Navigating Love, Relationships, and Non-Monogamy with the Plura Community
Show Notes
This episode delves into the complexities of love, relationships, and non-monogamy, highlighting conversations with Noa from the Plura (formerly Bloom) community, an app that fosters connections among individuals exploring non-traditional relationship dynamics.
The discussion covers topics including the challenges faced by non-monogamous individuals, the importance of community support, the negative impacts of dating apps on genuine connections, and the role of consent and communication in healthy relationships.
The episode also touches on societal perceptions of non-monogamy, the journey of finding personal identity and fulfillment within alternative relationship structures, and the mission of the Bloom community to provide a safer, more inclusive platform for people to explore and discuss these aspects of their lives openly.
00:53 Diving into Dr. Phil's Non-Monogamy Episode Controversy
01:55 The Realities of Non-Monogamy and Family Dynamics
07:26 Exploring Identity and Finding Community in Non-Monogamy
09:59 The Mission of Bloom: Building a Counterculture Community
11:47 Navigating the Digital World of Connection and Dating Apps
17:48 The Importance of Community Support in Non-Monogamy
22:52 Redefining Relationships and Sexuality in the Digital Age
32:33 The Future of Connection: Beyond the Swipe Culture
43:21 Closing Thoughts and Where to Find Bloom Community
Noa Elan has been building communities for as long as she could convince her parents to print out summer camp invitations in their office xerox machine. Before Plura, Noa helped grow some of the biggest brands in the world, including Lyft, Adobe, Tide, Square, and more. Noa has been part of the non-monogamy community in Oakland for more than a decade and continues to learn as much as she can about psychological safety, power dynamics, consent best practices, and restorative justice.
Connect with Noa Elan
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/noa_elan/
Meet others on Plura: https://heyplura.com/
Apple Download: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/id1528252601
Android Download: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=community.together.bloom
Connect with Paige Bond
Instagram: @paigebondcoaching
Facebook: @paigebondcoaching
TikTok: @paigebondcoaching
Website: https://paigebond.com
Paige Bond hosts the Stubborn Love podcast, is a Licensed Marriage Therapist, and a Polyamory Relationship Coach. Her mission is to help people-pleasing millennials navigate non-monogamy so they can tame their jealousy and love with ease. Her own journey from feeling lonely, insecure, and jealous to feeling empowered and reassured is what fuels her passion to help other people-pleasers to conquer jealousy and embrace love.
Free Jealousy Workbook:
http://www.paigebond.com/calm-the-chaos-jealousy-workbook-download
Free People Pleasing Workbook:
https://www.paigebond.com/people-pleasing-workbook
Disclaimer: This podcast and communication through our email are not meant to serve as professional advice or therapy. If you are in need of mental health support, you are encouraged to connect with a licensed mental health professional to receive the support needed.
Mental Health Resources: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling.
Intro music by Coma-Media on pixabay.com
Transcript
(generated by AI - please excuse errors)
Welcome back to another episode, listeners. I am very excited about today's episode. this is actually a first meeting with our guest today, but we have so much to talk about. and you know, we're actually going to start off with some juicy gossip about Dr. Phil and then I'll let Noa introduce themselves in a little bit, but okay, you have to tell me what's going on with Dr. Phil here.
[00:01:15] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Okay, so this is like fresh from the gossip oven, and so Dr. Phil's production reached out to me and they were like, non monogamy is becoming really cool and we want to do an episode about non monogamy. So let's discuss if you want to come with your polycule. And we jump on this call, right, with this producer from Texas and she frames the discussion this way, right?
She says, Hey, you know, it's true, Dr. Phil is fairly conservative. If you read about him, you can learn. They don't say it officially, but Dr. Phil is really over the fact that, the networks are either one side or the next side, right?
Like we, we don't want a one sided conversation. So really what we want to do is bring in a more balanced viewpoint of key discussions. And today, one of the key topics is the future of families in America. And Dr. Phil is actually pretty concerned about the future of families in America. So he really wants to come and have a lively and respectful debate about non monogamy.
And I was like, oh yeah, okay, that's good, good. So what is that going to look like? So this person says, well, you're going to represent non monogamy. And the way it's going to work is we're going to come to your house. We're going to take some videos of you with your family and your polycule and capture a lot of footage.
And then we're going to fly you to Texas and we're going to put you on stage. We're going to show some of these clips that we've edited and then you're going to represent non monogamy in this fruitful debate and I was like, okay, great, great, great. Who are we, who are we debating with?
So they say, well, we're going to bring a professional healthcare psychologist that doesn't believe in non monogamy and they're specifically focused on child development and family systems. And I was like. Okay, so you're telling me that I'm going to debate the merits of non monogamy from my lived experience in front of a healthcare professional that is focused on child development.
That doesn't seem really fair, right? And they're just like, oh, you don't think it's fair? I was like, no, I don't really believe that I can, you know, be very helpful in this conversation representing non monogamy. If you brought another family, maybe we could talk about the lived experience of my family versus this other family.
And then she says, well, okay, maybe I have an idea because I found this other, psychologist, she thinks ethical non monogamy is an oxymoron. And she has a dad that is a psychiatrist that also doesn't believe in non monogamy, so maybe they could be the family that represents the other side.
And so just, you know, obviously, I didn't ask if the child care services would be on stage for this fruitful discussion, but it just made me so sad and realize like, oh, I'm in a bubble, you know, I am surrounded by people like you Paige on Instagram talking about non monogamy and alternative relationships and consent and communication.
[00:04:17] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: But the reality is that there is big, big players that are playing against us, right in some way and are building the story to work against Amon Agamemn. That made me really sad. well, as soon as you talked about it, saying that it's a psychologist, the first person focused in child development. It's very clear that they haven't read any of the studies that have been done around raising children in non monogamous relationship dynamics, because it is very clear that the quality is just as good, if not better, in those types of environments. So I'm just really wondering where they get their data from.
[00:04:57] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah, I know, right? And it's, this is what's really sad, right? Everyone is consuming their own information and their own data. And, and what's interesting is I don't think that what makes great families great in non monogamous relationships is the non monogamy.
I think it's really a signal of Adults that actually care about rethinking structures and rethinking how they raise kids and rethinking how they show up in the world. I think that is really the nugget. If I would assume, I would assume that non monogamy isn't really what's impacting directly the, the child experience, but it's rather like an indication of a family structure that rethinks norms and rethinks how they do stuff.
[00:05:41] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: I totally agree with you because so often people are just raised in doing things how they've always been without really questioning if it's healthy, if it's good for the child development or, or what have you. And that's so interesting you bring up that point and that I agree with, like, why are we arguing about Non monogamy itself being a thing.
We should be arguing about what can be healthy for raising a family. what are the things needed to be involved to raise a healthy child? That's what we're worried about.
[00:06:14] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah. And, and I don't know if you know Carrie Jeroslow from *Relationship Diversity* podcast, but she talks. Oh yeah, she was on our podcast actually.
[00:06:24] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: yeah, yeah. She's great. I love her.
[00:06:26] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah. But I think like the whole idea, right? It was just about like, find what fits for you and your family.
[00:06:33] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah, yeah. And it gosh, I think what gets misconstrued is people have one idea of what non monogamy looks like. And it's so interesting because as Someone who works with people day in, day out. I've never seen the same relationship twice in a non monogamous dynamic. They have all sorts of different variations of how they make it work from them.
And so I think people often just have blinders on and get pigeonholed into just thinking one way that like is a representation. It's a misrepresentation of a whole community. Yeah. Hmm. well, would an intro, I imagine that, that show is not going to go through with Dr. Phil.
[00:07:15] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Not for me, but probably someone else who wants fame will bite into this bait.
[00:07:22] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah, well, I appreciate you sticking to your guns and what you believe in, and I agree that is quite unfair to have people from just very different backgrounds trying to speak on topics. It doesn't really make sense. so while we have that, why don't you introduce yourself to listeners and tell them who you are?
[00:07:42] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah. well, I will kind of say that. I felt like I lived two parallel lives until pretty much nine months ago, right? So I, I had the "normie life", quote unquote, you know, air quotes, normie life, which was, I was an executive in tech. I worked at Square and Lyft and Adobe and all like the really cool brand names.
And I had a family with two kids and went to business school in Berkeley, did all of the regular things. And which all made me feel fairly like empty, right? Like there was like a way that I did the things that society told me to do, but I really didn't feel like I was making an impact. I didn't feel like I knew who my identity was.
And I didn't feel joy, right? And play in my life. And then I found non monogamy about a decade ago. And that's where I found my nugget of me. Right. So I would do all this work in tech and I felt pretty unimpactful to be like, did I actually drive any revenue for the company? And do I actually care that if I drove a revenue for this company, but what I knew is I knew, Oh, I have community on this other side.
And I have 70 people that if I say that I organize a party, they'll all send me a hundred dollars for the party, no matter what the theme is. And they have these people that call me when they have jealousy issues. They say that I've transformed their perception about relating. So I was like, I see all this stuff and I walk into these parties and events and people are like, no.
And I'm like, okay, there is this world that I see is available to me on my "social life", quote unquote, that gives me impact, gives me identity, gives me pleasure, gives me creativity. And I don't know what to do about this regular life theoretically that everyone else considers like the whole life, which is where I felt that I didn't belong.
So for many, many years, I kind of did this like parallel reality. And about a year ago, actually, I lost my job as part of another tech layoff. And I was like, I will be in the same place if I don't do anything else. Like I will find myself. You know, I just turned 40. I'll be 50 in a job that I don't feel like I'm making an impact with co workers that don't get me with a job that I don't care about the mission.
And I'll be in the same place in 10 years, 100 percent if I don't change anything. So I kind of went down this path of Finding my mission or kind of like aligning your mission with what I saw as the nugget of meaning and identity. And I landed pretty much my dream job at Bloom* Now called Plura*. Bloom was already, it's like an app for counterculture people.
So, like me, people who are poly, kinky, and queer, psychedelics, like thinking, rethinking, you know, living on the edges of counterculture. And we help people find community through events and chats and dating. And it was like everything I wanted, right? Like everything I did with my hundred people that would give me a hundred bucks for my party, I can now do with 40, 000 people that would give me $20 a month and be able to like actually make meaningful impact, both on organizers that are doing the work, kind of like you and people who are educators, people who are event organizers, teachers, and on the other side, people are actually lost just like I was and believe that there's maybe somewhere else, a community that will like light up when they walk into the room.
[00:11:06] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: And I'm so glad that I stumbled upon you. I myself was just like, do do do do do, searching events on Eventbrite, just trying to find like, types of support and education around non monogamy for clients that I work with. And something told me, I'm like, okay, I have to reach out to this company because this is an amazing mission.
It's clear that you guys are seeing something that is not really being done anywhere else. Like there's, sure there's apps out there that, you know, are for dating or something like that, but not really for building community. Can you talk about the differences between your app and building community versus someone going on something like hashtag open or field or something like that?
[00:11:54] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah. Oh my god, I, you know, I do a ton of research on these dating apps, and I, one of them, like, you have to pay three dollars to give someone a compliment, and I was like, this is so sad, you know, it actually, it's just so sad the amount of swiping and ghosting that happens on these apps. And how people, I'm imagining, right, just lay in their bed, swiping, swiping, and just reinforcing the narrative that there's no one out there, that you're doomed to a life of loneliness.
And I'm like, there's people, hundreds and thousands of people out there hanging out. Doing cool stuff you just need like I don't even create the event where the platform for events Like you could just go out any day in these cities and do a rope jam and learn rope, or sit and do connection Exercises, or do a poly happy hour, dance like there's so many things and like but but the world right and especially social media Has just banned them.
You can't talk about these things. You can't mark these things. So people just sit and imagine that their only way of finding connection is by swiping. So the insight that Luna, who is the founder of Bloom, had is like, okay, how do we get people to actually find the communities that are out there? Because if you go to an event, you have a way better chance of finding someone.
You don't have to pay three dollars to give a compliment, you can actually go and show up in front of people, right? Because that's what churches used to do, right? In some ways, churches used to give you context for connection. And people would say things along, I've never been to church, but I'm guessing that people said things along the lines of, Oh, you're not my type because you don't have the right hair.
But I saw you put down the chairs and help that woman. So I want to like go on a walk with you. Or Oh, you don't have the education that I expected, but I've noticed that you always pay attention to what people talk about. So I want to hear more about what you have to say and dating apps don't allow that at all.
Right. Dating app is just like looks, social status, swipe, swipe, swipe. But the truth is like, we need more context for people to actually meet. So Bloom really enables that meeting in a more scalable way.
[00:14:10] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: I'm so glad you brought up this point of this disconnect that there's these dating apps that are meant to help you connect and find someone to be in a relationship with, yet you're very pingenholed in being able to learn about them. Like you said, the way of being able to meet people in person can give you that open mindedness and flexibility by seeing a person in action, you know, doing the human things that they do, maybe showcasing their kindness. And again, maybe if they're not quote your type, maybe you would swipe left on an app.
Or maybe a look or a status, but see in person that they actually share a value and are practicing a value that you really desire in a relationship. I'm so glad you brought up that point.
It's really sad that so many apps are really more focused on it being so binary. Do you have this, do you do this? Whereas it sounds like the Bloom community can just allow you to be and exist and showcase yourself a bit more freely.
[00:15:15] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah. And part of me is also thinking about the threshold right to meet like if you're on a dating app, like it's a big deal to go on a date with someone and, and the truth is, how many people do you actually want to like date now? Like this is like a really big like threshold for connection but I think what community allows you is to have like friends. Right. I was just reading. And there's like a new book the other significant other reimagining life with friendship at the center with Rhaina Cohen.
And it just talks about friendship. Right, friendship is like this very like basic connection as if in some way, but this is the future, right? The future is, and in some way, if you talk to non monogamous people, it's really about the friendships. Like, how many partners can you have, right? And how many partners do we actually find interesting enough to be our significant other?
But the truth is like, there's so much more to friendship and connection and when I talk to people about Bloom I'm like, yeah, of course every day I have people telling me that they found their relationship on Bloom or they find their hookup on Bloom. I'm like, more often than not, you'll find the person to go on a hike with, and you'll find someone to talk about your jealousy with, and you'll have someone talk about what to do about your divorce process.
And, and those things are really, really meaningful because that is what anchors us in being a human. And I want more of that for people.
[00:16:41] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah, I also think you bring up another good point. especially On how in this monocentric society or mindset, we often think that there's different like levels of status for the different roles of people in our life, where we see our significant other as like way up high and a friend some amount of levels down.
Whereas that really limits you and do thinking. Okay, like, well, what, your friend shopped liver or something? Yeah.and it's really interesting, you talk about how you get so many people bringing up friendship and getting so much out of it. That's actually what I've been referring my clients to because they don't really have that many people that they can talk to, especially people who might be transitioning from more of a swingers lifestyle into polyamory, there's actually a lot of stigma against going into having a more emotional side of things.
And so I'm wondering if you might be able to speak to that, or if you have any stories about what it's like as far as not having those really great connections and support going through those different non monogamy transitions.
[00:17:56] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah, you know who I look, I look up to in some many ways is single moms, like single moms, because they literally have no support are my poster child for living in community, right?
Because they're like, I literally cannot do this, right? So I'm, I'm gonna bring my kid. To this birthday party and let them learn how to engage with adults, or I'm going to ask my friend to pick them up from school because they literally have no one else. And I think that, especially when you're in a monogamous lifestyle or even in a swinger style, which is very couple centric, there is just like so much support and system built into someone has my back. And I think as you go into non monogamy you feel dropped so many times, right? and some of it is like the growing pains, like, oh, I'm growing out of dependence into independence, right? but being dependent doesn't mean like I'm doing it all by myself, but it's really about how do I resource myself on this journey?
And I think that's where community comes in, right? Like that's where going to a workshop is or, you know, when I see on bloom, we have a new to non monogamy chat and like people share and the fact that other people relate to them or not relate to them or give them a different perspective like that is where.
The magic is that is like what allows you to keep going in some way because it is so scary like our nervous system when we start separating, our nervous system just feels like it's gonna die, right? It's like, I need to hold on because I don't think I will survive. And just having moments of interaction with other humans I think in some way allows you to believe that there is a future that it's going to be okay.
[00:19:40] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah, it can be so soothing when maybe in the real life relationships you have around you, you don't have that kind of support or you don't have someone who's maybe knowledgeable about how to navigate more difficult experiences in non monogamy. But if you surround yourself with people who have either been there or who are also struggling with the same thing, but also have like the hope or goal to making it to the other side.
Gosh, you're going to be in a lot better hands than just either sitting alone or sitting with someone who's not supporting you on that journey.
[00:20:14] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah. And I have an amazing friend. she taught me everything about metamors. She was my metamor. Anna Hirsch, she's a MFT. She creates all these cute art about relationships.
And I have seen her like lean into community care in such a big way, like not hiding, like, Oh, this is really painful. And I'm gonna be in pain around people and I'm going to allow people to see me in my pain and I'm going to allow people to hold me and walk with me and that's like just so beautiful, right?
Like I think that allows you to show up in your relationship actually as a grown up in some way because you don't just look at this one person and be like only you can make me feel okay, right? There's like so many other people that can make you feel okay and that will resource you to show up in the world and show up in your relationships in a beautiful way.
[00:21:06] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah, and I think that's the thing that can be a lot of times the downfall of a monogamous mindset is being so reliant independent on having your partner make you feel better when it kind of Gets your brain stuck in this pattern of not one being able to soothe yourself Or when that partner is not available reaching out to other people who could really help you calm down So I love that Yeah.
[00:21:34] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): You know, one of the things I've been thinking about because I have an eight year old kid, we can talk so much. But she is like that. She drops with them. She teaches me so much about my jealousy or my attachment. It's just like incredible. But I've been thinking about how high I've been trying to like make sure that she doesn't build as much shame as fast as society is trying.
But then I've been like posting on Instagram like, wow, I can't write sex, I can't write orgasm, I can't write clitoris, like I can't write any of these words. I'm like, wow, this is pretty intense to think that in today's world she talks about vulva and she talks about orgasm and she talks about sex all the time and to think about the moment that she actually logs into mainstream media and discovers that it's not okay to even say those words, like how intense to grow up this way.
[00:22:28] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah, it's like what are we teaching this generation that we're raising that it's not okay to explore our body parts like these things that are attached to our body that that are very important to know about, so that we can either learn how to explore whether that's, you know, giving and receiving pleasure, whether that's just knowing the equipment we have and maybe how to communicate that to either our partner, our freaking healthcare professional. Right. So, yeah. Oh,
[00:23:00] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): yeah. So I think part of it is what I want, even for bloom is in the next generation is allowing people to be able to like self express, right? I don't want anyone to upload nude photos of themselves. I don't think that that's the place we operate.
But I'm like, why is even being able to say sex equivalent to uploading nudes? You know, even when I talk about content creation on bloom, people are like, oh, but no, like not only fans content. I'm like, no, there's like a massive gap between naked photos, which I don't think is what people are looking for to being able to say like, Oh my God, what do you do with like sex drive going down when you go through perimenopause?
How are these two things bucketed together around the taboo-ness or around self expression? It's just like unbelievable.
[00:23:49] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah. And these are questions that people are Googling every day to try to fix their relationships. So it's, it's not uncommon that people are searching for information around this.
Right.
[00:24:02] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Oh, right. It's so true. You make me think about this website, make love, not porn. you should interview Cindy Gallop, she's the founder of make love, not porn. She did this big Ted talk about, oh wow, people are using porn for sex education and her whole website is and user generated uploaded videos of regular people having regular awkward sex. And yeah, like so important, right? Like if we don't create the platforms for it, it will always be in the alleyways of the Internet.
[00:24:38] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah, and you bring up such an important thing. if we're using porn as our education where things are edited heavily in post where things are scripted where, even adding in sound effects after or, or whatever in post, like. What, what's going to happen when someone is laughing during sex?
What happens when one of you farts or squirts or whatever during sex? And now all of a sudden you start to compare yourself with what you've seen in your porn education. And then you start to go down that shame spiral.
[00:25:15] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah. I know. Hmm. Yeah, so I want to fix that or solve that or at least build an alternative reality.
Yeah, it's interesting, because I was just hearing Lily Lamboy, she created this non profit called the Modern Family Institute, which talks about reimagining families. And she was talking about how in the workplace, because she's an HR professional in her background.
She talks about when you talk about non monogamy, people are like, don't bring sex into the workplace, right? And she's like, why is me saying that I had a date night with my husband for our anniversary not bringing in sex into the workplace, but me saying that I went to my boyfriend's birthday party is bringing in sex into the workplace.
So it's just like, there's all these ways. And I even feel it right. Like when I talk with my business school classmates or LinkedIn, like, I feel like I'm hiding non monogamy from the professional space because I feel like it's not okay. So it's yeah, it's just so interesting to see how we all swim in it.
[00:26:21] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah. As you bring that up when people get defensive or, start to say things like that, when someone is bringing up just talking about an interaction, maybe with an, an partner who maybe isn't their primary partner or partner that other people know about so much, that it's really a reflection of that person's assumptions and judgments that they have, because nowhere in that conversation did the other person mention sex.
Did the other person mention, you know, what, what wild things that they are doing in their outside relationships. I hear that as a big lack of education about what non monogamy really is.
[00:27:06] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah. A hundred percent. That's so true. You know how Dr. Phil was like, ethical non monogamy is an oxymoron, right?
But even the fact that we call it ethical non monogamy, right? Like we've removed that phrasing from our app completely because even that in itself assumed that non monogamy is unethical when it happens.
[00:27:26] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah, I'm at this really interesting place where I'm trying to decide what to do about that because I've been gaining more education and being more informed around that.
And you're right. Why do we say ethical non monogamy when we don't say ethical or consensual monogamy? When a lot of times monogamy ends up being infidelitous and not actually monogamous. So it's really interesting how we have like this kind of categorization for this relationship dynamic when we don't do that for monogamy.
[00:27:58] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah, and part of me is like, oh, is it a branding issue? Like, it's just so long to say non monogamy because every time I read it and even I'm like, non monogamy, I'm like, I wish I could just say ENM, which sounds so good. But yeah, part of me is like, oh my God, like some of it is so much phrases and words and you know if we know anything about our politics and stuff really the more liberal you are the less good you are at marketing, I feel, and so I just feel like we need to make it cool. We need to go back into finding a way to make it sound inspiring.
[00:28:32] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah Yeah, I would love to be on the board or on the brainstorming team of that because, that that's going to take a lot of ideas, especially with shifting the generation that has control, at least over here in the United States of so much say of what we do in our relationships or what we do in our bodies.
It's making it really hard. To not be stigmatized and to actually be out.
[00:29:00] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): And to not be, what I love Jessica Fern talks about in Polysecure is that so many non monogamous people don't talk about the sexual part of it. And it's not that they don't care about it, but there is this stigma, right, that we have built that we want to talk about.
The possibility of loving more people or the possibility of expressing yourself differently, but no one people don't say like, oh, it's also pretty exciting to have sex with new people and it feels amazing. So I do feel like there is a way that similar to how sex education has moved away from. And being about pleasure to being about knowing your body, knowing your boundaries, like a lot more like the consent tactical parts about of the sexuality versus the pleasure.
I think the same thing is a little bit happening with non monogamy, where we're focusing on the things that are a little bit less edgy, like sex, in order to be in that conversation. But I think in some way, we're losing a part of it.
[00:29:59] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah, very interesting you bring that up. I hadn't thought of it that way, but it's still a very important part of the dynamic, you know, if that plays a role in that relationship.
[00:30:09] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): And, and swingers like know it so well, right? And I think it's so interesting because swingers get such a bad reputation in non monogamous circles. And I think part of it is, you know, swingers were some of the trailblazers of non monogamy, right? Like way before consent culture. And they had their own culture and they had their own rules and even if today we look at it and we say like, Oh, it's less thoughtful in this way, or there's more assumptions in that other way. I do think that there is so much we can like appreciate about the ways that swingers have brought us to where we are today. And about the fact that it's just its own choice, right? Like if we call it polysexual, it sounds less. You know, judgy and to people, but there is something about like, Oh, yeah, it's just still on the spectrum of how you engage and in swingers own that so much of it is a sexual expression. And I think that is also like true to the world.
[00:31:08] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah. And I love that too. this kind of gets me thinking about one thing it's almost like, it's so interesting how people might be so against or speak so harshly against anything around non monogamy. When, if you go to like, thepornhub. com search history, threesomes are really popular, group sex is really popular, like, it's, it's really interesting. these terms are highly searched, yet no one's really talking about it or cutting people some slack and just letting people be.
[00:31:41] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah, totally. Well, I think there's like so much we like to talk about and trauma and like this, this stuff. So I don't consume a lot of visual porn, but I do a lot of erotica. So like lit erotica. Which is, such an old school, like, there's amazing apps now, like this Dipsea and stuff like that, that is way better for erotica, but yeah, like a lot of the top ranking is mom and kid and like a lot of non consensual stuff and, and yeah we cannot ignore the fact that there is trauma that is leading our behaviors, and there's a lot of taboo, and if we don't allow people also to have any, like, healthy or diverse examples, people go to the edges. So I think that there's just something really interesting about how we know that these things are happening. Yes, we want to just, we can't really deal with it, so we don't want to look at it.
[00:32:39] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah, yeah. I want to switch gears here and go a little bit back to, the Bloom community. so I'm kind of curious if people are interested in either learning more about the different types of communities you have, do they necessarily have to identify? like with one of the identities of the groups that they're interested in learning about?
[00:33:02] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah, I think it's a great question. I think there's just so much that people post on it, so it's everything. I would say that the, the, Best way to use Bloom/Plura or the people that get so much value from it is people who are like starting their path. Because once you're in a community, you actually like know so many of the things that are happening.
But if you're coming in, there's just like no onboarding into non monogamy or onboarding into kink or onboarding into queer identity. So there is like everything that you want to explore, right? So we have like spirituality, sexuality, consent, and, and within it, there's just like so many workshops, whether online or offline, and then different chat topics.
And what's really cool, like we, we spoke about like the swiping experience before, what's really interesting is that we see that people match 10 times better if they have been at an event together, right? Which kind of is obvious after you hear you think about it, but there is this reality of like, oh, yeah people have context and then they meet after and part of it's like I think similar to dating where you have all these thoughts in your head about what you're looking for, right?
So you're like, ah, if I would go to a workshop, I really want to make sure that there's enough of this gender. I want to make sure that they do this. Or what about the snack? But i'm like you should just go out and see how Nice it is to meet people. I I host sometimes happy hour when i'm traveling around different cities And people are like I hate happy hours.
I'm like I hate happy hours too. And you know what? It might be better than just sitting and watching Netflix. So, because you might just actually meet people and talk and have like, when I come out of a happy hour, I'm actually pretty excited if I'm with the right people, right? Not my sometimes business school friends, but if I can talk about like sexuality and relating and edge of culture stuff, I come up excited. So I think part of it is like when you go on to Bloom/Plura, there's so many opportunities to have entry level connection I call it like low, eh, low investment, high quality connection. Like you can go out and meet people and have a good conversation without it being like the thing that you have to. it's not that like that your trip to Thailand, that you have to like spend a lot of money, take two weeks off of work. I want more people to believe in the opportunity of connection without having to invest really heavily in it.
[00:35:31] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah, and when you think about it, the amount of investment that that is compared to the investment someone is doing swiping on an app, usually mindlessly while they're doing some other task.
So I almost want to say like in the negative of investment, if you're like multitasking while swiping. Still, you're right, that is such a low cost of energy or whatever it is to go try it out and see for the possibility that could really yield some really great opportunities of meeting maybe lifelong friends or a romantic connection or a sexual connection.
[00:36:10] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): And then I think about like, what's our responsibility as tech companies in some way, right? Because I I go on the other apps and swipe and I'm like, I'm unavailable for a relationship to be honest, right, like I'm married to my job pretty much, and I'm married as, in addition to that, and I have like a few partners or lovers, and I have kids.
I'm really unavailable to meet more people, and yet I go on these apps and swipe and ghost or like drop off, and why? Because I think that these apps create like a dopamine hit, right, like, and the matching experience is so rewarding, right, like someone chose me back. There's like what's behind the swipe?
Like maybe there's someone really interesting. So all of these things that make social media apps terrible for actual mental health is the same things that make dating apps terrible. And then after you match the extra lift emotionally and cognitively to meet people is so high that so many people drop off of that experience.
You're like, okay. I got the match, now I have to like actually engage in a conversation and see if you want to meet and see and actually Go and meet and assess my risk level around meeting like a person that I don't know. like there's so many hurdles on the way, so I think like our responsibility also for me, what I want is like, how do I get as much people out there as possible to actually meet in person and, and not just get them to feel the fake sense of achievement just by matching on the app.
[00:37:37] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah. I was talking about the apps with my partner the other day. cause we actually met on a dating app and we're very, very fortunate enough to be successful in that. after many non successful experiences. And so we were talking about how it really is like that dopamine hit. Like you said, it's like, people seeking that validation.
Yeah. And it's almost like a game for them to like prove to themselves about like their worth or that like they still got it or whatever. And then not realizing that when you go someone or when you just like get off the app, or you don't go through with an experience all of a sudden or stop talking that there's another real human person on the other end.
[00:38:22] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Oh my God. Totally. Totally. I do think that. You know, I've, oh my god, I was just writing about it in my newsletter. I was just thinking about the more we remove ourselves from the impact on the other person, I'm sure you know, like, the trolley experiment, experiment in psychology, where you, like, push someone to kill one, one group versus the other.
And they found that the more you separate yourself from the action that leads to people's death, the more you'll do that terrible action, right? So if you just click a button, you'll do it more frequently than push a person on the railroad to stop it. So there's like many ways and I think the same as this, what you're talking about with the dating apps, like ghosting someone on a dating app doesn't feel as intense as standing in front of a date in the middle of the day and just like leaving without explaining why you didn't leave.
Right. So I think there's something about how technology has allowed us to behave in ways that we would never behave when we, if we were in person.
[00:39:21] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah, it helps us avoid consequences of our actions in a way and I think kind of makes people out to be really not actually in line with their values. I was having this conversation because I'm actually, part of another app, that, that focuses on dating.
[00:39:40] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): And I was having a conversation with someone they were talking about this experience where they keep getting ghosted or they have these really awful experiences around the apps. Well, I'm really interested in this idea of consequences, actually, because I've been thinking about dick pics, which are, like, such a terrible experience. Yeah. Like, it really feels violating to see them. And then I was like, what if we had like a hold on your bank and if you send a dick pic, we would like debit your account for like a hundred dollars and send it to the person that you send the dick pic book to.
Yes. I know, right? That'd be so exciting, actually. It'd be so like rewarding. So I just like, I'm curious about this idea of like, Oh, we're building on because now I'm going, we can't upload any photos because of that, because we don't trust people. but I'm like, Oh, we're building for the bad behavior instead of actually building for the vision and figuring out like, what system do we need in place in order to allow us to live like our dream life and avoid the bad behaviors.
[00:40:44] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah, well, if you come up with this idea where you have that consequences of debiting your account, let me know how I can invest because I want to see that happen. Oh,
[00:40:54] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): I think there's something there.
[00:40:56] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah. I mean, I think this just all falls in line with, you know, like we were temporarily talking about and this will be the last thing I'll say on apps as far as swipe culture.
You know, doing the mindless scrolling likely isn't in line with someone's values. And so they're already not going to feel good about swiping. And so they're also not going to likely feel in line with whoever they end up talking to because they're probably also on the other end doing the same thing. I think that's what's so hard about the dating apps nowadays.
No matter what dating app it is, people really aren't on there to find a partner or multiple partners. They're on there to find validation.
[00:41:39] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Totally. I have a friend that actually told me that they match. They chat with the person and then they just go and masturbate. I mean, and yeah, yeah, like, that's just like the externalization of the reality of This is actually about me.
[00:41:57] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yes. Yeah. Right. Cause there's the other person now, did they consent to, you know, having that action as a result of the conversation? It's really more of sounds like an inward experience. Well, we have to start wrapping up soon, but before I have you just say any last words, is there anything else that people should know about the Bloom/Plura community itself or just for people trying to navigate their own experiences, maybe some of these more marginalized identities?
[00:42:30] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah, I think, you know, what I, what I think so many of us say that are in this industry is like find people, right? Like find a support. you kind of talked before we pressed record, you spoke about editing if we make mistakes and I was like, yeah, like part of being a human is mistakes, right?
And how do you join a community that allows you to make mistakes and kind of raises the hand being like, Oh, that didn't feel good. And. And actually teaches you the skill. So, so much of what I'm excited about is actually not being perfect for bloom. It's like, Oh, how do we create a space where people can give each other feedback when they say something that hurts someone's identity or then how do we actually create the experience of repair.
People build a stronger trust in stronger intimacy with people. So yeah, just excited about that, like the potential for all of us to make in this space by continuing to show up around communication.
[00:43:30] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Hmm, I'm like on fire and excited and just can't wait to see as the Bloom/Plura community develops more, just what will come of it.
if listeners really loved what you had to say, can you say a little bit more about where people can find you, how people can join bloom, or just like in general things that you're up to and supporting.
[00:43:52] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah, totally. So I would say, go out, but the, join our bloom community on the app store is like the way bloomcommunity.
com can give you like a promo code also. We're a free product, but if you're a super bloomer, you actually go to the workshops for like 50 percent off. So I'll give you a code you can give with your community, but yeah, just download from the app store. Create an account and just like meet people.
There are so many cool people to meet out there, like hundreds and thousands of people waiting to meet you in the real world and give you a free compliment for under $3.
[00:44:34] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: Yeah, so you do not have to pay to receive kindness.
[00:44:38] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah. And yeah, what I would say is like, thank you for doing this work. Like I have learned, because I think we're in the same space in some way when you create content and podcasts.
What Bloom does is we are platforming other people at the end of the day and the world and the internet is a very sex negative place and it's so hard to navigate it. So I've learned about so many different educators and therapists from your workshops. So I think like just keep on doing that work because you platforming these people will allow other people to find their community and find their support system.
[00:45:14] Paige Bond, Host, LMFT, Non Monogamy Coach: That's why I do it. Yeah. Yeah. Ah, well, thank you so much, Noah, for sharing your knowledge, sharing your wisdom and your love and energy today. I really appreciate you being on the show.
[00:45:25] Noa Elan, CEO of Plura (Formerly Bloom Community): Yeah, thank you, Paige. All right, listeners, I will make sure to have all of the information, about Noa and about the Bloom community in the show notes.
So until next time, take care.
