Creating Authentic Connections in the Non-Monogamy Dating Scene
Show Notes
Exploring Love Beyond Boundaries: Honesty, Freedom, and the Future of Relationships. Daniella is rewriting love's playbook in a modern world as the founder of the first non-monogamous matchmaking agency.
In this episode, you’ll learn about:
Why it’s so hard seeking partners in the non-monogamy community
How matchmaking emphasizes efficiency, with upfront questions to avoid wasting time on incompatible matches that your dating apps don’t screen out
The concept of consensual non-monogamy and the importance of self-honesty and open communication in navigating non-monogamous relationships.
What advice Daniella gives her clients, especially women, about not settling and prioritizing their desires and goals
How different types of non-monogamous relationships affect the matchmaking process
Non-monogamy matchmaking success stories with Velvet Ties
Daniella Guimaraes, based in NYC and Miami, is a pioneering non-monogamous matchmaker dedicated to fostering honest connections. With a fervent belief in the healing power of open communication and unwavering authenticity, she champions personal freedom in every relationship she crafts. Join her as she delves deep into the nuances of modern love and the transformative power of genuine connections.
Noteworthy quotes from this episode:
"If dating apps wanted to help you find a life partner would put these things as filters. Right. Do you want a baby? How soon do you want a baby? Like they, they would add these filters."
"If you think about it, more people are identifying as part of the non monogamous community compared to some under the queer umbrella, but we're not really giving them a space to talk about it. We tend to shame things that don't feel comfortable to us, and so there's a lot of judgment and not a lot of understanding when it comes to non monogamy."
Connect with Daniella from Velvet Ties
Website: www.velvetTies.com
IG: @velvetties_
Connect with Paige Bond
Instagram: @paigebondcoaching
Facebook: @paigebondcoaching
Website: www.paigebond.com
Paige Bond hosts the Stubborn Love podcast, is a Licensed Marriage Therapist, and is a Polyamory Relationship Coach. Her mission is to help people-pleasing millennials navigate non-monogamy so they can tame their jealousy and love with ease. Her own journey from feeling lonely, insecure, and jealous to feeling empowered and reassured is what fuels her passion to help other people-pleasers to conquer jealousy and embrace love.
Free Jealousy Workbook:
http://www.paigebond.com/calm-the-chaos-jealousy-workbook-download
Free People Pleasing Workbook:
https://www.paigebond.com/people-pleasing-workbook
Disclaimer: This podcast and communication through our email are not meant to serve as professional advice or therapy. If you are in need of mental health support, you are encouraged to connect with a licensed mental health professional to receive the support needed.
Mental Health Resources:National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling.
Intro music by Coma-Media on pixabay.com
Transcript
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Welcome back to another episode of Stubborn Love. I'm your host, Paige Bond and yet another very exciting guest in the world of non monogamy. Today. On the show, we have Daniella Gu Mariz and she's a non monogamy matchmaker based out of New York and Miami.
I don't want to give away too much of her story. So I'm gonna let her introduce herself, but we have a whirlwind show to get into as really the first ever non monogamy matchmaker ever. So Daniella, thank you. So much for being here. Can you introduce yourself to listeners and let them know your story? especially like how to even get into matchmaking in this realm.
Daniella Guimaraes, Non Monogamy Matchmaker at Velvet Ties
Hi Paige. It is a delight to be here and hi, everyone. So as Paige mentioned, I'm Daniela Garai and I got into matchmaking when I decided to retire as a model. I was looking for my next steps and I'd finally found a relationship that was enabling me to be my true self. Have honest and open communication and it was just so liberating. I've been identified as non monogamous since about 14 years old. Despite not having ever seen that around me, had vocabulary for it. I didn't even realize
Daniella Guimaraes
it existed, but I always remember talking about, oh, when I grow up and I get married, my partner and I are gonna have two different homes and a boyfriend back then, you know, you can do whatever you want when you're not with me. What's important to me is what you're doing when you're with me and so on. So, you know, when you feel like you're on the right path, that feeling from deep inside, it's like I'm on it, I started the business and that's what I got. So here we are.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Yeah, you kind of just landed here. But it sounds like this was really rooted in who you were all along. Like such a core part of yourself in your life.
Daniella Guimaraes
Absolutely. And it was also really hard seeing once I had, you know, the perfect relationship for me or as perfect as it gets, right. Seeing my friends suffering with, you know, mismatched partners that just wouldn't allow them to be themselves. So, something that was just so important to me, I wanted to kind of share and one of the biggest difficulties I think in non monogamy is finding partners and finding secondary partners because you don't really wanna fish around
your friend pool that gets complicated. So it's, you know, it's a way to, to meet other non Monon people interested in the same things without having to shit where you eat.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Yeah, I think that is probably one of the hardest things about being on a non monogamy journey is really where do you find other people like you interested in these same things? You know, how do we go about this process and being able to find someone who was looking for same things that we are in this type of relationship, especially with it being out of, you know, what we quote say is the norm, you know, this hetero mono norm
narrative that society has kind of built up as this really like what they feed you as the only option and what you and I both know is there's way more options outside of that.
Daniella Guimaraes
So it's on one side, it's really simple, right? It's you're either monogamous or you're not. And once you've decided that you are, you know, just choosing, hey, let's go with, I'm no longer dating monogamous people. So, on that side it's, you know, it's simple to, to differentiate, you know, match, not a match, but that's just the very
preliminary, you know, if there's, I like blonde hair, blue eyes, I like olive skin, brown hair, you know, that's, that's the initial thing that doesn't really mean anything.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Yeah. So like the preliminary, like thoughts about. Ok. Well, first you choose the non monogamy versus monogamy. Ok, great. Now you have all of these other steps of, ok, how do you find your match essentially?
Daniella Guimaraes
Yeah, there's, there's multiple ways. Right. So in New York City and Miami it's a big community, there's a lot of mixers, there's speed dating events there, there are a lot of these things do exist in smaller cities. It can be a lot more complex in New York. You're also able to go to these events, even if you're not willing to be completely out of the closet.
There's such big cities that nobody really find out unless they're already in that community. as opposed to, you know, smaller locations, you kind of start with non monogamy and everything's out, right. I think people gossip a lot more as well when you're in a smaller town. so big cities, it's easier to find people, but it is very time consuming just because you go to an event and you talk to 20 people doesn't mean schedules are gonna line up to meet again that week and people
disconnect. So that's, that's where the matchmaking comes in. It's a way to be efficient. Right. It's, I think the number one value proposition is efficiency, especially if you're running a business or taking care of your kids or, you know, whatever situation in your life is.
I feel like nobody feels like they have so much time on their hands. And I don't even really want to get into dating apps because they've never worked for me. I don't really even understand them. So I'd like to compare more into, to real life, like meeting people in real life.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Yeah, I think that's so powerful what you're saying about how one, there's this efficiency aspect out of the matchmaking. So you're not essentially like wasting your time with people who aren't really aligned with what you're seeking. And I was actually talking about this with my partner the other day, you know, to kind of rag on dating apps.
They're essentially also like designed for you to not really find the partner that you want. You know, they make money by having subscribers or by whatever. So it really makes a lot of sense how you're saying. Well, yeah, the dating apps aren't really working.
Daniella Guimaraes
Yeah. And I do know for people that found their life partners on dating apps, but I feel like it's even the every day that passes, it's more and more rare and you're right. It's a video game right there. You, they get paid by you playing the game, not finding anyone. And another thing that's important about the matchmaking is, you know, we ask all those hard, you know, there's a lot of questions on a first date, but it's really hard to ask and if you ask, it's too aggressive or too, you
know, it's just, it feels awkward. So we ask all those hard questions before even your first date. So you won't have a first date if you want to have a baby within six months, if you want to live in a separate city, you know, we ask all those questions. So your first date does not have to be awkward with all those questions. You already know the answers walking in.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
I love that like one. Why don't we do this more often in like dating in a sense? Because that sounds like it relieves so much pressure from that awkwardness of that anticipation or the intimidation that a first date usually has, right? Because you go on the first date to get a feel for the person and you're kind of in this space. If you're not asking those harder questions, that may make it feel awkward, you're also in the space of possibly starting to develop feelings for someone who
necessarily might not be aligned with what you're seeking for anyways. Like what, like you said, what a waste of time. It sounds like matchmaking. Really eradicates a lot of unnecessarily hurt feelings and then finds you someone who you're not wasting time with.
Daniella Guimaraes
Let's be truthful here. If dating apps wanted to help you find a life partner would put these things as filters. Right. Do you want a baby? How soon do you want a baby? Like they, they would add these filters. It's not that hard to add a filter. So, if they were trying to be successful in that way, that would be there, it's, it's important you can't partner.
That's one of the things I, so I do some coaching on the background. All my clients, I coach even the non-paying members when they're going on a date. I'm like, what do you truly want? Don't settle for a relationship, especially for women. We have a biological clock. If you want a baby, don't waste two years of your time with someone that's not gonna give you one on a job.
You know, you don't take, if you're looking to make $100,000 you're not gonna take, take a job that's offering you 20 in the hopes of one day getting there. You're not gonna do it. My modeling manager, Laura, she lives in Miami is also a matchmaker. She's a more traditional matchmaker, but she's an awesome coach and she always says you need to treat it like a job interview.
You know, you're looking for a partner, you need to go on four dates a week and prioritize that. Right. So, if you're, if that's what you're looking for it, it does need to be prioritized and it's no different in non monogamy. I think with secondary partners you can be a little bit more lax if you do hierarchical, if you don't do hierarchical, that's a different story.
But, yeah, I think it's really a life choice. Right. That's who you're spending the rest of your life with, in theory. And it's more important than a job than a house than everything. Right. Those things you can change. But once you're entangled in, in a deep relationship, it's, it's tough.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
It sounds like the members that you tend to attract for your matchmaking services are more of the mindset of readiness. They are ready to find their partner or partners, whatever they're seeking and they're not wanting to DD about it. Like, compared to more people who approach dating with this Laissez Faire attitude of, like, sure, I
guess I'll go get dinner with this person. Like your people are more so on a mission and it sounds like when they're more intentional that way they end up getting results. Yeah.
Daniella Guimaraes
My clients currently are mostly monogamous. So they want a very strong part, primary partner. they only want one true life partner. You know, what they want is to have adventures with their partner. They want, you know, occasionally when they're traveling on a business trip to have some freedom, but they, most of them right now do want a strong, strong, primary relationship. And let's keep in mind these aren't men that have trouble finding women. These are, you know, the
kindest, most handsome men out there. Their issue is finding the right woman. You know, let's say we hang out on a weekend, we're having a friends and family dinner and party. There's thousands of women around every month. Like the, it's the right one. They're just not settling for what's not exactly what they want. So they are on that mission. They're willing to go on as many dates as it takes and do whatever it takes to meet that one person.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Yeah, I love that. So making sure that you're dedicated to the process is probably a lot more important than how people are approaching dating normally. And I wonder, especially since you provide that coaching like as that add on service or, or even just separately. I'm wondering if they even see even better results because they're kind of like learning about the dating process and what to do and what to look out for with your help rather
than OK, I'll just answer these questions. Hope I get matched. They're really learning about what it is like. Is that right? Or like, what's the coaching process just like?
Daniella Guimaraes
So it depends on the client. There are some clients that are great human beings, but they're, you know, socially awkward or you know, they just haven't dated in a long time because they've been focused on their career for the past 25 years and that's all they've done. So they, some of them, you know, haven't really gone on a date in a decade and so those people I'll probably assign, you know, someone like you, a relationship coach or, the psychologist to really work with them, one on
one to get them where they need to be and to understand what they want. Some of them are like, I want this but they don't really know what they want. so some of the cases I'll assign them a 1 to 1 professional that'll work, be working with them and then others, it's more just what do you dress on the first date? What is, or some of the women like, oh, when do you say this is not what I want?
That's a very big one, right? When to say, oh, I have a lot of chemistry and, but that's not really what I want for the rest of my life. So I think there's a very big difference between some of these clients, but in general, I think it's, it's very helpful to everyone to have an outside perspective looking in for sure.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
And so I know you mentioned that a majority of people you work with are monogamous. But I think if I'm correct, like looking at your website, you're, you're really accepting kind of all variations of non monogamy seeking people. So what, what are the different types of non monogamy relationships that you help people match up with?
Daniella Guimaraes
Absolutely. So we are membership based. We don't take on everyone who wants to be a client or everyone that wants to be on a free tier. So there's a distinction first, our paid clients get matches for sure. We work actively on their behalf, our free tier, we don't actively search on your behalf. But if you get matched with someone that is a paying client, you know, there's no charge to you.
The difference in relationship styles are monogamous, open and poly. And of course, there's different words and definitions in between those, but it's a, it's a spectrum and we work with couples as well. So if there's a couple looking for, you know, a long term emotional relationship with, you know, another third or a couple and they want it to be more casual, they actually want it to be a thru we do all of that. I think the biggest impact here is knowing how much liberty somebody
wants and how much liberty they can tolerate their partner having. Because if the openness level isn't matched, it's painful. And I don't, I don't think that very changeable. I think people kind of are where they are and, you know, maybe with a lot of work, someone can be more or less open. But I think to, to kind of find a partner to meet them where they are naturally at is very important, independent of where that is on the spectrum.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
I'm so glad you're mentioning that, like, the importance of making sure you're aligned in what you're seeking and recognizing really what your needs are. And if that may be different than your partner's needs. OK. How are we going to navigate that? Like, is that something that we can tackle and be able to try to find some sort of? I, I don't want to say compromise, but negotiation because compromise really means like you're giving up something, but negotiation means we're
trying to tend to both the needs. And I'm kind of curious in, in your world, do you tend to get a lot of people new to the world of non monogamy, like newbies or are they people who are more experienced? Like what is the typical kind of people you see or do you accept all kinds of styles of beginner, intermediate advanced?
Daniella Guimaraes
Yeah. So I definitely take everyone from never experienced non monogamy, wanna try it out to am definitely somewhere on the spectrum of non monogamy. And I want to exercise that. I think that people just the willingness, I think if you're curious enough about non monogamy, if you're willing to try that, I think that means a lot independent of your experience in the world because each relationship is different and just because you've been in 10 previous non monogamous
relationships doesn't really mean you're gonna know how to navigate the next. They are completely different issues that arise and, and throughout time in one non monogamous relationship, the different, the issues that arise over, you know, a 10 year relationship are completely different than the beginning, middle and end. So I don't know that I give that much importance to that.
What I do always emphasize is being functionally matched And the negotiation that you mentioned is between, you know, let's say my libido is very, very high and my partner's libido is, you know, medium, I define this in a few categories. You know, do you like to play a few times a day? Do you like to play once a day? once a week for like, II, I give actual numbers because I think that's a lot easier for people to say than low, medium and high.
But if you have a really high libido and your partner does it, nobody wants to be pushed for more consistently, but also nobody wants to be consistently rejected. It's really painful on both sides. And I don't think that needs to be found to compromise. I think the negotiation now turns to how open are you? Right? Can I get my needs met elsewhere? Does that cause you a level one threat or does that cause you excruciating pain? And I don't know, I think most people, not everyone, of
course, but most people experience some level of a discomfort or pain with their partner being out on another date, it's natural to, to face these feelings. It's just how do you navigate them and how much discomfort or pain does it cause? So, I think you can compensate one thing with another. It doesn't have to be perfectly matched, but it has to be functionally matched.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Yeah, I'm really glad you're bringing that up because first what you were saying about it doesn't really matter like how long you've been in the relationship, there's going to be different issues at different points in time. And so really, that's unique to every relationship's experience. So I think that holds a lot of weight in being able to approach those issues in a very healthy way.
This idea of being functionally matched. Do you see that becoming a really big issue when you're having maybe people who are more new to the idea of ethical, no monogamy. Do you see a lot of mismatches functionally? And what happens when that comes about?
Daniella Guimaraes
I do, I do because, you know, people don't walk in to non monogamy sometimes realizing how different monogamous is from polyamory, for example, especially when you're doing non hierarchical polyamory, you know, non hierarchical for someone who just needs a primary is, you know, I speak for myself here. You know, I'm somewhere between monogamous and open and I can't imagine polyamory for myself.
It's beautiful to see kitchen table polyamory. I have many friends that do it and I really admire those people, but it's not for everyone the same way. Monogamy isn't. So, I think just having that distinction and kind of imagining what problems you would face in advance really makes the difference. So you have to be truthful to yourselves and, and asking questions really helps. Right. So if you're sitting with a coach or if you're sitting with me and I'm asking questions about
what type of relationship you're looking for. I'll tend to ask the right questions. So even if you don't know coming in what your level is and what you want and what would be a, a match for you, we can kind of get that out of you with the right questions and a conversation even can, can help clarify that.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
I think you're hitting on a really important point and one the being honest and open with yourself. And I think a lot of times what I see where it gets kind of, you know, in this dark twisted place of people approaching ethical, non monogamy is, people aren't asking those harder questions and they tend to run away and avoid and then it turns out to be, you know, coming into like a basically a big blow up because you're not addressing those things that are really important that are
crucial that really are, can be a make or break idea in a relationship. So I'm glad that you're stressing so much importance about that and like you're also helping people get there if they're struggling to do that on their own. That's really, really cool that they have you as the support to do that.
Daniella Guimaraes
Yeah, it's also just really fun seeing people discover themselves.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Yeah, when you think about like this, this can be like a really big discovery process, right? Especially if they're coming from a monogamous mindset. If they're coming from maybe a family that doesn't allow sexual exploration or emotional exploration of other romantic relationships outside of a primary if that's your style. And so it can be really beautiful to see someone live fully authentically themselves in their own identity.
Daniella Guimaraes
It's truly liberating. I think it's very unique. The feeling is very, very unique, especially if you've been, you know, an adult for a while and this is, you're just now discovering this exists, like just it's, wow, it's, it's truly mind blowing. One of the things that I think super helps for people coming in from, you know, a conservative background is vocabulary, just having words for things.
So I was having a conversation the other day with Brett from open love. They're the nonprofit, they're like the leading nonprofit in the, in the non monogamy space we were talking, there's no, there's a lot of prejudice still, right? If you, especially if you come from, from conservative background, it's the, the study shows if I'm not mistaken that there are more people that identify as non monogamous than people that identify as queer.
But how many people do you know that are gay by whatever it is on the spectrum versus how many people do you know that are openly non, non monogamous? And you know, the struggle is real for, for the queer community to this day. I don't wanna in any way, make that smaller, but it just shows that, you know, this is, I like to say non monogamy is the new gay in a way.
And I'm a bisexual female. So I, I understand the prejudice faced by females by, by queer. I understand these things. And it was just really surprising to see the backlash that I've been getting for having a non monogamous business. And it mostly surprisingly to me comes from women like, oh, you're ruining the monogamy. There's no more relationships like I want and it's your fault.
I think. So. Just having vocabulary to identify, hey, this is fear of non monogamy or just having these. There's actually not a coin term out there yet, like end moia, but the community doesn't really appreciate the enm anymore, I think because it's not always ethical. So I think we've been landing on somewhere around like consensual non monogamy, but just having words to identify the fear that people face or the, you know, the backlash or just the pain, you know, like we have the
pleasure of your partner having pleasure. Right. That's a word that exists out there, but we don't have the pain of your partner experiencing. You know, I think just having more vocabulary words in the space to identify feelings and, and things like that could be super helpful for, for those, especially coming with a, you know, more closed off background.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
There's so much there that you just said that I wanna dive into on like 5 million different layers. One thing that I'm guilty of and I'm so glad you're enlightening me of is so originally, when I first started working with this population, I started out using consensual non monogamy. And I've actually geared and started leaning more on heavily the ethical, non monogamy. And so you're actually teaching me a lot right now.
Daniella Guimaraes, Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Can you maybe go into why do you prefer the ethical?
Daniella Guimaraes
I just, I actually prefer the ethical just because it has a vowel in the middle. And I think it looks better. I'm a highly aesthetic person.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
I don't, I don't know if I ever thought about it in aesthetics or I, I thought, I think mainly the way I started using ethical is because it seemed like that was the more popularized term and that people were more aware of that compared to CNM, consensual, non monogamy. And so really like even just like basic Google searches, if you kind of look at the traffic, ethical tends to be that higher one that people are like gravitating to and, and looking up.
Daniella Guimaraes, Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
So, yeah, that, that was kind of interesting learning about how maybe the community is more gearing away towards ethical rather than, yeah, I think it's still very in the beginning of the change but I have heard, conversations here and there, like, oh, we should, you know, think about starting, stopping to use that and I still do use it but, I'm keeping an ear out and seeing what the consensus is on that.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Yeah. And then going back to hearing about those statistics of, wow, OK. I, you know, I was kind of shocked to hear like it sounds like when we think about it, if we see that even more people are, are identifying as part of this more non monogamous community rather than, you know, some under the queer umbrella. And we're not really giving light, we're not really giving a space for people to be able to talk about that. You know, we, we tend to shame things that don't feel comfortable to
us. And so, and a lot of what I see is more that you stay over there, you do that thing behind closed doors, right? Sort of like how we, we have done to other, you know, marginalized folks in the past. And so with you saying like, OK, if there's that statistic out there where there's actually a good amount of a population that falls under this umbrella of non monogamy. They're still not being seen.
Daniella Guimaraes
How many celebrities can you, you, can you, like, mention off the top of your mind that are open, Jad and Will Smith?
Daniella Guimaraes, Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Let's start with that one that everybody willow.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Their daughter has been openly about that from what little media I've noticed, it seems like Nick Cannon is wanting to fall under that umbrella, but I haven't myself done my research and what that means for him. So, off the top of my head, I'm kind of thinking that, but isn't that insane?
Daniella Guimaraes
Yeah, the statistics showed, if I'm not mistaken, it was about 25 would consider some form of non monogamy. A quarter of the population, 25%. Not that they have been in a non monogamous relationship or they're currently in one but 25% a quarter of the population would consider some form of non monogamy.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
And here we are shaming a quarter of the population.
Daniella Guimaraes
It's a nationally represented survey. So it wasn't like a small localized biased. It was a pretty well done.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Not just Oregon.
Daniella Guimaraes
Yeah, I know.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Wow. I'm so glad we're having this conversation. and, and I want to get more into like, learning about the, the research and statistics because I think that helps people maybe make more sense or kind of like, help them clear the clouds of their assumptions about different populations and hopefully gain or understanding, you know, going back to the matchmaking service. I kind of want to talk about how you're able to maybe screen people who are actually serious about taking the
dating seriously. Right. Because you get people on dating apps who are more of that Laissez Faire, not really serious about it. So, are there certain like questions or certain things that you go about in your process to make sure and screen people who were really in this for the long haul and intentional and wanting to get results rather than I'll take it or leave it or I guess I'll approach this in a way.
Daniella Guimaraes
So, yeah, I think the biggest clue initially before we even, you know, diving into the questions is how much thought they seem to have given it, right? Someone's really looking for a relationship, they've thought, do I want to live in the same house? Do I wanna have, you know, a family house and then, you know, how much time do I wanna spend with this person?
What do I want my, you know? So I think most people that are really, really ready have given it some thought. And then some of the questions I ask are exactly that. How much time would you like to spend with this person in the first month and then 3 to 6 months, six months to a year. Are you looking to have babies? How fast are you looking to have babies?
Because there's a really big difference between someone I want to have babies by the end of the year and then someone I'm open to babies in 6 to 10 years. Right. So, and, you know, I'm not in any way saying that having Children is a, is a obligatory or important part to say you are committed. I personally don't want Children. So that's not where I'm getting at at all.
It's just, it's really one of the easiest ways to identify, right? If somebody is wanting to have a baby within the next six months, you know, they're serious. And then other questions I ask are, what, what do you see the relationship looking like? Like what are your deal breakers? What is something that's very important to you? If they've given that some thought?
And it's like if they answer, oh, I want them to be, if a female answer, I want them to be 6 ft four tan skin, blue eyes and like all of the answer is physical, I'm like, are you really just looking for, are you really looking for a real relationship? And the same thing with men, right? If I want a super top model and that's all they respond. They haven't responded to, you know, community oriented kind, intelligent career focused or not.
You know, if they haven't like mentioned any of these thousands of important things in a relationship, you know, it's a bit of a red flag, but also the paying clients, I don't know that these clients would be investing so much of their time and money into a process if they weren't ready.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
I'm glad you go about challenging, like where, where they are, like, in their level of seriousness because I'm guilty of watching some matchmaking TV shows. So Indian matchmaking, I think there was Jewish matchmaking too and I noticed that a lot of the clients did put an emphasis on, attraction and looks. And I'm sitting here thinking, you know, you're going to get wrinkles like there's only so much Botox that you can put into your skin.
And so, eventually the looks are going to run out and you're going to be stuck with someone. So you want to make sure you're stuck with someone who you enjoy spending time with who you love, who you can see that lifetime with. So I'm really glad that you go about that in a way to make sure that they're in the right headspace to approach this.
Daniella Guimaraes
Yeah. And I'm also willing to say no, that I'm unfortunately unable to take you on as a client because I see that they're so focused on beauty that in, you know, 20 years when his partner starts having some wrinkles, they might just drop her for someone younger and that's not really the type of person I want to deal with.
I want to deal with someone who's truly looking for a life partner and, you know, things might not turn out that way, you know, stuff happens. I understand that, but somebody who's not readily to, you know, just ready to drop someone as soon as they see trophy or forehead wrinkles.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
I'm wondering if you might be able to share like some success stories either in your coaching or matchmaking to kind of give listeners like this hope and an idea of, you know, what could happen in a matchmaking process.
Daniella Guimaraes
Sure. I'm not able to share too much information, because I don't wanna even, you know, the friends group might be able to identify people and I'd rather, keep things private, but I'll share two quick stories with you. There was one couple, they traveled a lot, had the male and the couple just worked a lot and she was feeling lonely and wanted, you know, a partner, another, you know, life partner to be there beside her while he was gone so much.
And also just to travel with them together and being in a group of people that wasn't so open, they, you know, they could find these events that are open to the public to go to and just, but it turns out a lot of people they met were just interested in, you know, having a nice trip or for there for the excitement, let's say, rather than really want taking advantage.
Well, it's not only taking advantage. Right. But it's not serious. Right. Like it's to date a couple. It's, it's not easy to find someone that will date a couple. Seriously, because that person has to have very specific needs. Ideally, that person could be very focused on their career that they're not ready to get married yet. Right. So, if I'm trying to match someone with a couple that's ready to get married, I'm hurting the person that I'm matching.
They would find people there for the excitement and there for a few months and not someone there for five years, 10 years to really be a part of their life. But without compromising what that person wanted as well, because that's not what we want. And I was able to find someone who had no interest in a fully committed relationship yet, but did want a deep emotional connection.
So that's been going on. It hasn't been too long now, but it's been going amazing and everyone seems to have, you know, negotiated what they wanted without having to compromise. And it's just beautiful.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
I love that. You know, it's, it's really magical when these needs line up. It, it really just like kind of clicks all together and makes sense and that's not to say that there will be speed bumps along the way because every relationship has that. But I don't think they'll run into as many issues as, as people just kind of like trying to basically fit a square into a round hole because it just doesn't fit. So that's really beautiful. I'm so glad you shared that.
Daniella Guimaraes
Yeah. And I'll tell you about one of my little more unusual matches. I had someone who was recently non monogamous and just was alone in the monogamy world. Like, they didn't just want to find a partner, they wanted to find community. So they came to me, it's like, can you match me with community or do you just do 1 to 1 matching? And there are so many different types of communities, right?
You can go to 10 different communities and be like, oh this is OK, but it's not my tribe. Especially because these tribes are very much divided in how open you are. That was just a one, a really, really fun story as well. Just someone who's brand new into the life of, of non monogamy and now every week and they're texting me like, oh, do you want to go to this play party? I felt like and just their circle has expanded so much and it's just kind of like pop somebody's mind open.
So I do love to do the one on one matches where it ends up in, you know, marriage or whatever the dynamic that they were looking for. But there's some really special, unique stories as well as couples and just like finding community and blowing somebody's world open that are very special to me.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
How freaking cool I love that. And I, I would definitely see that as something very, very special because it's something that it's needed more. You know, a lot of times these communities are, may be hidden in the shadows for fear of backlash for whatever reason, you know, someone's job finding out or family finding out and so that
can get really lonely. So I'm loving that you're able to give like this sense of belonging and community to people really needing that kind of support. That's so beautiful.
Daniella Guimaraes
Yeah, that's, that's one of the great things about having the community that I do, you know, I kind of have the key to several different ones. So my clients don't only get matched, they, they're able to meet, you know, they'd be dropped in the center of these communities and be taken care of by my friends. And I think that's a very important part just having community to talk about the problems you're facing and to talk about, you know, the happy
moments you you've encountered, I think that's a big part of matchmaking as well is just being able to provide the support around that relationship that's formed as well.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Yeah, for sure, for sure. I know we've kind of covered like some examples of like how you screen what types of relationships you accept. Is there anything else that we haven't covered that your services offer? Like, can you tell us anything else about your services so that people really understand your business?
Daniella Guimaraes
I think if I were to recap or just summarize how we work? We work very similarly to traditional matchmakers, but we take a deeper dive into sexual interests, which I think is very, you know, how much intimacy does somebody want in and out of bed? Right. Do you prefer to play with deep a eye gazing the entire time or you just someone who likes to go into their mind?
So I think we identify, we give importance to the sexual part of a, a relationship as well that I think a lot of matchmakers just don't. And you know, because it's non monogamy, we have a lot of different things we have to think about. So the questions are certainly different than we asked in other monogamous matchmakers. But I think the co overall concept is very similar and one thing that I'm very much looking forward to, we haven't launched it yet, but I am of course, doing serious
partnered relationships. But on the theme that dating apps don't work, I will be launching hopefully sometime mid next year, a casual dating matchmaking. So it's someone that you want to date casually, you're not ready to settle down, but you want something long term ongoing. You're just very clear that you don't want to get married right now. So, and I'm matching you.
So again, you're matching with someone that has the same sexual interest. Like I'm asking even about what do you like in bed ahead of time? To know that you're a match, but for casual. So I'm super excited about that. It's also, I've never heard of anybody doing it before. I quite like being the first at things. So I'm super excited about that.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Yeah, that's really cool. I think that's something that's really needed because there's many people out there who may not be one ready for a commitment may not have that time for a commitment of something, you know, on the more serious end, but still wants that kind of connection and gets satisfied with it in a casual sense. And I kind of think of people who are in like really intensive school situations or work trainings, you know, for 5 to 10 years at a time and they likely don't
have time to commit you and be intentional about a romantic relationship. And so I can definitely see that. I mean, I, I can imagine so many clients already for you who would definitely gravitate to that app.
Daniella Guimaraes
Yeah, you can be intentionally casual just as well as you can be intentionally uncommitted.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Very cool. So we're winding down to the end of our time together. Wanna go over. Is there anything else that you think is really important for listeners to know about you or know about your business about the ties?
Daniella Guimaraes
I did mention we're a membership based organization. I just do want to clarify that we don't deny any applicants based on race or appearance or sexual orientation and we do not discriminate in any shape or form. We do accept members that are, we feel like we're most likely to be a success for them. So it's about how capable we are in serving you in a five star service then about you as who you are. So I just wanted to make that clear.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Yeah, making sure that you're able to provide them with results. I mean, that sounds like a good business model to me like, right? Rather than taking on people just taking their money and not really giving them a service. Absolutely. Yeah. Very cool. Where can people find you?
Daniella Guimaraes
We have a website. It is www dot velvet ties dot com. So two words like the two Ts do exist, we don't eat one of those up. So Velvet ties dot com feel we can find our email there, there's a submission form. We host events in New York City and Miami. So you can just apply to join one of those without any commitment. Just see what we're about, have a chat. We're pretty easy to contact. You can really find me anytime anywhere.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
Awesome. Well, listeners, I hope you got a lot out of this episode on how the world is really changing on approaching non monogamous relationships. So thank you so much for allowing me to take up your time today. Daniella. I had a blast talking with you.
Daniella Guimaraes
Oh, thank you so much. I it was so great, so great to get me thinking too on the questions, right? Thank you so much.
Paige Bond, Open Marriage Coach
All right listeners, be sure to check out the show notes. We will have all of those links mentioned so that you can go check out Daniella's World and see if you wanna get on their blog. There's actually some really great information on there that she's been putting out just for free for you guys to learn about non
monogamous relationships. And then, if you want, go ahead, sign up, apply and see if you might be able to be matched with your dream relationship. Until next time. Thank you, Paige.
