Breaking patterns of codependency: healing the wounds from a dysfunctional family to thrive in adult relationships

Show Notes

In this episode of Stubborn Love, host Paige Bond is joined by Lianna Purjes, a licensed therapist and empowerment coach. They dive deep into the topics like overcoming childhood trauma and dysfunctional family dynamics, particularly those stemming from alcoholic homes. 

Lianna shares valuable insights on understanding attachment styles, regulating stress responses, setting boundaries, and nurturing healthy relationships. You’ll walk away from this episode with practical strategies for emotional regulation and communication skills. 

00:55 Special Guest: Lianna Purjes on Overcoming Childhood Trauma

03:28 The Power of Understanding Attachment in Healing

04:40 Exploring the Impact of Attachment and Emotional Regulation

08:26 Navigating Codependency and Setting Boundaries

17:16 Emotion Regulation and Coping Strategies

26:55 The Importance of Communication in Relationships

36:33 Lianna's Group Coaching Program: Resentment to Resilience

Lianna Purjes is a licensed therapist and empowerment coach helping women who grew up in alcoholic homes overcome resentment, people-pleasing, and fears of abandonment so they can build healthy and fulfilling relationships. 

Connect with Lianna

FB page: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61555634097090 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/coachingwithlianna/ 

Link to book a call with me: https://www.coachingwithlianna.com/ 

FB group that houses all my freebies: https://www.facebook.com/groups/resentmenttoresilience 

Free Group for Neurodivergent Men Rescuing their Relationships: https://www.facebook.com/groups/ndmenrelationships/

Connect with Paige Bond

Instagram: @paigebondcoaching

Facebook: @paigebondcoaching

TikTok: @paigebondcoaching

Website: https://paigebond.com

Paige Bond hosts the Stubborn Love podcast, is a Licensed Marriage Therapist, and a Polyamory Relationship Coach. Her mission is to help people-pleasing millennials navigate non-monogamy so they can tame their jealousy and love with ease. Her own journey from feeling lonely, insecure, and jealous to feeling empowered and reassured is what fuels her passion to help other people-pleasers to conquer jealousy and embrace love.

Free Jealousy Workbook:

⁠⁠⁠http://www.paigebond.com/calm-the-chaos-jealousy-workbook-download⁠⁠⁠

Free People Pleasing Workbook:

⁠⁠⁠https://www.paigebond.com/people-pleasing-workbook⁠⁠⁠

Disclaimer: This podcast and communication through our email are not meant to serve as professional advice or therapy. If you are in need of mental health support, you are encouraged to connect with a licensed mental health professional to receive the support needed.

Mental Health Resources: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling.

Intro music by Coma-Media on ⁠⁠pixabay.com⁠

Transcript

(generated by AI - please excuse errors)

[00:00:55] Paige Bond, LMFT: All right, guests. Welcome back to another episode of Stubborn Love. I'm your host, Paige Bond, and I am joined today with Lianna Purjes, who is a licensed therapist and empowerment coach, and she helps people who grew up in alcoholic homes overcome resentment, people pleasing, really a bunch of other stuff that we're going to get into today.

I'm not going to talk about all of it because I'm going to let her shine light on it since that's her expertise, but I'm so excited for this episode because Liana, I know I found you in a group and I was like, Oh my gosh, I wish I knew you years ago or wish like I found this program years ago, because I was like, Hello, I can definitely be an ideal client for you.

Um, so without further ado, Lianna, why don't you introduce yourself to the listeners? Tell them a little bit about who you are and how you got started on this journey of helping people. 

[00:01:46] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Yeah, thanks so much for having me and actually, you know, you mentioned you wish you had something like this years ago.

That's why I kind of got into this work because I wish I had it years ago. Also. Um, so, yeah, I actually started my career as a special ed teacher working in elementary schools and I loved it, but. You know, I was working in in the South Bronx. I had a lot of kids living in poverty with a lot of trauma going on in their lives, and they would come in and exhibit all these signs of trauma, and you could see it.

But I had no idea how to help them because they don't that to teachers, or at least back then they didn't. So, eventually, I made the decision to go back to school and get my, MSW I've worked as a therapist in different settings with kids, adults, inpatient outpatient, residential schools. And now I have a private practice, and, you know, I recently decided I wanted to start a coaching program because I kind of think of, like, my personal journey having grown up in an alcoholic home, like, therapy helped me immensely in terms of doing a lot of trauma work and healing. I did go to Al Anon and some 12 step groups, and that also was amazing for me because it gave me that community that I think I really needed.

Um, but, you know, after all these years of work, I came out of it thinking Okay, but I'm still struggling, right? There's certain things. I'm still struggling with. I'm struggling in my relationships with friends, romantic relationships. Everything doesn't feel good. Um, and then when I got trained as a therapist, my eyes were opened.

I mean, this was my light bulb moment. I remember my, my first internship. I was doing attachment work and they handed me Bowlby's article on attachment and I think I burst into tears reading it because I was like, oh, my God, this explains my entire life. How did nobody teach me this before? and then continuing to learn and grow as a therapist.

I got so much out of it in my personal life. Um, I learned communication skills, healthy communication skills, how to set boundaries all these things that I think was just like the missing. Piece of the puzzle that I really needed to complete my healing. Not that, you know, we ever are done healing, but, you know, we're always growing and learning.

But I think that was the piece that was really missing for me. And so. You know, I thought about, you know, I feel like maybe this could be a helpful service to offer people to really give them those concrete skills. So now I'm, uh, starting this coaching program and I'm really excited about it. 

[00:04:37] Paige Bond, LMFT: Oh my gosh.

And I can't wait to talk more about it and what goes on. And I think it's so funny that you mentioned Bowlby because I was recently at a conference for marriage and family counselors and session after session after session, they're mentioning It's They're mentioning the strange situation study where they're determining attachment styles and how it formed and I kind of was in that same place where I wasn't taught really more or my program in grad school wasn't really focused on attachment and connection and relationships.

And I find it so interesting because that's just like such a key way of how I work with people and now like conceptualize my own relationships and conceptualize the way that we work with clients. And I feel like it is such an easy to understand concept. Like, why is this not talked about more? Like, do you have any thoughts on that?

[00:05:30] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Don't know. That's a really good question. Um, I mean, in terms of research, I think it's it's a relatively young area. obviously, it started in the mid 20th century, but I think a lot more research is coming out now. I think there's a lot more awareness about attachment issues and attachment styles and the impact that can have on our adult relationships. why it's been so hidden, I don't know, but I, I agree. I mean, I think it's so important to have at least a basic understanding of attachment. You don't have to be an expert in it, but just to have a little bit of knowledge about it, because it does really inform our adult interactions.

[00:06:18] Paige Bond, LMFT: Yeah, I definitely agree and you mentioned a little bit about like you went to Al Anon and you got some good stuff out of it, but it didn't really get everything that you needed. And so you kind of transitioned into, you know, more research for your own self. And so I'm kind of curious what you see that Al Anon and the 12 step programs like that cover that doesn't meet the threshold of what we really need for even deeper healing that, you know, things like your program touches on.

[00:06:51] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Yeah, I mean, I always say I think Al Anon and other 12 step programs can be really great, um, but it's not for everyone, and that's okay. I think for me, what I really got out of it personally was that sense of community, that I could go to a meeting, to a room, And talk about some of the thoughts I had about my mom that the average person, if they would hear me say that out loud would look at me like I had two heads, right?

And like, could you say that about your mother? And it's complex when you grow up with an alcoholic parent, you have very complex feelings about them. you still love them, you still care about them, all that stuff, but you also might have some anger and some frustration and all kinds of feelings.

And in an Al Anon meeting, I knew I could say whatever was on my mind, and not only would people not look at me like I have two heads, they would nod along of like, yeah, totally get that. I'm, I've been there too, right? Um, and that was just so amazing for me, and that was, I think, the first time in my life I had that outside of a therapy session.

[00:08:03] Paige Bond, LMFT: So, it was about community. 

[00:08:05] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Yeah, that for me, that was the biggest thing. people get different things out of it. You know, one of the 12 step slogans is, you know, take what you like and leave the rest. Right? So, I mean, for me that was the biggest gain was that community of people who truly understood what it was like to walk in my shoes.

[00:08:26] Paige Bond, LMFT: Now, can you talk a little bit about how codependency gets formed out of growing up in a dysfunctional family like having alcoholics or someone who's struggling with substances as caregivers? 

[00:08:39] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Yeah, for sure. in the 12 step community, they definitely see Al Anon as a codependency program because That is often what happens when you, especially growing up with it as a child. but for anyone who has a relationship with someone struggling with substance use, there is the difficulty often with setting boundaries and knowing when and how to set them because you love this person. Right? Like, obviously you, you wouldn't care otherwise. So there's this instinct to nurture and take care of people we care about, that's just ingrained in our DNA. which is great and that's a good thing. The problem is when someone is deep in their addiction.

I almost think of it as, like, if someone is, they don't know how to swim and they're drowning. If you go and try to save them and you're not trained as a lifeguard, they might pull you down under with them because you're just not trained for it, right? And it's not because they're trying to hurt you it's just they're in this survival mode and it just naturally happens. And I think it's often the same when we're talking about loved ones of people who struggle with substance use is that they're so deep in their disease for whatever reasons that you can easily get sucked into it yourself. Because you're trying to help.

Okay, so that can look a lot of different ways, right? Like, I mean, it could look like literally taking care of them. Like, I know with my mom, I often would get her groceries. I would go to her apartment and clean out all the bottles I could find it could be things like that. It could be lending them money.

It could be giving them a place to stay, whatever it is. It can also be on an emotional level of really taking care of them emotionally and using up all your mental space and energy to take care of them and their needs. And then what happens naturally is you end up neglecting your own. And that can happen consciously subconsciously all kinds of ways.

so it's very common for that to happen. And I think, you know, there's also this piece, especially if you grow up in an alcoholic home, you might be neglected in certain ways, either physically or emotionally. again, just a natural side effect of this terrible disease of addiction. And because of that, then we get into this bit of kind of craving that nurturing and craving that connection even more than the average child.

So, then, as adults, what do we do? We do exactly the same thing. We chase it. Because we grew up. Feeling like, okay, I have to chase it to get it. So then we end up doing that as adults. And then, you know, it can just kind of build and snowball in itself. 

[00:11:38] Paige Bond, LMFT: I love how you describe that too, because I can definitely imagine someone coming into the dating scene, growing up in a home like that with codependent tendencies,

and going after emotionally unavailable people, going after people who may actually neglect them emotionally or physically. but that's their experience of what love was growing up. So that makes total sense of why they're like seeking that person for them. Um, gosh, I mean, what does that do to someone trying to make relationships in the adult world? Like, how does that play out? 

[00:12:18] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: I mean, I can speak from my personal experiences in that I think it, it created this lens that I, I saw the world through this lens of fear, um, being scared of rejection and abandonment, but also craving that closeness. So it was this push and pull all the time where I would seek out that attention that connection that love and nurturing but then I would pull away from it too, because it was scary because it was unfamiliar. So, when I did get it was just back and forth and back and forth. And I think it, it, it can cloud every area of your life too.

I remember when I graduated college and started my first teaching job. Um, That was probably, I'd say, the peak of my mother's disease and of my inability to set boundaries. It was, it was at a bad point. Um, and I remember just being irritable all the time. I was just so annoyed. And I was talking to a coworker who said, you know, you probably should go to an Al Anon meeting because I think that's what's going on with you.

And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. You don't understand. It's this thing that happened at work. It's really annoying. And, Why are you talking about my mom? It's nothing to do with my mom. And she was like, uh huh, uh huh. Yeah, maybe you should go to a meeting. And I'm like, no, you don't understand that I would argue and argue and argue.

but I look back at that now and I'm like, oh, yeah, absolutely. That irritability that was coming out in me was just this reaction to feeling hurt and frustrated and scared and angry and loving my mom and being worried about her all at the same time. And it just happened to come out in this irritability often at work.

So, you know, I think that's something I often tell people is it's not always about the thing. Sometimes it's about what might be underneath the thing. 

[00:14:18] Paige Bond, LMFT: I'm so glad you mentioned that because I think that's a really good sign for people to look out and maybe do a little bit more self reflection. If you're getting more reactive over something that may be like not a simple thing that used to bother you then, but it sounds like when you notice stressors bleeding into even other areas of your life, that's kind of a moment where you need to take a temperature reading and see what the relationship with this person is really doing to you.

What would then be their next step to gain a little bit more awareness of the impact of this codependent relationship, not setting boundaries and stuff. What's the next step? 

[00:14:56] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Yeah, so I talk a lot with people about kind of giving them that education and that context because I know, I think having that context and understanding is, is super important to healing and to understanding your own reactions and your own relationships.

And again not everyone's going to be an expert and attachment. You know, mental health and whatever and that's fine. You don't have to be but I think everyone should just have a basic emotional literacy, you know, like, we do about anything else in our everyday lives. So I talk a lot to people about attachment and the issues growing up and how that impacts our adult relationships. I talk a lot to people about nervous system regulation, you know, regardless of your childhood or history or whatever. We all have nervous systems. We all have stress responses. And I think it's really important to understand what's going on neurologically so we can react accordingly. 

And then I really focus a lot on these concrete skills because for coaching, especially, I think it's really important to walk away with skills. So, while I will validate feelings, of course, that's a big part I think of of any work like this, I think it's important to really think about the actual words you can use to set boundaries. Or how do you even figure out what boundaries you need to set because that can be overwhelming too. how do you communicate with people? How do you express your needs instead of feeling like you always just have to people please?

how do you go about recognizing red flags if you're dating or meeting new friends or whatever and being able to avoid this cycle of attaching to people who are emotionally not available for you? I really want to work on those skills because I think that's a really important piece that people don't always get in 12 step or therapy programs.

[00:16:59] Paige Bond, LMFT: I love that. Really easy path that you have there. Awareness. And then moving into calming down your body when it gets all reactive, and then moving into like skills that you can walk away with and like actually start using in your life. Can you talk a little bit more about the emotion regulation part because I find that this in my work with clients is a really big struggle for them.

Because they're used to running on that stress response and that is their life. That's how they've survived and they really don't know any other way. So can you talk a little bit about the skills that you might teach or any other important education that would be good? 

[00:17:41] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Yeah, I do a lot of education on the brain and the stress response and, and also normalizing it, right?

It's actually a good and adaptive thing that we have the stress response because when we're in physical danger, it helps protect us. The problem is the same response happens in the brain if we get an email that is triggering or if we get a phone call or something like that when we're not in physical danger.

So I talk a lot about that. We do a lot of education on what that looks like in the brain and how that impacts the body. we know there's a somatic body response when this happens. I talk a lot to people about, let's think about your warning signs. How do you know when you're starting to get escalated?

and let's think about the signs, the symptoms that happen when you're really in it, you're really stressed and triggered. and then let's think about those regulation strategies. And I, I always encourage people to have as many tools as possible in your toolbox. There is no single coping skill that will work 100 percent of the time.

It's just not realistic. So we need to have as many options as possible. I talk a lot about, you know, you can have those top down approaches those cognitive mind based approaches. We have the bottom up more based approaches. It takes a lot of trial and error and I like to normalize that for people to like it can be frustrating sometimes right because.

It's not a magic pill. I can't say to you, cool, do this thing and boom, just like that. You're going to be great. You know, everyone's so different. what works for one person is going to make someone else more anxious. So it just takes a lot of trial and error. You got to play around with it, see what works, what doesn't.

What works in specific situations or environments and what might not work, whatever it is, just play around with it. you're experimenting, you're exploring and that's okay. And then as we learn more, then we can start to narrow things down more and really come up with a regulation plan that's individualized for you.

[00:19:51] Paige Bond, LMFT: And I really like how you said there's no one tool that's going to work for everybody, like I can totally imagine some people like deep breathing through a situation can work really well, whereas if they try that, that's going to piss them off more and they're going to become dysregulated. And so maybe a walk would be better or going to go lift some weights would be better and just like focusing the energy that way.

So yeah, have as many tools as possible. You talked a little bit about boundary setting and how that was, you know, something like it came to a point for you and your own relationship with your mother where you're like, okay, there's something that needs to change here. How would one know when they need to start setting boundaries or that they're having boundary issues with somebody?

[00:20:38] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Well, that's a great question. I would say one of two ways. Either you're consciously aware of frustration or anxiety or whatever it is related to your relationship with that person. I think for a lot of people it might be. Feeling like I just feel like I get walked all over and it's all about that person and their needs and it's never about mine.

There's a great example of a sign that maybe you need to set some boundaries. It could be that irritability or things like that that I was talking about earlier. and it could also be somatic or physical symptoms, you know, for a lot of people, that will show up in these physical symptoms. It could be you're so stressed about your relationship with this person that you're noticing more tension, you're noticing pain, you're noticing feeling ill, whatever it is.

it can show up in different ways, but I would say... good clue is if you're thinking about, oh, I don't know, maybe I need to set boundaries with this person, the answer is probably yes. 

[00:21:44] Paige Bond, LMFT: I love that. If you're thinking about it, it's more likely that your brain is taking you to the right place.

[00:21:51] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Yeah, for sure. 

[00:21:53] Paige Bond, LMFT: That kind of brings up something for me because I also have this struggling relationship with my mother as someone who also grew up in a dysfunctional home like that. And it's something that my partner had pointed out to me, how like I get worked up during certain interactions or anything like that.

And I'm like, Oh my God, you're totally right. And for a lot of people, it can be really easy to get defensive, kind of like your story. You were like, no way. That's not me. That's not what it is. But when I was able to like sit there and think and be like, Oh my gosh, it really is having this kind of impact on me, and now it's bleeding even into this romantic relationship with my partner. I can imagine there's so many situations where growing up in a dysfunctional family home can start to intrude on like the couple relationship. Can you speak a little bit about that on the impact? 

[00:22:50] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Yeah. Well, I mean, we know that our first model of what a romantic relationship looks like is what we grew up with in childhood.

like for me for example, there was a lot of anger and screaming in my family of origin. So what happened as an adult before I learned how to regulate and figure this stuff out. I was angry. I was angry all the time. I was angry at the world. I was angry at the checkout person at the pharmacy that it was taking forever.

I was angry at the customer service person on the phone when I was having problems with my table. You know, like, I was just angry at everyone. And that was the spark I guess that ignited it. But what was underneath was just this anger because what I grew up with was well, when you're dysregulated, or if something's not great, that's what you do.

You get angry and you yell. and so for me, that was just normalized. That was just what you do. whereas in other families, it could be something else. you know, someone who grew up in a home where you sweep things under the rug, and you just make a joke and pretend nothing ever happened, you don't talk about feelings.

They're going to end up doing that in their adult relationships, too. So I've had to do a lot of work in my romantic relationships in my adult life on not getting so angry so quickly and I still get angry. I mean, there's nothing wrong with anger. Anger itself is a normal and healthy expected emotion. I think what's different now for me is when I get angry now, I notice it internally more quickly and I'm able to regulate to avoid the screaming.

That was the big thing for me was the screaming. So I had to do a lot of work on not reacting so quickly and being able to notice when I was angry so that I could do something to step away, avoid, you know, basically turning into the Hulk. I mean, I was like, I was super angry. I was yelling a lot and sometimes throwing things and, you know, I was doing a lot of stuff that my, my partners in the past would look at me like.

They didn't even know who I was. They looked at me like they didn't recognize me. at the time, that kind of added fuel to the fire a little bit, and it, it made me even more upset, but Now, I look back on it and I get it right because I almost was a different person. I was in fight or flight. I was not my usual self and, you know, they just didn't know what to do.

I've had to do a lot of work internally and then one boundary that I set with my husband. Now in our relationship, as I say, if I say I need space, you gotta leave me alone. Like, that's a non negotiable boundary. Because when I say I need space, that means I'm recognizing I'm getting escalated, I need to walk away.

Otherwise, it's just gonna keep going and eventually, it's gonna reach a boiling point, and I'm gonna start yelling. And I know that triggers him. So it's my responsibility. My behaviors are my responsibility and at the same time, I can tell him, listen, here's what I need. When I say this, just leave me the hell alone and I'll be able to regulate and then we'll come back to it later.

[00:26:22] Paige Bond, LMFT: I'm glad you touched on that because I was actually going to ask what you might suggest for the partners who are witnessing the more dysregulated emotional person, and how can they help in those situations? Like, for instance, either the one you just mentioned, or like my partner having pointed out to me, hey, you're Getting kind of, you know, irritated when you mentioned talking about this with your mom, you know, want to talk about that?

What's going on? So any other suggestions that you would give to the partner seeing that happen? 

[00:26:55] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Yeah, that's a great question. I always encourage clients to After they've done some good exploration work on what triggers them what the warning signs are What their regulation strategies are to communicate that to their partner, because our partners, they want to help right?

Like, I always say, I, my husband drives me crazy. I love him. But like, once in a while, he knows not to do this, but once in a while, he'll slip. And if I'm getting frustrated, he'll be like, just calm down God. And to me, that's 1 of the worst things you can say to me. Frustrated,

right? Um. But, you know, I think it's coming from a good place. It's coming from a place of good intentions of I want to help. Like, I see you're dysregulated. That's not fun. I want to help you get regulated. We just have to go about it in the right way. Otherwise, it can add fuel to the fire. So I always encourage my clients to take the responsibility of communicating their needs to their partner.

being able to say, hey, when you notice me pacing around the house, that means I'm anxious. That means I need you to do X, Y, or Z, whatever it is. and of course, there's no guarantee that will happen. We can't control other people's behavior, but like you said, our partners want to help our loved ones want to help us.

And a lot of times they might say the quote unquote wrong thing or not do anything just because they just don't know. They don't know what to do. So I always encourage my clients to have that conversation for the partners. I would say if you're really curious, just ask. It'd be like, hey, when you're anxious, when you're frustrated, when you're sad, when you're whatever.

What would be helpful? Do you want me to check in with you? Do you want me to leave you alone? Do you want me to hug you? Do you want me to do whatever? Um, just have these open conversations because again, everyone is so different and has different needs. So as long as we're communicating, here's what would be helpful for me.

That's really the best thing we can do. 

[00:29:04] Paige Bond, LMFT: What a concept! just being able to ask, like, if we like boil it down, like that is such a simple thing, either communicating, hey, this is what I need, letting your partner hear and then do what that is, or partner on the other end, trying to do the helping.

Figure it out by asking and being curious. I love that idea. Now, I want to take that a little bit deeper, though, because I see this so often in my work. What do people do when they don't know their needs? Their needs for themselves or their need in the relationship, especially in those dysregulated moments.

[00:29:42] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Yeah, that is pretty common, I think. You know, we, in our culture, generally, we grow up with a vocabulary for understanding and expressing our physical needs. Ailments, you know, if you don't, my tummy hurts, hurt my elbow, my head hurts, whatever. but most people I'd say have very limited vocabulary and understanding even of their own internal processes and feelings.

So I think it starts with really just taking the time to really dig deep and explore that. The prompts that I give clients usually who are struggling with it are what are the body sensations? And it doesn't have to be anything major, right? We're not talking necessarily about as soon as I feel stressed, I have a massive migraine.

It's usually not that quick. What are the more subtle things going on in your body? Do you notice tension? What do you pay attention to? What do you notice in terms of, you know, your thought patterns? Are you thinking about certain things? Do you have racing thoughts? You know, what's going on for you cognitively and then also think about what are the behaviors you exhibit that other people would notice?

So, you know, I've talked with clients who said they talk a lot louder when I'm anxious or I pace around the room or I get fidgety. it could be lots of little things that we don't necessarily attribute to some kind of emotional distress, but it could be. so really thinking about that.

And if you're really getting stuck and you're really just don't know, that could be a good time to ask your loved ones like, hey. What do you notice that I do when I'm upset? What do you notice when I am anxious or right before we get into an argument? that could be a really good clue. 

[00:31:39] Paige Bond, LMFT: Oh, and they'll write a novel for you on that.

[00:31:42] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Yeah, they will. 

[00:31:45] Paige Bond, LMFT: I can imagine that, especially with the people you work with, they can experience quite a resistance and being able to reach out for their loved one and ask for needs to get met. maybe for just the conditioning of the environment they grew up in where they were always the caretaker and not the ones being taken care of.

So how do you work with that? 

[00:32:09] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Yeah, great question. Um, and, and absolutely it is true is it's this hesitation to even ask or express needs. And then even when you do, it's just like feeling of guilt or that you're being a burden or something like that. it's really hard. so I usually tell people, let's start with the low hanging fruit.

Let's start with the easy ish stuff, and then we can build up over time. it's almost like working out a new muscle, you got to start small, and then you increase over time. With setting boundaries or asking for your needs to be met, what is something you could tackle, just one thing, so we don't get overwhelmed, that feels Less uncomfortable than other things.

I understand it's going to feel uncomfortable. Let's just acknowledge that reality, right? But let's start with what's going to feel less uncomfortable. So it could be something simple, like if your friend is always running late to meet up with you, right? That could be something simple that you ask:

hey, really frustrates me when I'm sitting around and I don't know when you're going to show up. Could you text me when you're leaving the house? So I have an idea of when you're going to be there. That's something that could be done in a text message, which feels a little less vulnerable for a lot of people.

So, you know, something like that, let's start small. See what happens. And then as you practice and get better with it and more comfortable over time, then we can work up to some of the bigger stuff. 

[00:33:41] Paige Bond, LMFT: I really like that baby step approach because I think it could be incredibly hard for someone who has not had a good track record of communicating or setting boundaries or asking for needs to be met all of a sudden.

You know, just word vomit their whole need inventory to their partner. That could also like bring about like an emotional hangover I would think as well and just like them feeling completely exhausted and maybe even have feelings of shame Associated with that. So I think the baby step approach sounds like a really good way to get in there.

Mm As far as, you know, the, the topics of codependency is there anything else that we haven't gotten to that's really important to mention for listeners out there just kind of going on their own journey of working out, maybe coming from a dysfunctional family home or, you know, having dysfunctional romantic or friendship relationships?

[00:34:42] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Yeah, I mean, I'd say I think the work is not easy. That's just a reality. It's hard. We're talking about patterns and tendencies and things that have been ingrained in your brain since you were a baby. It's not simple. It's not easy. but, that being said, I think it's absolutely worth it. 100 percent worth it.

I've gone through many years of therapy. I did the 12 step. I've done all this, lots and lots of work for lots of years and as painful and hard as it was at times to really dig into that stuff. 100 percent worth it, I would not change it. Change it for one thing ever. when I look at my life now, and it's not perfect, you know, everyone has stuff.

I still go to therapy. you know, I still have stuff to work on. but it's absolutely worth it compared to what my life was. So I would say to anyone out there not being sure if you want to try, just give it a try. See what happens. I mean, It takes some time and it is hard work, but yeah, I think it's absolutely worth it.

[00:35:56] Paige Bond, LMFT: I agree. I totally agree. It is, it is difficult. And like you said at the beginning, like it doesn't just like stop, like when you learn these things or when you start doing things differently, it's not like, okay, you're all better now. It, this is a lifelong process of you practicing and leaning into growth and leaning into just always learning and being curious about yourself and the people in your life.

Definitely. So as we're kind of winding down here, I'm wondering if you can talk a little bit about your work? 

[00:36:31] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Yeah. Um, so I run a group coaching program. it's called resentment to resilience.

and I really love helping people who grew up in Alcoholic homes or otherwise dysfunctional homes really work on some of those attachment issues, understanding their nervous systems, how to regulate them and building those communication and relationship skills so they can build really healthy relationships.

I really love helping people break out of this cycle of short lived disappointing relationships and really figure out how to build healthy, long lasting relationships. I do that through this group coaching program, which I really love. I think it's, it's amazing to see the growth people make and just to see the support that group members give 1 another again, that sense of community, I think is so important. if people are interested in learning more you can go to my Facebook group. That's kind of my club where I keep all the info. it's called Resentment to Resilience.

the group is, is awesome. I do a bunch of live trainings for free, I have some resources and tips, we give feedback in there and everything. So yeah, if anyone's interested, that would be the place to go. 

[00:37:53] Paige Bond, LMFT: Awesome. Sounds like another great community that you're building as just another really important resource for people just needing to find connection with others.

So listeners, I'll make sure to have all those links in the show notes so you can hop on and go check out Liana's group. Liana, thank you so much for being here today. I appreciate you sharing your expertise. I know that, again, like I said, I definitely could have used this group a long time ago. So I'm so happy that you're creating this because I know so many people come from these types of dysfunctional family homes and don't really have the skills or like roadmap of like what to do now as adults.

So thank you so much for creating this and sharing it. 

[00:38:36] Lianna Purjes, LCSW: Yeah, thank you so much for having me. It was great talking to you. 

[00:38:39] Paige Bond, LMFT: Yeah. All right, listeners. Well, until next time, take care.