been stuck being the clients, the patients dealing with whatever
biases that these professionals may have. So things are changing a lot. And I think that's really great, but it also means there's sort of this like we have to create it as we go.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Yeah. Yeah, I like what you're saying about, you know, now that we're getting older, things are changing and we have more awareness that we can start moving towards being able to have accessible resources that are applicable to different populations that really, really need it. But it's also like, we're kind of like, don't know how to do this because this is the first time, you know, we're creating this
theory or we're creating, you know, this type of intervention with this certain population in mind because we're used to this gender hetero norm of like white person culture.
Alo Johnston, Therapist
Yeah, which has been really interesting and I know we're gonna talk a bit about the, the book and things. But like, I think that's sort of what I wanted to like in the process of writing. Or first, the reason I wanted to write in the first place was a lot of people were, you know, responding to the things that I was saying with. Oh, I've never heard that before.
Oh, that's really fascinating. Oh That's like something that is never clicked for me before. And I was like, oh, I have a lot more context than the average therapist, which is not to say I never feel comfortable being like I am an expert gender identity. But also I have worked with a ton of trans people. And that even for people who have been in the field for decades, they may not have had that experience, they may not have had the insights that come from working with people for, you
know, so many people for such a long term situation, I've, you know, been able to work with certain clients for years and that has been a really amazing experience and getting to see people's long term journeys. But I think part of the reason I wanted to write the book is some of the things that seem really obvious to me are absolutely not obvious to everyone.
And you know, some of these things that, you know, in the process of writing the book. I was like, hm, I think I created a theory that was absolutely not my intention to be like a theorist. And also like, I don't think this is something that anyone has, like, put together in this specific way.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Yeah. And, and I wanna kind of dive into what you were talking about when you're saying, well, these things are really obvious to me, how is this not common knowledge? And, and you finding that it's not obvious to other people, what were some of those things that came up for you that you realized?
Alo Johnston, Therapist
Yeah. I mean, I think a lot of even really well intentioned therapists and people who consider themselves allies, like, when people start talking, particularly about like physical transition or medical transition, when it comes to like hormones or surgeries or things like that. Obviously, people get a little bit freaked out about that and clients and themselves as well are trying to figure out is this something I want to do?
I don't know if I'm totally sure. And so I think a lot of therapists sort of reinforce the like, oh yeah, you should be sure. And my feeling is like, you can't be sure, it's not possible to be sure. And yet there is this requirement. First of all, there's a requirement from like surgeons, there's a requirement from doctors of like you have to prove that you're 1000% sure.
And I'm like, I don't even know if it's possible to be 99.9% sure. So sort of that feeling of there are things you have to learn by doing. There are things you have to discover by trying them out, which is my own experience, which I spent, you know, years of my life wondering do I want to go on testosterone just circling around and around and around and around being like, well, there are pros and cons and since I'm not 100% sure I'm not gonna do it, but that didn't make the feelings go away.
It didn't make the thoughts stop. And eventually I just had to be like, I have to try it and see, I have to try and see if it is better or if it is worse than what I'm currently dealing with. And that was how I found certainty was through trying. But I think a lot of people are like, ok, let's sit with this, let's talk about it.
Like, let's just keep waiting until you're sure. And I'm like, certainty is not, I think the standard that we should be shooting for in terms of like mental certainty and then you take action, I think you get certainty through action.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert, Alo Johnston, Therapist
And that became very, very clear and is so obvious working with so so many people who are just like sitting and waiting and thinking and theorizing and reading and talking and they're like, that might not be the way that you're able to access certainty and it isn't for most people and all the while, while you're in that waiting limbo period, your anxiety can increase, your depression can increase because you're just in this like stuck place.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Yeah. What I appreciate about your mindset on that of like kind of coming to terms that like, you don't really know until you try is like, this is actually my approach when I'm working with no monogamous clients who are like unsure about maybe what boundaries they, they want or maybe they're like extremely new to consensual.
No monogamy. And I say to them, I'm like, well, why don't we experiment? Like, you're not going to know how you feel. You can like, sit on your butt all day and think yourself to death, but you're not gonna know till it happens.
Alo Johnston, Therapist
Yeah. And I think the thing about that is like, there are definitely experiences that a lot of people have. Like, everyone talks about jealousy. Everyone is just like, jealousy is the number one thing you're gonna have to deal with. And maybe, but also like, my own experience was like, I don't deal with the kinds of jealousy that everyone deals with doesn't mean that I don't experience forms of jealousy.
But, you know, I think a lot of times people only talk about like sexual jealousy and I'm like, that's not really a big deal for me. I have jealousy around time. I have jealousy around like, you know, things that even when people are discussing a topic like jealousy, you're like, oh, there are different ways it can show up and I think by doing, by trying, you're like, oh, I thought this was gonna be a problem and it turns out that this
is a problem or I thought this was gonna be a problem and it's actually not a problem at all and it's totally fine. Like those are the things that you have to find out by doing.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Yeah. So I I see it or I'm hearing like you kind of go about this process in like an exploratory manner. Like you, you literally experience that with yourself and even like it sounds like that's your framework that you use with clients. Yeah.
Alo Johnston, Therapist
Yeah, I think it is very like, I think there are so many people and especially, you know, potentially this is a confirmation bias of the people who show up to therapy. But like, the people who overthink the people who have been thinking for a very, very long time are the ones who are like, if I just think harder, I will have the answer. And I'm like, what if the answer is not through thinking harder?
What if this is trying things on? And sometimes, you know, I'm not saying like every single person has to start with trying hormones or something. Sometimes that is a haircut, sometimes that is an outfit, sometimes that is going to Starbucks and like saying a different name and seeing how it feels like it can be of course smaller things. But, you know, sometimes you just reach and again, this was my own experience.
You reach the end of where your imagination can take you and you're just like, I don't know what's after that. And I'm like, ok, well, I think that's a sign that you're not going to like bore through this wall through the power of your thoughts and logic. You have to have start having experiences that are going to give you data.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Hm I, I love that, that's a mic drop right there. And I'm gonna use that in my own sessions with clients. So thank you. So the, the idea, you know, like where, how did you know to like what's got you to start putting words to paper or if you, you probably typed it for your book, like what was your process? Like being able to like, start putting things out there?
Alo Johnston, Therapist
Yeah, I mean, I think I it was like 2020 deep in the pandemic, like November of 2020 when it was just sad and boring and lonely. I don't know if you had this experience, but I had a ton of clients because everyone was sitting with their thoughts and feelings and I was the most inundated with people that I'd ever been and turning away, the most people that I've ever had to turn away because just everyone was seeking out therapy.
And I think I had had so many of the same conversations over and over and over again with people who were exploring their gender identity and had questions around their gender identity. And, you know, I just had one session and after the session ended, I had that scene from the Lion King where Rafiki says it is time just played in my head. And I was like, I had always been thinking about writing it down.
but I had no intention of writing a book. I started typing, thinking I was writing an article and it was really long and then I was like, maybe this is an article series and then it was really long. And then one of my friends kindly was like, you should just admit that you're writing a book.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert, Alo Johnston, Therapist
And I was like, ok, apparently I'm the guy who's writing a book during the pandemic by accident too.
Alo Johnston, Therapist
So, yeah, I just started typing and kept typing, which has been really interesting because now everyone asked me my advice for, how do you write a book? And I'm like, you get to the point where you have so many thoughts that they spill out of you and then you just keep typing.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert, Alo Johnston, Therapist
Other than that, I have no idea how you write a book, good advice for anyone experiencing writer's block if it's not spilling out of you, maybe it's not time yet.
Alo Johnston, Therapist
No, I don't know.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
So you, you started writing about like your experience working with clients started as like this article series and it just came to a point where you're like, ok, it's bigger than this. Like this is a whole book worth What, what is it about? because I've been also looking at the reviews and man, they are really good for your book. I, I it's kind of sounds like I haven't gotten to read it myself yet.
But it sounds like it's good for being able to be at any point in the process of like, whether you're questioning or curious about transitioning or like you're already in the midst of it. So can you kind of give readers a little bit more of an overview and maybe we can dive into concepts?
Alo Johnston, Therapist
Yeah, basically, I sort of wrote the book that I wish I had, which I think again is my other advice. You gotta have to write the book that you wish you could read or the wish that you had access to. Like, I think that gives you so much that a lot of my questioning I spent on youtube, like watching every youtube video and reading every blog and hearing everyone's story, sort of hoping that I was gonna hear my own story and I never found it.
Of course, people are talking about their own experiences, but they're not not reaching through the screen and saying this is what you should do, which is what I really wanted. And I think there's tons of blogs where people talk about. You know, here's my experience a month on hormones. Here's my experience a year on hormones. You get these sort of practical pieces, but sometimes that's about like this is my beard growth and while that's interesting, it did not answer any of my
deep questions I like. Is this right for me? Will I regret my decisions? And I think those types of conversations are really hard to access or you sort of access in, like, these tiny pieces where you're, like, here's a Twitter thread that, like, sort of goes into this, here's like a Reddit thread that sort of goes into this. But I've never seen any resource that went into all of those things and really went into the, like, here are my doubts.
What if I regret it? How do I know I'm making the right decision? What do I do when I encounter these issues? Like one thing that I write about in the book, that I haven't seen talked about a lot if anywhere is that a lot of people's dysphoria increases really dramatically when they start transitioning, whether that be hormones or, or whatever.
Because what I think is that by accessing by starting to admit to yourself, I want this, you have to admit to yourself that you don't yet have it, which a lot of people have sort of repressed that feeling for a really long time. And then by being like, oh, now I'm on a waiting list to get on hormones or I'm on a waiting list to have surgery. I have to admit that I'm waiting for something that I want, which means I have to admit that I'm unhappy with that.
What I currently have. It's sort of like breaking over open, the, you know, that protective thing that we have been walking around with, which is just like, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Whether or not that's very convincing. They're just like I'm getting through the day. It's all right. and I don't hear people talking a lot about, it's really, really common that people, you know, right before they have access to something or, right when they start hormones or
something that their dysphoria spikes really hard before it starts to come down and you know, conversations like that where a lot of times people are like, oh, I feel worse. This must be the wrong decision and I'm like, it might not be the wrong decision. It might be that you are finally feeling something that you've been trying to not feel for a long time.
And what happens if you read that out a little bit? How do you know, like, what is a feeling of this is the wrong decision or what is a feeling of this is vulnerable and uncomfortable and I am feeling my pain and sadness and grief for the first time. Like those are conversations that I think are complex and also bigger than, you know, what I could put on Instagram or whatever in a tiny little box.
So I think that is the stuff that I was like, this is what I want to write about. These are the conversations that I'm having with clients over and over, but I don't think they're really easily accessible on the internet or in the books that are published currently?
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
I am loving and soaking in everything you're saying. because as you started talking, I like one thing that, like, clicked in my mind of that you said isn't talked about often is how the dysphoria spikes. And I was like, oh, like, could that be because of, like, grief because, like, they haven't been living the life they've been wanting or, you know, the, the waiting period that's painful.
Who likes to wait for things? Like when you, when you see your happiness and reach, but you know, it's over there and you have to wait for it or you have to wait for a stupid doctor approval. You have to wait for this darn therapist letter to come through. Like how incredibly frustrating is that. And so what I'm hearing though is that, that's not really an awareness for a lot of clients.
It, it's more so like the, the kind of like, quote I'm using air quotes, easy answer that they jump to is, well, this just must not be for me. Like this is a sign that like, this isn't what I want, I guess. Yeah.
Alo Johnston, Therapist
Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's very common that people have that initial feeling or my dysphoria has gone up. So obviously I'm on the wrong path and just normalizing that like, almost everyone is having some experience of this is more painful than it was and my own experience was I was very, very, very depressed for a very long time, but I didn't know it was about gender.
I was not aware that it was about gender for many years. And I sort of was just like, oh, I guess this is what life is like. And then in college for whatever reason, one of the first things that I was able to identify specifically was this is a gender feeling was there were a lot of people at my college who would sort of use ladies as like a general like, hey, ladies, like, and I was like, I hate being included in ladies.
Like it feels physically uncomfortable when someone is referring to me in the group of ladies. And I was like, oh, is that, is there a gender thing that's happening? I started to, you know, give light to maybe something about my gender was feeling weird and there had been, you know, other signs that I was like, yeah, I feel like my style was starting to go back to like my eight year old self.
I was like, starting to access other ways into my gender. But I think it went from this sort of low level depression or just this. Like, everything feels bad. I feel sort of hopeless. I don't really see a future in a way that I didn't understand and I couldn't pin it on anything to being like, oh, this is about gender, which was interesting because it gave me something to sort of do.
Like I was like, OK, I can like manage this, I can deal with this. But also it meant that when someone would say she or ma'am or ladies, it felt like getting punched in the gut, which was interesting because I didn't have that before, probably didn't like it before, but it was like so low level, you know, unconscious that I was not able to put those two things together.
So it went from being a vague, uncomfortable to like a really specific, uncomfortable and that was jarring and I think I had to, you know, acknowledge that like, that wasn't a new feeling. It was like a new form of the feeling. I was feeling it in a different way than I had ever been feeling it. And I was more aware of it than I ever had been.
And that was uncomfortable, but it wasn't worse. And that, you know, I think people either have to figure those things out on their own or if they're lucky, you know, someone along the way can be like, yeah, that's normal. But I think there aren't many people who have that experience of someone saying, yeah, that's pretty normal.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Yeah. And I like how you frame that of like, yes, it was uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean it was worse for me, like getting to that point in my journey. Like that means like this is opening up where my path is leading me to I think a lot of people confuse like discomfort with like discomfort equals pain because who, who likes to feel uncomfortable, right? But like in, in our field, in the mental health field, we know that pain usually leads to growth, right? You know, I'm kind of
curious, like you talked about how there was like this kind of like overarching feeling, like it was a little bit more of a vague thing and then eventually it got so intense where you're like, ok, I really know that I don't like being included in this group of people, however, it's being wrapped up in. Do you find that like, that's a common theme where like all of a sudden something becomes just very obvious and then it's like, ok, I need to explore this now.
Alo Johnston, Therapist
Yeah, I think it definitely for many people sort of seems to happen slowly then all at once. I think there are various ways that people access that of course, but I think a lot of times those experiences that are very vulnerable, which I think I talk about this a bit is that like a lot of people figure this out through their sexuality or through sexual experiences, which is why I think a lot of people think it's a fetish is because sex is very vulnerable.
There's not much to hide behind. You're often very close, physically and emotionally with the person that you're having this experience with. So I think a lot of times people start to realize, oh, I don't, you know, like the way my body is being interacted with or I don't like the kinds of labels or the kinds of rules or whatever that is happening in the sexual experience.
And a lot of times people sort of find it through that way, which again, I think a lot of times people are like, oh, is this actually a fetish? And there is a lot of really old terrible theories that are just like this is a fetish. You, you actually are just taking this fetish into your real life. And I'm like, I don't think that's a thing that happens.
I think that is not something that is actually created by trans people that is very much like a cyst theory of what is going on here. But I think a lot of times people access things through relationships or, you know, whether those are romantic relationships, sexual relationships, I think sometimes those experiences like the pandemic was an experience where people didn't have to put on the roles as much.
They weren't going into the office, they weren't having to dress up in their office outfit, they weren't having to put on their office persona and they realized, oh, I actually am not super comfortable with those things. I'm actually way more comfortable at home when I'm able to present this way. I'm able to dress this way. I don't have to like, pretend to be a professional in this capacity.
I think a lot of times just dropping the facade. And I think again, my own experience of like, when I was like, I think I'm trans, I had this expectation that I'd have to like, learn how to, like, walk and talk and like, do man things. The reality was I just had to stop doing the things that I taught were taught were like being a lady. Like, you know, so much of my life was like, you have to say, like a lady, you have to do these things, you have to act this way.
And I was like, if I stop doing those things, that's where my gender is my real gender. My authentic gender is when I stop pretending to be a lady, I stop pretending to be a girl. I stop pretending to be a woman and just do things that feel natural to me sit. The way that I feel is comfortable, talk, the way I feel is comfortable, you know, do all of these things that I have sort of pushed away because people taught me, you're not allowed to walk and talk and act that way, whether that was, you
know, explicitly said to me or was just implicitly like, implied to me. So I think a lot of that conversations I have with people is like, not you don't have to like, learn to be a man or a woman or a non-binary person. You just have to stop pretending, stop acting, stop putting on a performance.
So I think there's a lot of ways of the like what happens when you drop the facade? What happens when you're in a space where you're not required to put on a performance? What do you notice about yourself in that time? Hm.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Hm. These are really great questions that I can see being super applicable in therapy or in a therapeutic journey. And I, I just, I, I kind of have like that same light of how I practice therapy of like, what would life be like if you weren't doing this thing that's causing you so much pain or keeping you stuck in this way and usually you get some really good answers of like a beautiful life that they could have.
Right. Yeah. Now is there and does that create an easy segway for them to be like, all right, let's hop on this journey or does some self doubt creep in or fear creep in? And it's like, oh, crap, I can't go on the journey. Oh, no.
Alo Johnston, Therapist
Yeah, there's a couple of things. I think one thing that is pretty funny that happens a lot of times is people come to me and they're like, I need to figure out my gender identity and they assume it'll take like six months or a year or two years and then like, three sessions later they're like, cool. I got it, which I think sometimes it's like people just want permission.
They just want someone to be like, it's ok. Go for it. Like, try hormones if you want to try hormones, go try hormones. Like, so it is very interesting. So sometimes that people are like, oh, I thought that was gonna take a really long time and it doesn't and either they stick around and we get into deeper things which can be really fun or they're like, ok, cool, thanks.
That's all I needed. And I'm like, great live your life. I'm happy for you or there are definitely people who I think it sort of as I like to put it like stuck in the doorway where they're trying to like stand in the like, well, I'm not sure I'm ready or I feel comfortable. And so I'm gonna stand here in this sort of like, assume it to be cis gender place.
And I'm gonna like, dip my toe in the safest most minimal way into this like experience of questioning my gender, which feels the safest like people think this is the safest route that they will avoid the pain of one or the other. What I have noticed happening is usually you get the worst of both worlds. You don't get the experience of seeing what will make you happy because you haven't really stepped into that space yet.
And you're still, you know, not happy with the old, the old position where people presume you to be your, your assigned gender at birth, that you're like, kind of getting the short end of the stick on, on both sides. So I'm like, I know it seems counterintuitive and a little scary, but also like maybe fully walk into that new space, fully walk into the scary thing because you're gonna get so much more information and as scary and as vulnerable as that can be, you are gonna at least know
you're gonna know. And most of the time people are like, oh, this is way better than I thought it was gonna be like the vast majority of the time people are like, yes, the ironically, the answer is not go slower. It does go fast, do this harder and faster than you think you're going to, which again, I think goes really counter to the like, well intentioned advice of a lot of allies and a lot of therapists who are not as trained in this, which is just like, go really slow, be very cautious,
be very careful, like, don't do anything too quick, don't make any drastic decisions. I'm like, obviously know the pros and cons of any decisions that you are making, but also you might have to do them a little bit faster than you think because that's how you're gonna get the information.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
I'm really glad you brought that up because I think even in our community of mental health, we also tend to overthink things and we're afraid that we might lead quote clients the wrong way. We want to cover our butts and make sure that they're not being, you know, like flying off the handle and making a decision that like could end up bad for them.
You know, we, we want our clients to feel good. We want our clients to be able to get to the life they want. And I think sometimes what happens is our own anxiety as therapists can kind of get in the way of our client's journeys. Yeah.
Alo Johnston, Therapist
Yeah. And I think the sort of like a lot of times when you hear the conservative fear of like, people are just like getting surgeries, you know, they, they've discovered that you can, you know, change gender, as I say in airports like, and, and then they jump, you know, into getting surgeries or doing these drastic things that they consider like irreversible.
And my experience is, you know, and I also write like surgery letters for people if they want to work with me as a client or if they're just coming to me for that specific, you know, to access surgery. I've never had anyone come in and say I learned about this yesterday and I want it like most people have been thinking about it consciously or unconsciously for months but more commonly years and sometimes that looks like, oh, I didn't know it was possible to have top surgery or whatever
thing they might be looking at. and I learned about it recently and now that I know, like, I know that I've always wanted it but, like, that's the experience of, like, now that I know this is possible, I realize I've always wanted it, which my experience, like, I remember being maybe 10 or 11 years old. and, you know, one of my mom's friends had a mastectomy, which for her was a really traumatic experience and was because of, you know, cancer.
And I felt terrible because I was like, that sounds cool. And I felt like an awful person. I had a lot of shame around that, but that was the only time I had ever heard of a surgery, even like that. So when I discovered, oh, you can have a surgery like that. You don't have to have cancer. Like, it's not required that like, you know, something terrible is happening to you.
There's an illness. that was a really exciting experience for me. And I think, you know, looking back, I'm like, yeah, I, you could probably trace it back to, you know, 10, 11 year old me who, if you had told me, you know, there are people who have top surgery, I would be like, wow, that sounds amazing. But there was no one at that time. To tell me that that was possible and that existed.
So instead I had a bunch of shame being like, I'm an awful person for, like, wanting this thing that is clearly painful for this person. But, you know, I think that's really common is we don't have the language, we don't have the knowledge, we don't have access to this kind of information. So sometimes people are in their twenties, thirties, forties, fifties and they're like, oh, I didn't know you could do that.
And now that I know you can do that, I absolutely want it and I want it quickly because like my comparison that I use a lot of times is like, you wouldn't wait for anything else. Like if you didn't know glasses existed your whole life, then you got an eye exam and they're like, we have these things called glasses that will improve your life. You wouldn't be like, let me sit on that for a couple of years. You would just be like, yes, I would like the treatment. Thank you.
Like, it's very strange that this is an experience where people are expected to wait after that. They, they know something that could make their lives better. They're expected to wait for it. They're expected to be really, really sure and sit with that decision and they're like nothing else. You would never go to the doctor and they would be like, there's a medicine. Do you wanna think about trying it in a year. You would be, like, can I try it now?
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Yeah, it doesn't make sense. And I'm glad you're putting it into that perspective and, and it's amazing what kind of relief, you and so many others can have once we know that these options exist. I, I think that we are getting better but there's still so much to be done. Like, don't get me started on Florida. I'll go into a really big grant. This, that's where I'm based, I'm based out of Florida.
And so there's so much going on here going against the LGBT Q plus community and lack of education, I think is like contributing to this misinformation for like conservative leaning sides where they just don't have all the information and that breeds fear in them and just bad things happen. So I'm, I'm really upset because we've had a great conversation and we have to wrap up. So I want to invite you back like multiple episodes because I, I feel like we only like graze the top of your
book and I want to go maybe even more in depth if we can or maybe next time even talk about how being trans can affect your relationship or maybe you're in a relationship and then you come to find out, oh, I think maybe I am trans and then how maybe partners couldn't be supportive in that aspect.
Alo Johnston, Therapist
Yeah, there's so much. I mean, obviously it unlocks many things and it affects your life in all sorts of ways, which can be overwhelming and it can also be really beautiful, amazing experience.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Yeah. Yeah. If, if people want to know more about you, hear more about you, where can they find you?
Alo Johnston, Therapist
Yeah. My primarily I am on Instagram at the Trans theist. I'm on other social media sites vaguely but that is primarily where to find me and the most information. There's some more information about my book and things like that at my website alo johnston dot com. And I would say those are the, the best places to find me.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
OK. Very cool. And as like a little last thing I try something new every so often. So some episodes you'll hear this some you don't. But right now I feel like being kind of cool. As a last thing that, that you can think of what's maybe a statement of gratitude that you can talk about for your just like journey to where you got to where you are today. The populations you work with like, is there a statement of gratitude that you can give to the audience?
Alo Johnston, Therapist
Yeah, I'm just so grateful for the community, like the people who came before me and the community that like, I want to go, got to go on like a small little book tour and just seeing first of all strangers, very exciting to be like, wow, there are strangers who read my book and came to this event, but like people who are there because I think it's really easy as you said, places like Florida and obviously many other states in the country are doing some wild and terrible things.
and it can be really discouraging and I think we as a community have to stick together and keep each other going and keep each other alive in like emotional support and, you know, practical support. And I think the trans community has survived so much and we absolutely will continue to survive so much. I would love a time where we don't have to survive so much, but I think it's just an incredibly resilient community.
And I'm so grateful for all the people along the way that, you know, I don't even remember every conversation. But again, like those reddit threads, those like blogs that I found where people said really impactful things. I don't even know who they are and who specifically to think. But like they got me here and I'm so grateful that I am here.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Oh, I love that so much, so much, love being spread out into the world. So count on the community. I'll make sure all the links just for people to find you in your book will be in the show notes. And I'm super happy that you were able to do this today. Thank you so much.
