Escaping the Pleasing Prison: Unleashing Inner Strength and Finding Wholeness
Summary
Ilaria shares her own experience with toxic relationships and emphasizes the importance of inner child healing and self-awareness in overcoming codependency.
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In this episode, you’ll learn:
All about people-pleasing and doing the necessary work to heal
What trauma bonding is
How you can listen to emotions and use triggers as opportunities for growth.
Why it’s important to set boundaries, calm your nervous system, and seek support.
Ilaria Petrucci is a qualified Fitness and Trauma-informed Coach who specializes in helping women overcome emotional eating and achieve their fitness goals without falling back into old habits.
Having struggled with emotional eating for years, Ilaria perfectly understands the frustration and root causes of these cycles and is so passionate to help women break FREE from this, build deep confidence, achieve their fitness goals and finally feel good in their skin.
Noteworthy quotes from this episode:
“Inner child healing is very simply just reconnecting with your emotions to be with your emotions rather than engaging in behavior such as fixing someone else or rescuing a situation that we people-pleasers do. Or overeating or over drinking or overspending like any of this outside behavior that helps us escape ourselves.”
“But one of the most important things is that emotions want to move. So whenever you feel like you have a strong emotional reaction and your nervous system is activated, just move around."
Connect with Ilaria Petrucci
Instagram handle: @ilariapetrucci_coaching
Facebook Group link: STOP PLEASING, START LIVING: www.facebook.com/groups/stoppleasingstartliving/
Freebie: www.subscribepage.io/emotional-eating-freebie
Connect with Paige Bond
Instagram: @paigebondcoaching
Facebook: @paigebondcoaching
Website: www.paigebond.com
Paige Bond hosts the Stubborn Love podcast, is a Licensed Marriage Therapist, and is a Polyamory Relationship Coach. Her mission is to help people-pleasing millennials navigate non-monogamy so they can tame their jealousy and love with ease. Her own journey from feeling lonely, insecure, and jealous to feeling empowered and reassured is what fuels her passion to help other people-pleasers to conquer jealousy and embrace love.
Free Jealousy Workbook:
http://www.paigebond.com/calm-the-chaos-jealousy-workbook-download
Free People Pleasing Workbook:
https://www.paigebond.com/people-pleasing-workbook
Disclaimer: This podcast and communication through our email are not meant to serve as professional advice or therapy. If you are in need of mental health support, you are encouraged to connect with a licensed mental health professional to receive the support needed.
Mental Health Resources:National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling.
Intro music by Coma-Media on pixabay.com
Transcript
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Welcome back to Stubborn Love. I'm your host, Paige Bond. And I feel like I say this on every episode, but I'm just super excited for every single guest I have. And this one almost even more so because we have a lot of shared people that we work with in terms of the types of things going on in our clients lives. So I wanna introduce you to Ilaria and she's an N LP master coach, trauma informed coach who has even studied under mate.
And she specializes in helping people pleasers reconnecting with themselves so they can stop entertaining toxic relationships, which is such a relief to hear that we have, you know, so many people helping with this particular topic because I think there's so many of us who try to do so much to make other people happy. And then we kind of get lost within our own selves about our own needs.
So I am super excited that we have you on the show today, Elodia. And before we dive into this whole beautiful topic that we could spend hours talking about. Can you just introduce yourself to listeners and tell them a little bit about your story to where you got today.
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
Sure. Well, first of all, hello, I'm so excited to be here and to have this conversation. So, my story. Oh my God. So I've, my people please are very well formed in recovery and forever will be. And I have just found myself over the years in toxic relationship, particularly with narcissists because that's the, I say sometimes that the joke is like match made in heaven, right?
The people pleaser who gives herself or himself up completely at the service of others and the narcissist who is completely self absorbed and just think about themselves and everything is focused back on them. So in that sense, that's why we are just really attract each other so well. And as a result of these relationships, I just been in a lot of pain, emotional pain that I think only somebody and luckily in a way, only somebody who has been through this type of relationships can
really understand and empathize with and know what I'm talking about for me, they have been the most transformative and transformational experiences of my life. And the way the reason why I'm so passionate about helping other people is because focusing on why they behave the way they behave or why they do the things that they do only helped me with my awareness up to a certain point.
My, my turning point was when I actually told myself Hold on, hold on one second. I am in a toxic relationship. I cannot be unless I contribute to this toxicity in one way or another. So it's only when I actually took accountability of my own part that I was playing in this relationship to even exist in the first place. And I actually started to change and work on myself and then take the hard decisions and look into trauma bonding and understand my own dynamics.
And this whole world opened up in front of me, which was really painful to go through, but also extremely freeing to actually explore and and find yourself at the other end of it. Really?
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah. Yeah. What an amazing story. And I, I love how it's, it's clear that you've done your own work and saw that you realize that you don't get in situations and things just happen to you. You don't look at this as like a victim mindset and I'm being, you know, manipulated by this narcissist, you kind of like looked at yourself and said, wait a second, what am I doing to contribute to this dynamic that is keeping me in unhealthy toxic relationships. Yes.
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
Which part of me is saying this is OK, this is OK to tolerate, this is OK to accept. This is what I deserve because I feel like then when I started looking into narcissism and trying to understand the dynamics and everything I I and still to today I find so much content online focused on them like the na why do they do this? Why did they behave this way? Eight ways the narcissist manipulates you, which I think is great for awareness.
But if we're looking at healing, which is what we ultimately want, because we want to be able to break that trauma bond and free ourselves from the toxicity is to look at yourself. So absolutely getting out of the victim mode and pointing the finger at them and actually taking accountability for ourselves. What am I doing? Why, why this, why is this is OK when you know that it isn't right.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Right. I love that. And so that, that's almost like a sense of like you getting to empower yourself and like put yourself on a new path, a new direction to whatever healthy relationship there is. Now you mentioned something twice. You've mentioned the phrase trauma bonding and I'm wondering if you could kind of go into what is trauma bonding? And what does that look like to our listeners who might not be familiar with that?
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
Yeah. One of the most shocking definitions and phrases that I have read on trauma bonding is the person that breaks me is the same person that can fix me. And I was like that. Yes, this is, this is it. So, you know, we can talk about trauma bonding for for a long while. But essentially this is what it is is you break me because of the emotional abuse, the confusion, the gas lighting and all of that.
But also I have this dynamic within myself that you're also the only person that can fix me because through the release of me fixing your emotion and this is where the codependency within the comes in by me fixing you, I fix myself because by me fixing you and the situation and once you're ok, then I can be ok, which is ultimately the definition of codependency, I can only be ok if you're ok.
Hm. But actually, and again, this was another breakthrough for me to realize that I can be ok even if we aren't, I can be ok, even if you are not, even if you have a problem with me. and ultimately breaking the trauma bomb is very difficult, but it, it's possible, you know, it's possible you, you just have to keep doing the work like I was in therapy for 2.5 years at the time that I was in, in the toxic relationship.
And, you know, first you start the therapy trying to fix yourself so that you can fix the relationship. So the intent is completely in the wrong place. And then eventually you realize I can't fix something on my own when there is two people involved. And so that's what the real work really called.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
It's so funny that you kind of mention it that way how a lot of times people who identify as people pleasers, we kind of land in therapy because we think we are the problem in the relationship. And so we're like, all right, well, I must be doing something wrong. Let me fix whatever is wrong with me to make this other person happy. And you kind of said that come to find out it's not about you fixing yourself to make the relationship work like two people need to do fixing if a relationship is
going to work in that kind of dynamic. So, oh wow. when people land in kind of finding that they're pouring themselves into a relationship that they're not getting the other person's help with actually working on trying to fix things. Is, is that kind of where that dynamic happens of like the switch for people is like, oh, ok. Well, if they're not going to be doing any of this help with me, then XYZ needs to happen. Is that what is going on?
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
I think from my personal experience and from other people that I've, I've, you know, worked with and spoken with it. Can I think exhaustion is a big, you know, you get yourself to such a low place. It is such a dark place that you've never been before and you realize that I'm exhausted to try and try and try and I am on my own and, and you just realize that this person he's not meeting, you halfway, it's just taking, taking, taking what you're giving and then you've got nothing left to
give and you, and then also, for me, it was the realization that there is not even a point anymore to actually tell you what I think or how I feel. And then there's another thing that really popped in my mind at one stage. I was like, I cannot exist with you. I cannot because if I do something is a problem. If I don't do it, it's a problem. If I react to something that you do, my reaction is a problem. It is like there is no winning.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
You can't do anything, right?
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
No, you can't do anything, right? And so when you realize that there is no winning, you just start to think there must be another way that, and like you said, you go to therapy because you feel like, oh, maybe I'm doing something wrong. Like the times that I told my therapist, maybe I'm a narcissist.
Am I the? And, and I remember once she said with the very fact that you are here trying to fix this and that tells me that you aren't so that enters your mind, like, because we are so used to making it about ourselves. Is it me? Is it my fault? And then Yeah. Yeah.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah. There's a lot of self doubt. Like I even remember in my own past relationships where I've struggled with this, I was diving into like reading a different book every single week on attachment styles. I was trying to figure out what I was doing wrong in my relationship to cause my partner to react this way. And then it finally clicked for me and it was like, oh, it's not me.
I don't cause my partner to react, they react based on their own stuff based on, based on either their past experiences, their past trauma. And I, I may be reminding them of that, but I'm not causing that reaction. Absolutely. I, I have like a question for you when you think of like how people pleasing in this like codependent or trauma bonding type of dynamic shows up for us in relationships.
Do you see a pattern of like how it gets formed? Like is there something that happens in childhood or past relationships that cause us to have this mindset that we're the problem and we have to fix ourselves for other people?
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
Yeah, I mean, it all starts in childhood, right? I always said that and even more so after my trauma training, everything starts in childhood. And in fact, the the toxic relationship is almost is not so much traumatic, but as much as it being a re traumatization of what we already have within ourselves. And I know you mentioned, you know, my mentor, the person I studied with Gabor Mata, which is incredible teacher and one of the things that he said that also was a massive
breakthrough moment for me. And actually, it was really difficult to accept that that was what it was. He said what he says that when you get together with someone in a relationship and in a toxic relationship, you're both at the same level of traumatization. So let's think for a moment like and then I thought, am I at the same level of traumatization as he hears?
Does it mean that I'm also toxic? And that's following, that was the break of like, OK, what part of me is contributing to this? Wow. But going back to your question, yes, in childhood. So people pleasing as per definition is a trauma response to fear and it is a coping mechanism that we develop in order to stay attached to our caregivers, my parents or whoever is looking after us are a parenting figure.
And so if we go into people pleasing that the simple decision that we, that we make is in order for me to stay connected to you, I have to please you, I have to become who you want me to be. This is the behavior that we basically just bring forth into adulthood, which is extremely attractive to a narcissist that just wants you to be whoever they want them to be.
Yeah, they want to be right. And that's the behavior we give ourselves up in order to please. That's why inner child healing when it comes to traumatic, you know, traumatic events or toxic relationships is very important because ultimately, in a toxic relationship, there is an inner girl and an inner boy. There are communi well, trying to communicate or trying to be together is not an adult woman, emotionally mature woman, an emotionally mature man.
So this is what you have to kind of embrace and accept that you have to heal your inner child. And you have to look into what particularly in your story in your childhood made you come to the conclusion that you have to abandon yourself in order to stay connected, which ultimately is survival in childhood, right? Because if we're not connected, we ultimately die. So. Right.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah, I, I remember a lot of clients that I work with talking about. you know, we kind of talk what their experience is like growing up and they'll say something like, yeah, I, I didn't really, you know, I was a really good kid. My parents never had a problem with me. And, and we kind of talk about, oh, you know, could you talk to them when you were upset?
Were you able to were you able to communicate, you know, really difficult emotions and how did your parents respond to that? And then they talk about? No, no, no, no, no. I was a good kid. We didn't talk about that stuff because I didn't want to rock the boat and I would assume that's something that you also see a lot in your clientele as well.
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
Yes, absolutely. I didn't want to rock the bow. I had to, I had someone recently that said I had to get it. Right. Hm. to get it right. It has to be perfect. That's what the perfectionism come from as well. I had to be quiet or I had to get it right. And this is part of my story as well. I had to get it right because the consequences of not getting it right was an anger outburst from my dad, for example.
So you just learn to really be quiet, be actually to not be just cancel yourself out. And that's why we lose ourselves in relationship because we are already lost. We, we lost ourselves the moment we learned how to please.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
You kind of, I'm sorry, go ahead.
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
I was like I just saying, you kind of both. You can't please everyone and have a strong, you know, be grounded in a strong sense of self.
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach, Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
You have got it kind of like face that in your adult life and make your choices, you're gonna end up disagreeing with people in this world.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
And that is ok because that is exactly what makes us who we are. That's how we get to have opinions about things, that's what makes up our personality. These are very unique things that can be seen as strengths rather than weaknesses as in people pleasing. You, you mentioned that like the, the main thing that to, to really get through this coming back to yourself and healing the part of us that like entertains these toxic relationships with people pleasing is that we need to do
inner child work, inner child healing. And when I hear you say that I can, I can hear some listeners saying like, what the heck is inner child healing? Like, you know, my, I'm not a child anymore. I'm an adult. So can you kind of walk us through what inner child healing is and maybe what it looks like what the experience would be like?
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
Yes. So first of all, how to understand what is, how does your inner child shows up in your life? So think about the last time that you felt triggered and that you reacted in a in, in a, in an outburst of emotions. So that would be like, that's like an, you know, an inner, like your inner child being present. Like maybe you get angry or you, you get stroppy with someone or you can't handle a situation.
And inner child healing is very simply just reconnecting with your emotion. Hm. And be with your emotions rather than engaging in behavior such as fixing someone else or rescuing a situation that we, that we people please or do or overeating or over drinking or overspending like any of this outside behavior that help you escape ourselves.
So inner child is basically listen to your emotions when they show up whether there is anxiety or anger or especially when your trigger, like triggers are a great opportunity to heal because a trigger is like something literally knock on your door and going hi, something is ready to be healed. Are you up for the challenge or are you gonna let it sleep? And the thing is until we actually heal it, it never go away. We keep knocking, it will keep showing up in your life.
Maybe in one relationship, maybe at work, maybe in friendships in one way or another, it will show up. And the only way to heal is to be with those emotions because emotions wants to be felt. They don't want to be, you know, depressed and you know, and then we get depressed because we are not in touch with ourselves. And ultimately that what trauma is, is that this connection to our.
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach, Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
So, yeah.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah. I, I loved how you explained that really these reactions when we are triggered is more so an opportunity for us to start that healing process rather than this big scary monster that we should run away from.
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach, Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
I love how you frame that because running away is running away from yourself.
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
There is something within you that is triggered. So that's a great opportunity to grow, you know, because if we don't grow, what are we even doing? You know, like you said before about having different opinions. Imagine everyone always agreed with you. What a boring life. How would you, yeah. How would you even grow and expand your views or, you know, strengthen your views or whatever?
Which doesn't mean you have to agree to it with everyone. But it's good to consider how everybody comes from a different perspective and then you can, what you can embrace that perspective or leave it.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
But, yeah, yeah, something else I wanted to ask was, you know, I can really imagine for the person who was used to stuffing down their emotions running away from these triggers and not really accessing this part of themselves to heal. I can imagine starting that process. Seems like a very scary thing that can feel like overwhelming.
Like, can I even do this? How do I start? So like, what would you recommend as the first steps of someone like who isn't used to looking at themselves and being introspective? But who is interested in healing but also very scared and sensitive? What are those first steps to actually get in the arena and start that work?
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
Yeah, I would say first of all, we're all on the same boat, you know, we might be on different path or different journeys, but we're all the same, you know, we all face the same things or very similar things. So looking at yourself is very hard because you've got to be super humble you got, you have to put the ego to sleep and just really honestly brutally, honestly look at yourself.
So we'll say the first thing to do is like, just ask yourself, do do I feel resentful towards anyone in my life? That's a good place, especially for people pleaser. Because when, where wherever you're resentful, there is a boundary that has been broken or there has been no respected that you haven't stepped up for or like re you know, reestablish you feel wrong.
Yeah, that so looking at it more resentful towards anyone or anything in my life. So that's a good place and just be completely honest. Where, where are you not speaking your truth or are you saying yes to that? Really? You know that inside of you is a no and just begin very slowly to get comfortable in that discomfort rather than ignore it or running away or you know, have a piece of cake on it or drink on it or something, just distract yourself on Netflix, you know, just think about it,
but just with compassion, just be with whatever there is within you because emotions are a great indicator of where you need to do the work. So what are your, what another thing that you can ask yourself is how do I feel on a regular basis? Pieces that I no longer want to feel anymore? Like maybe you are walking around angry and you find yourself napping at people that have done nothing to you and you know that it's not about them, but somehow they're just getting that part of you.
So what is the anger about? What is the anger there for and just approach it as like, ok, this is an opportunity for me to understand myself and you know, emotions can feel uncomfortable. But isn't it just that uncomfortable to engage in avoiding avoidance behavior and escaping? You just have a different kind of discomfort. So, and emotions can kill you whilst the behavior that you're engaging with to escape them actually has the potential to kill you, you know, because it's
never the emotion itself, that is the problem is our resistance to it and everything that we do around it to try and run away. So be with yourself is the biggest act of love, you know, that we can do like self love. Is this be with yourself, whatever you're present with and accept it and look at yourself with compassion rather than judgment, you know.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah, I think that's a really hard thing for people in those situations to do because they're so used to having that fear of judging, like people judging them that they also probably feel like the used to judging their own emotions just out of reaction from fear of others judging them. But I, I loved how you said, you know, the emotions can't kill you. I actually haven't heard that phrase.
But I love it and I'm gonna use it all the time because you're so right. All these things that we do to numb or escape our emotions, drugs can kill us. Overeating can kill, kill us. being sedentary and, and not taking care of our health can kill us. So, those are some really, really great first steps to be able to look at our emotions.
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
I love that toxic relationships can kill you and you know, the emotional, the emotional abuse. Yeah.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Once we start looking a little bit inwards, we're getting to know our emotions as a way to start healing that inner child part of us. What happens when we get used to feeling comfortable with our emotions? Does the work stop there or is there more to do?
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
Well, no, the, the work never stops but it gets easier, it gets easier and you will find yourself more functional, you will find yourself with a new sense of like wholeness, you will find yourself with more self trust. You don't worry so much about what other people think of you and you kind of switch to because we all want people to like us. It's just a normal natural thing and we do want people to think well of us, it's just natural, you know how people say don't care what people think.
No. Of course we do. Of course we do. But to let that affect you, your functionality in life. That's when the problem rises. Right. And so getting to a place where you're going, like, you know what I love if you liked me and if you approved of me, but I don't need it to be ok. You know, I don't need it to function. I don't need it to carry on with my original plan.
Yeah. So it's more like a want then a need, I want you to agree with me. But if you don't, it's ok. I don't need it to survive. Sort of. So to answer your question, the, the work never ends. But because there is all, all different level when you, so, you know, when you kind of like an onion, isn't it? We are like a beautiful massive onion and we are, you know, we lay these layers and yeah, it never ends, but it gets easier and you get stronger with it and you get more, your awareness grows and
you just get better at it and you get to know you're in your child. So you will start having conversation with your inner child. You'll know when you're inner child. One of the exercises that I do with my clients and you're welcome to do it. Just think about a situation in the last 24 72 hours where you overreacted to something, you know, when you were in your inner child when in your child and just think about, how did you feel?
What were you thinking and how were you behaving can do the same thing with your adult? Think a sit, think about a situation in the past 72 hours where you are in your adult, how did you behave? What were you thinking? And how were you feeling? And when you write it down, it will literally jump at you and you will be able to see exactly where in your life you'll be, your child was showing up and where you were actually in your adult.
And that will also help you to identify in the future. When is your child popping up? And that's when you can really start doing the work, you know. Right. OK. And then you start talking with yourself and you make peace and you heal the child and you do the, you know, all the, all the work that you have.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
I love that because essentially through that exert size, you can kind of figure out what that inner child is sensitive to and you can kind of predict the situations where you could be triggered. And if we can predict that, then we can figure out what we need in advance and be able to try to like set ourselves up for success in those situations.
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
Because doing this work, what you just said is basically what you realize is what is the subconscious beliefs, plural that my inner child believes to be true. That is driving me today and every time you just end up in, I'm not good enough, I'm not important. I'm not wanted, I'm unlovable and all of those, all of those things. But really getting to the feelings because we are so language is so important. You know, we're so used to say things like I feel it or I feel unloved.
And this is something that I've also learned in my trauma training, I feel rejected is not actually a feeling. It's a perception which tells you already that it comes from, you know, whenever you made that up, you perceive yourself as being rejected. So what is the feeling behind that? So really get into the emotion and mind your language. How do you, you know, how do you phrase yourself? How do you make sense of what's happening within you?
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah. Oh I didn't even realize that with rejection because I, I have a lot of people I work with saying like, oh yeah, I felt rejected as a child or you know, my ex, I felt rejected all the time because they wouldn't show me love in this way. And, and really what you're saying is that rejection is kind of like a signal to yourself saying like, hey, wait a second, there's a little bit more inner work for you to do here. What, what's really hurting from that rejection? Yeah.
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
What's the person like you perceive yourself as being rejected? And then when you look at the perception you can analyze the situation and there is always other other options, like you feel rejected. What else could it be true? Like about this person doing these things that made you feel rejected? And we notice how we always pick the most painful reason.
Oh, yeah. They don't want us or they don't like us. Well, maybe they were just busy with themselves. They were overwhelmed about their own stuff, but we always speak the most painful. So from there you go back, you go back in childhood and then you find the connections and you get, you know, you do the healing work that you have to, that you have to do.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah. What a great way to frame that. As you were talking, I kind of thought about how kind of going back to when we figure out what's happening for us in the moment and predicting like with that exercise of, you know, being in your adult self and inner child self, it kind of begs the idea of figuring out what your boundaries are like, trying to identify what your boundaries are through, finding out when that inner child is popping up for you. Is that kind of on the right track there?
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
Yeah. I mean, the, the thing about boundaries, it's important to get that is not other people's responsibility to respect your boundary. It's our responsibility to keep it in place, right? Because I can say I'm not available to talk on the phone after five pm right now. Somebody can still call you at 10 minutes past five. Now it's up to you to pick up the phone or not.
The moment we pick up the phone, we have betrayed ourselves. And also what we are subconsciously saying to the person is you can overstep my boundaries. My boundaries are not important. So the self responsibility lies in, I said I'm not available after 5 p.m. and I'm not picking up the phone no matter what. And if they get upset about it, which for a people pleaser can definitely be a trigger or they won't like me if I don't pick up the phone or, and this and
that is just to be with the discomfort and again, be with your emotions because that's where the inner child comes up. Fear of the consequences if I were to put myself first.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah. Yeah. I think the big fear that comes up a lot that prevents people, pleasers not setting the boundaries or enforcing them if they are set. Is that fear of ending up alone or abandoned in that relationship, whatever dynamic it is. You know, if I don't answer the phone, they're not going to be my friend anymore. If I don't answer the phone, I am not gonna get invited to the party or whatever it is. Right?
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
Yeah. The ultimate fear is that you're gonna be an outcast and you know, isolated alone. But that's very subconscious. What we feel in the moment is a body. You know, it's a reaction in the body. This is why a big part of the inner child healing is nervous system regulation because trauma is in the body is not in our thoughts. That's why a lot of talking therapies is great talking coaching, whatever you do.
but also need to heal emotions and inner child work has to be somatic has to be in the body. Because when you feel an emotion, you feel it in your body, it's not a thought that you feel feelings in the body is a physical thing. And so with people pleaser, for example, that fear that you just mentioned of like, oh if I don't answer, which is all unconscious by the way, like if I don't answer, if I don't do what they want me to do or if I'm not going to be who they want me to be, they're gonna
abandon me and not want me alone. That's a body thing. You feel the anxiety in the body, you feel the pull to rescue to pick up because oh my God, if I don't so be aware of that, going back to what you asked me before, how do we become more aware? You know, if we want to do the work but not quite sure where to start feel your body like what sensations do you feel, how do this emotion show up? Because ultimately, that's where you have to do the work in the body.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
I love that you bring that up because I'm trained in something called accelerated resolution therapy, which is very similar to a very popular type of therapy called E MD R for trauma healing. And so the the main basis in that is processing out these really stuck physical sensations in our body that makes it feel like the actual trauma is happening in that moment for you that makes the flashbacks feel like they are right in your face.
And so I find that interesting how like we're, we're even talking about this, even with people pleasers, like we may not think about it in our head as trauma or as a trauma response, but this is something that is live and well in our body.
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
Yeah, it's absolutely is a trauma response and it's, it's, it's in the nervous system. That's why yeah, what you just said fits fits perfectly with, with what we're talking about, it has to be healed in the body and nervous system. So what I wanted to say actually that came up when you were talking was the nervous system perceives it as a danger, which is exactly the same thing as real danger.
So it doesn't know the difference. So that's why safety is the healing. I don't know the healing goal to healing to healing trauma, it's reestablishing a sense of safety. So in inner child healing work, there is a lot of I am here and I am safe. And really distinguishing between, is this real danger? Am I really in danger or is it perceived danger?
Because the nervous system doesn't know the difference? Like you said, you're relieving the trauma and you're reacting as if you're still, you know, whenever that actually happened in real life, it is not in reality, it isn't, but the body reacts just as if it was.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah, I love how you're explaining it like that because I, I kind of like essentially say to the clients, I work with that. Our brains really haven't evolved that much over the course of humanity. And it's essentially like as if we were in cavemen times and we're being chased by a saber toothed tiger.
Our brains react on the flip of a switch just like that because that's what they had to do to stay safe back then a lot has evolved. We're not running from tires anymore, but the danger feels the same. And so we react the same essentially.
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
Yeah, absolutely.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
What would you do? Do you have any like exercises you use for clients to help them do that regulation within their body? Like to be able to like process out those physical sensations or ways to cope with that.
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
There is lots of different things that you can do. But one of the most important thing is emotions wants to move. So whenever you feel like you have a strong emotional reaction and your nervous system is activated, just move around. There is like shaking is good exercise. I'm sure you can find lots of example of that. Online shaking is a good way to do it.
Even dancing. If you feel like that, that's more of a practice for you or like butterflies hugs when you're like literally just hugging yourself and just patting yourself on the shoulders and ultimately just sitting with your breath, sit in with yourself. But again, be really aware of what do you want to do? Because if your body wants to move to release the emotions and I tell you to sit with your breath, you might not be in the right place to do that.
It might not be for you in that moment. So really trust yourself with what do I need right now? Do I want to scream? That's another great thing. Do I want to sing at the top of my, you know, my voice, do I want to move around? Do I want to punch something? So go and punch the pillows. This is all healthy ways to release your emotions, emotions want motion, so move.
If you feel more, then you need to really just give yourself some love and calm and peace, then just sit with yourself and just really focus on the sensation in the body. What do you feel, is there any tingling? Is that tension? Is there? Do you feel turmoil? What is it? And just bringing the awareness into the body will ground you where you are?
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
really, really great tips. I haven't heard that phrase. emotions need motion. I'm learning so much from you Aloia. I love this. This is such a great episode. Well, we, we've kind of covered a lot today. Are there any other things in terms of how to come back to yourself and reconnect to yourself with having this behavior as a people pleaser? So that we don't entertain those toxic relationships anymore. Any other things that we show to cover on the show today?
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
I think what I feel like I want to say that is something that has helped me on my journey and I feel like I want to look at every woman on earth that is going through a hard time in relationships and with themselves. I just want you to know that you're gonna be ok even if you might not feel like it right now in the moment, even if you feel stuck, even if you feel like you can leave this relationship or you don't know where to, where to go, you're going to be ok.
There really is a life after the toxic relationship. And another thing that I really feel like I wanna say is focus on yourself, reconnect with you and when you are in a place where you can leave the relationship, you will just focus on you and starting getting to know yourself. This is how we reconnect, reconnect to that to those things that bring you joy and just do things just for the sake of it, which can be really difficult if you are in a toxic relationship.
If your partner is say very controlling or very jealous, but just keep going seek help because I know I couldn't have done it without support because a lot of the times friends and family don't know how to support us. Like in my case, my friends were just full of judgment. They just didn't get it. And I know that we can't just leave because yeah, because it's, it's a, it's a addictive dynamic.
It's a codependency is, you know, trauma bonding, we can't just leave. So give yourself the support or somebody that can actually support you. You're gonna be OK and reconnecting with yourself starts in the moment that you say enough. I deserve better. I I deserve more. I deserve me. You know, I deserve myself and to actually find who you really are without having to be all of this version of you to make them happy and they're not even
happy at the end of the day anyway, because like we said before, you can't do anything, right? They're gonna find something that, you know, they have to create drama from.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
I love that message. It really is about coming back to yourself and giving yourself that permission to be happy to return home to you, choose you to choose ourselves, you know.
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
Yeah.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah. Yeah, I love that. Oh, oh, this has been such a lovely conversation. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for talking about this really great topic today. If listeners resonated with anything you said, how can they find you? How can they work with you?
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
Where am I? So the best place to contact me is Instagram. I've got my account which I'm show you link somewhere in the notes. I also actually have a Facebook group which I've just re reopened. I've just opened a new one for people pleasers. So stop pleasing and start leaving. So I will send you the link for that. So you're more than welcome to Yeah, to join the group and then we can connect on a 1 to 1 there.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Super duper. OK. I will make sure to have those links in the show notes for any listeners who want to connect. And thank you so much for this conversation. It was so needed and you taught me a lot. So I'm sure the listeners also got a lot out of this conversation too.
Ilaria Petrucci, Trauma Informed and NLP Master Coach
Oh, so thank you so much for having me. I loved to chat with you. It was great.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
You're welcome. All right listeners. Until next time, take care of yourself.
