Unpacking ADHD: Coaching, Accommodations, and Relationships | With Kamden Hainsworth, ADHD Coach
Main Points from the Show:
This podcast episode explored various aspects of ADHD, including the lack of accommodations for students with ADHD, differences in diagnosis between childhood and adulthood, and how women may not get diagnosed or get misdiagnosed due to certain gender roles. The discussion also touched on the overlap between ADHD and anxiety or depression, and how ADHD coaching can help individuals get to the root of the problem and create systems that work for them. The episode also covered how to work with procrastination and ADHD, and how partners can support those with ADHD by being vulnerable, accepting the diagnosis, and asking for consent when offering help. Ultimately, ADHD is not a deficit of attention but a self-regulation disorder that affects emotions, time, impulsivity, and communication.
Stay in touch with Kamden:
Website - https://www.myadhdcoaches.com/
Instagram - www.instagram.com/Kamden_ADHD
Email - theadhdirectory@gmail.com
About the Host:
Paige Bond is a Relationship Expert and the Creator of the Jealousy to Joy Journey. Her mission is to help people-pleasing millennials navigate non-monogamy so they can tame their jealousy and love with ease.
Free Jealousy Workbook: http://www.paigebond.com/calm-the-chaos-jealousy-workbook-download
Free People Pleasing Workbook: https://www.paigebond.com/people-pleasing-workbook
Disclaimer: This podcast and communication through our email are not meant to serve as professional advice or therapy. If you are in need of mental health support, you are encouraged to connect with a licensed mental health professional to receive the support needed.
Mental Health Resources:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling.
Intro music by Coma-Media on pixabay.com
Transcript
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Hello listeners. Welcome back to another episode of Stubborn Love. Our guest today is Kamden Hainsworth who is an ADHD coach and I'm so excited to talk to her today, because she works with all aspects of ADHD, whether you are the person who has it, whether you're the partner that has it, whether it's in your family and you're trying to navigate it.
And I'm just so excited because this is so common in my own work with clients and, especially with couples, too many couples just don't know how to navigate the intricacies of ADHD and they'll end up in a constant cycle of arguments.
So, Kamden, thank you so much for being here today. Before we get started with our topic, could you just introduce yourself to listeners? Tell them a little bit about your journey to where you are and how you got here?
Kamden Hainsworth
Absolutely. Thanks for having me on page. This is great. Like you said, my name's Kamden Hainsworth. I'm an ADHD coach. if you've never heard of an ADHD coach, this is a little bit of what we do. We help clients get really clear on what ADHD is. So there's a, a portion of it that's education, at least in my coaching. And then we help clients and I help clients get really clear on what their goals are, what their values are, what they want out of life.
And then we bridge the gap and a lot of that bridging comes through yes, skills and strategies, but also understanding the whole cause like what's the underlying reason why these struggles continue to surface? And we do that all through the lens of understanding ADHD. So I work with individuals with couples with parents and Children, entrepreneurs, the whole gamut.
We all have relationships and the number one relationship we have to start with is self in order to improve others. And so that's where we begin and then it makes the rest of the relationships a lot easier to manage.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
OK, I love where we're getting started here with relationship with self. And you know, either coming to learn about a diagnosis with ADHD or like kind of like thinking, you might be curious, you have it or just totally unaware. So can you kind of walk us through that process of like the, the relationship with self? Where does one start?
Kamden Hainsworth
That's a really big question. And I think depending upon your backgrounds has a lot to do with it. I started my, ADHD understanding of self, or, or understanding myself through the lens of ADHD at 36 years old when I started to recognize. Wait a second, I think there's a name. I think there's a diagnosis to these things that I've been feeling for the rest of, you know, for my whole life.
It's very similar to you Paige, like you said, you're a late bloomer, you're a late diagnosis. And once I started to see my life and see my choices and see the struggles that I had through the lens of a DH D. All of a sudden I started to develop a great deal of self compassion. The same way that I might have compassion on my Children or I used to be an elementary school teacher on my students.
And that compassion grew because you know, if I had a student that, you know, didn't have arms or was blind or had any other number of physical disabilities that you could see, I would be so happy to help accommodate them and to help them succeed based upon their needs and my needs were a little bit less visible.
In fact, sometimes ADHD they call an invisible disability. And so when we start to acknowledge that and accept it as part of our experience in life, exercising compassion for yourself, I love the phrase, this makes sense helps us to gain a better understanding of why we act and why we do the things that we do.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
I like that you can approach it in such a much more kind way because like when I was first diagnosed, I had a partner at that time who, who would just kind of say you're so forgetful or you do this wrong and like it was, it was very kind of like, blame me and not really coming from that concept of understanding.
So I, I love the first step with us that we have to internally do is first understand ourselves. So we don't kind of suck in all the external, you know, unkind comments that we get very interesting process.
Kamden Hainsworth
Yeah, it is, it's really helpful. And I, I also think that there's, you know, I don't want to skip over the part of mourning like a loss of what we maybe thought our life would look like. And for a lot of people that is really, really necessary to recognize, wait a second, what would life have looked like? Had I under understood this about myself earlier or how, how would my parents have treated me or my teachers have treated me if they had the lens of ADHD that I do now?
And so I think there's a degree of that mourning of the acknowledgement, that things are different that now than we have thought about them. Maybe throughout our whole life. And that's, that's a really important part in order for us to have compassion and understanding.
And then also, I think as we're talking about relationships, it also helps us have compassion upon our partners who maybe don't quite understand what's going on or our former teachers or our parents who didn't really understand what was going on because especially as late diagnosed individuals, we knew our life one way before and now we know it a different way now and loving ourselves in both a arenas before and current are equally as acceptable.
We need to love ourselves regardless and with greater understanding and greater depth to understanding who we are. That compassion, that understanding is even even more profound.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah, I'm, I'm curious at all if you happen to know, like when someone gets diagnosed much later in life, like as an adult, instead of, you know, growing up in school, it be it's commonly diagnosed in Children. Like, what's the difference of impact? I wonder in, in those two groups of like diagnosed, early, diagnosed way late.
Kamden Hainsworth
It's a great question. It's, it's actually really interesting because I think I have a pretty equal number in clientele and also in other ac coaches that I interact with, people that have known their whole life versus people that have been diagnosed, let say in the last five years or so, as adults and I would say, there are degrees that are a little bit different.
But because mental health in general is so much more on the rise in terms of education and awareness and even having the information at our fingertips through the internet and through podcasts, et cetera, I think because that's more on the rise right now that even those who were diagnosed earlier in life. They still weren't advocated for the same way that those who are diagnosed now could be advocated for. I'm not saying it's perfect now, but they still many of them, like maybe they were given medication, but that was it.
There was, there was no education, there was no books, there was no podcasts that were accessible to them as kids, you know, growing up in the nineties. and the early two thousands like that just that wasn't the culture in the world. So while yes, there will be differences. I think when it comes down to, you know, what it's distilled down to is now is the time to start making steps forward.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah. Like now, now that, you know, get the support, I, I love how you kind of explain that whereas like with, if you were diagnosed way back, let's say 30 years ago, I mean, we have so much more information now, 30 years later, that I think even if we had the information, we still probably wouldn't know what to do with it properly or the, or the treatment as much as we do today. So, very interesting that, that you brought that.
I'm, I'm also curious, I've kind of seen this as a trend on like social media and tiktok and I, I don't know if you've seen this in your clientele with just different genders that you see. they were saying that oftentimes women don't get diagnosed or they get misdiagnosed with ADHD just because of how we are socially groomed to be. Yes. So, have you talked about that?
Kamden Hainsworth
Yeah. And I will do a little plug for Sari Solden. She has a book, I think it's called Women in ADHD right now. because that's a really great resource. They can just go straight to straight to a really well informed book. They could help you with that. Yeah, I mean, specifically in North America, certain gender roles have been widely accepted traditional gender roles and that goes so much further than maybe what we think in our brain.
This goes further than that, this is like how, how a woman versus a man or a girl versus boy should, should perform and look successful in the classroom. What an anxious boy looks like versus an anxious girl. It even actually gets into you know, race as well like that. This is a, a much bigger issue than just a single diagnosis and the way that society approaches certain behaviors based upon certain attributes that we hold.
And that relationship so often. Yeah, white boys, little boys that are hyperactive, bouncing off the wall. That's what we would think about as ADHD and myself included, I remember, you know, as a little kid thinking, "oh, that kid's hyperactive" and thinking something about that kid because of that label that I heard other people give me to label him with versus the hyperactive brain of a girl in the classroom who maybe was a little bit more "spacey".
You know, her, her imagination would go wild and she would see, you know, all of her hyperactivity was inside of her brain. And so it was less recognizable. There's also a, a really big correlation of women who have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety and not being able to be treated with either generalized anxiety or depression. And later on in life continuing to advocate for themselves and eventually being diagnosed with ADHD either in addition to anxiety or, you know, as the new diagnosis.
There are so many things also hormones, huge thing like how hormones play. So how the menstrual cycle plays into ADHD different times during the month or estrogen levels are different and estrogen and dopamine have a really close tie when you have low estrogen amounts in your body, your dopamine is highly impacted. And so that cycle of understanding how your brain is showing up for you is really closely tied to gender too.
So, yes, on the outside people had one idea of the way it looked and then yes, also it's so much more complex in the female body. Maybe that's, maybe that's a judgment. There's, there's so many complexities to what ADHD looks like in a woman's body.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah, I'm so curious if you can all talk about like the overlap of anxiety, depression ADHD and how it oftentimes can just be missed of an ADHD diagnosis.
Kamden Hainsworth
Yeah, I am definitely not a medical professional, so I'll do my best. I think it will help if I can speak from my personal experience. So, my personal experience is I have been diagnosed with PTSD and generalized anxiety and ADHD. Nobody has told me whether I'm combined type or hyperactive type or an attentive type. But I have my own understanding of probably what that is.
So when I experience anxiety associated with ADHD, it is often because of a spiraling of thoughts and I cannot slow my brain down. Doctor Hollowell talks about this as a Ferrari engine with bicycle brakes and that's the feeling that causes so much anxiety. So let's say that I was planning a trip to go camping with my family. I have four Children.
I'm married to my husband. There's a lot of preparation. They're all in elementary school, they're young and the overwhelm because my frontal lobe of my brain with ADHD does not show up for me of having to prioritize tasks of being excited, of having to have a lot of decisions that I have to make for the family.
So that could be a decision overwhelm of having to do this all the while hearing a lot of noise and just being in a house full of kids that stimulation all of these things that are actually issues in ADHD are actually what's causing my shortness of breath, my increased heart rate and my anxiety because my brain is not functioning smoothly.
So I'm just gonna take it one step further here if that's OK, let me give a little bit of education in a very nuanced way. So forgive me. But I like to think about my brain as a, a sailboat or a big boat even going through the water. And when I have the appropriate amount of dopamine, it's just sailing beautifully right on top of that water, really smooth and very visual.
So this is what helps me when I think about those very low dopamine days and then we have all these other influences on us. I picture myself either with an anchor trying to drag that boat through the ocean or that the water level actually is my neurotransmitters and there is not enough water in that body of water.
And that boat is just scratching the bottom of the ocean. So that would cause anxiety and that does cause anxiety in my body. But when I can increase my dopamine, when I can increase my neurotransmitter levels, all of a sudden, I'm smooth sailing again. And so it's really not a matter of generalized anxiety. It's a matter of treating my ADHD.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
OK. That visual was so helpful for me because like, I got the visual image of like staying stuck, like the, the common term that I've been seeing lately is analysis paralysis and like ADHD paralysis. And you, you have like the to do list in your head of things, you know, you need to do or what you wanna do next, but you just kind of like, like your whole body shuts down brain included.
And so he hearing you explain that visual was so really helpful. I, I wanna hear more about like how you help clients and, and treat ADHD and, and go through the process like, what does that look like?
Kamden Hainsworth
Of course, it's very individualized, it's very tailored to the needs of each client. So, I would say the foundational principle of how I coach and, and what's really cool is I've gotten to know really personally about 30 or so different coaches because I also have a coaching directory for 88 years. And so I can say that the approach I take is called causal coaching.
This gets down to the root of the problem instead of just creating a band aid on the top. Now, having said that when we are bleeding, a band aid is important, OK. So it, it's important that we have tools, we have structures, we have systems on that superficial level. In fact, I would say that's what's allowed me to create the life that I have is because I'm able to have structures and systems.
So I can outsource my memory or my brain or my anxiety, I can outsource it to the system. So let's say getting my kids out the door in the morning with my husband, we do that together. But a lot of it was very difficult for me. Now we have a structure and system, we have a visual in my house. So I, when I'm in that stress, I can look to that and it grounds me and helps me remember what we're supposed to be doing.
OK. So that, that is essential. But I want to drive home that I was unable to create that system until I actually got down to the root of the problem in my body, which was identifying where the problem areas were during the day, identifying what feelings were causing me to take in action or to freak out or to yell at my kids. Like what was the feeling in my body during those high stress times during the day that caused that and then taking it a step further, which is so amazing is that our thoughts actually create our emotions.
So if I am feeling the emotion of overwhelm, there is a thought in my head that says these kids aren't going to get to school on time if we don't hurry up. And that is actually what's on replay in addition to, you know, 1000 other thoughts in my ADHD brain. But that's how I work with my clientele is I give them the tools so that on their own, they're able to do that same process to ground themselves to remind themselves.
Oh, there's a thought behind all of this. Do I want to continue to believe this slot or would I like to shift it or do I need to go ground my body? Maybe with EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), maybe with meditation, maybe with a walker on the block, maybe with a favorite song. But I need to get myself out of this activated state and take control over what's going on. I need to have, be, be an agent over my own life. I need to have that agency that choice again. So I teach my clients how to do that.
And then of course, I coach them on the calls when they bring a challenge to me and then it opens up the whole world to them because they're in a relaxed state, they're in an open state, they're in a safe state where, guess what? Their brains can start to tap into their incredible creativity and make a system of their own that is tailored for their home, their family, their kids, the shape of their living room, whatever it might be. And I'm there to support them and give them suggestions as needed.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah. Yeah. So basically once their system is calmed down, then they have the brain space to be able to, like, figure out what will work for them. Yeah. Ok. Cool, cool. I, I'm wondering like how when they're going through this process and they're trying to tell you all right. Hey, I have this problem. I have this deadline. I know it's due. I procrastinate all the time.
Like, what, what kind of system do you even, make for things like that? Because procrastination is really big in ADHD and sometimes it's a motivation like that needs to be explored. Sometimes it's just, that's how they've always done it and that's their system. Like, how do you work with procrastination in ADHD?
Kamden Hainsworth
Oh, it comes up a lot. I, I, it does and first understanding the science behind it, the education behind it is really great when we're working under a time crunch. What does that do to our body? It increases adrenaline, it increases dopamine it like the time crunch, almost gami fies the task. And so when something is gamified, it's more interest driven.
All of these things are what grabs an ADHD attention. So sometimes we just without thinking about it, we think that procrastination is a bad thing because society tells us that. And so I think getting a really clear understanding on, is this something that you actually do want to stop doing or do you like it? And what are the consequences? What are the results when you do procrastinate?
Which ones do you like? Which ones don't you like? If someone is a solo Lorene or an entrepreneur, and let's say that they work on projects quarterly and they have a project that's coming up and they have like the ca the capability of resting for three weeks in between each quarter and they're OK with that, then maybe the procrastination actually isn't a problem.
It's the need to make rest after the procrastination. And that's very controversial in the generalized neurotypical world, right? So I would say to challenge, challenge the thought the procrastination, procrastination is bad and then to feel into your body and take a look at the results and say, why is it bad? Why is it bad for me? Is it bad for me?
And that's gonna help you understand where you want to move that needle pointer? What actions do you want to do differently? If you're getting burnt out over and over again. Probably you're right. Probably procrastination is not a helpful thing. So we either create more rest or we reverse engineer this and we figure out where the breakdown is. And most of the time, guess what? It comes to a feeling created by a thought.
Maybe the thought is I'm not allowed to rest. Rest is for weak people, rest is for unsuccessful people. And so in an attempt to put off a task that's not very desirable instead of resting so that you can actually do the task. You start to do all these random things and you're actually wearing out your brain and your body. So of course, you wouldn't have energy to actually do the task at hand.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Wow, that, that makes so much sense and that brings up the I can't remember the author's name but it's, there's a book called Deep Rest and it talks about how if we create more space for us to actually not be so busy in tasks, your creativity is going to flourish. Your creativity is just gonna be off the charts because of what you just said, your brain is finally going to be recharged.
Kamden Hainsworth
Bravo. Yeah, bravo, especially late years are our rest is essential. It doesn't mean that we all have to rest the same way, but getting to know what your body needs is essential.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah. Yeah. OK. So that's diving into creating some systems with your causal coaching. What, what happens after you implement the systems? Like what's next?
Kamden Hainsworth
Oh, My favorite phrase that I use all too often is you're the boss apple sauce. If you make the, if you make it, you can change it. So having the flexibility of seeing how long it works and seeing if there's need for change, like you are literally the boss of your life. So once again, another very neurotypical thing to think very societal norm is the idea that if we make a system, it has to last for forever and it's malarkey, it's just not true. It's not helpful.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
So permanent. You're right though.
Kamden Hainsworth
It's not helpful. A system needs to last for however long it needs to last. And I think I see this a lot as businesses grow a lot, as Children grow a lot as partnerships grow and as people grow, like there is no way that I would treat my 20 year old self. The same way that I'm treating my 39 year old self right now. If, if truly a system that works when I was 20 was supposed to last for forever, I'd be really, I'd be really unhappy right now.
And that doesn't, you know, time is just of the essence, time is just the measurement of growth, right? So saying that something should last for a year or for two weeks, for three weeks is all irrelevant. So I would say giving yourself. That permission to just be curious. I love that word. Just be curious about how this is working. Be curious about the tweaks that you could make, make things better and kind of just be an experimenter about how this is all going to roll out.
And when things start to work better, you start learning things about yourself to adjust and to learn from them. I guess the next thing is just, there will always be more things to work on. So becoming masterful at your self awareness, your self compassion, getting back into your body. Oh, why am I feeling this way?
What thought is it connected to? Is that something I want to believe? Do I like the results? Do I want to shift the results? and just continuing to apply that, that grace and that understanding for yourself and for others around you is why coaching is always helpful.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah. Well, so the others around you part comes up a lot in my work because I see a lot of couples in my practice. And so oftentimes I'll get one partner who doesn't have a DH D and their spouse does and the, the one who doesn't have it is just so frustrated and they, they'll tell me, gosh, it feels like I'm raising a second kid now.
Like I just added another to the mix. How like what would be your first, I guess line of work when working with that partner who's just like, frustrated, kind of fed up, feels like that their other partner is like another kid basically who has ADHD hm.
Kamden Hainsworth
It's a really legitimate question. Whenever you enter into any kind of partnership, any kind of relationship. I remember when I first started teaching and I had a team teacher, you know, I had two team teachers and we were all brand new to sixth grade. It would be weird if all of a sudden we were all on the same page right from the get go having, you know, like, ok, well, we're teachers.
Therefore, we should know how to work at the same pace and the vibration and the creativity and the planning. That would be a little bit freaky if all of a sudden that happened and everyone was still being true to who they were right. They weren't just being bossed around every relationship is this way. So I hear in that sentiment of, I feel like I have another child that there's a feeling that there's a feeling that is causing them to have that sentence in their mouth.
It's a feeling of maybe like misunderstood, it might be a feeling of frustration. It might be a feeling of hopelessness or helplessness. And if we can get more clear on what the feeling is, maybe they feel powerless, like they just can't help their spouse and we don't know what it is. Right. This is kind of up in the air because we don't have an actual client in front of us.
But if we can get clear on what it is that we're actually feeling and what once again, what the thought is or what the series of thoughts are or what the visual is in our mind that's causing those feelings. That's when the communication can begin. And a communication that is, I would call healthy communication or respectful. A two way communication of, hey, I care about you. I know that in many ways we want the same thing.
That's why we're in a partnership. And the way that I would go about doing that is this way and the way that it, that I see it appears that you're trying to go about that way is unclear to me. Help me understand. And we all are, we, we all are, we have permission to feel feelings, feelings aren't bad. It's in the communication of those feelings that things get a little sticky sometimes, don't they? So I could keep going?
But I want to make sure that that's what you asked.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah. Yeah, that's perfect that, that lands. So if you do have more to say on that, go ahead.
Kamden Hainsworth
Yes, a lot of the time and there's a general feeling that I have based upon what I have seen. And I think that it has to do with once again society telling us how we're supposed to feel based upon the genders that we are or the stories that we have or whatever it might be. But I see a lot of men, men who are a lot slower to gain full acceptance of their ADHD because the world tells them in many ways that they're not allowed to feel.
And we are big feelers that they have to provide whatever the heck that means that they have to be stronger physically, that they have to be stronger mentally. And that anything in between that there's only one way to be strong, there's only one way to be emotional. There's only one way to be courageous. I just heard Brene Brown talking about like how being vulnerable is the best way that you can actually exhibit courage.
And yet in a man, the world says you must be courageous but you cannot be vulnerable and how that just doesn't apply like the dissonance is just, it doesn't work, it doesn't work that way. So bringing it back to your question of this, this communication or this relationship, it does to a degree. I think there's a degree of full self acceptance of your diagnosis that makes this easier that if your partner is willing to accept their ADHD brain and learn about their ADHD brain, it makes things smoother and that doesn't mean that you can't have a beautiful, strong relationship, even if they are unwilling.
I have met a lot of incredible people that can't quite have that gain that full self acceptance and are still the most loving kind people full of service and all of that. And sometimes it just takes time, right? It takes time for us to accept our reality and we aren't, it's not our responsibility to push somebody on that time, time path.
So having compassion, educating yourself about ADHD educating yourself about this, having compassion for them. And then I would also say asking them for permission for consent if you ever wanted to bring up ADHD to them. Are you OK if I continue or do you have you have another comment?
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah, I did have a comment. Can you talk about what's important about asking permission for consent to talk about ADHD?
Kamden Hainsworth
I was thinking about when I was a kid. I was a really good kid. I was I loved my parents as a great student as, as a good kid. I wasn't naturally like a rebel, you know, those personality types, how there's the rebel type. I wasn't, it wasn't that but whenever my mom would come to me and say, hey, do you want help with piano or she wouldn't say that. Actually, she would say let me help you with your piano or I can like here let me help you with your math lesson with your math homework.
This thing would happen in my body where I would tense up and I would become very defiant. And that was not my natural Camden, that was not my natural being and so on. Reflecting upon that, on surfing, my emotions is what we call it when I'm coaching with people getting really inside of that moment. What I realized is that there were two things I needed to feel loved, heard, seen, validated that I was in a struggle.
I needed that hug, whether it was with words, whatever your love language is right. I needed to feel seen that I was in a struggle. And when that happened, my armor would come down, my heart would be more open. And then if someone said “I would really like to support you because I love you, would it be ok? If I helped you with your piano lesson, I can see this is really hard.”
All of a sudden, I felt relief. I didn't feel like somebody was trying to fight me. I felt this relief and this openness. Now the side of my heart was soft and it was welcoming to their help. So that asking for consent after showing love, after showing validation and understanding like, oh you're going through something hard that consent of.
And now I would like to help you. Would that be ok with you? Takes me from this compartment in my brain of like I am at home doing homework on my piano. I don't have my piano teacher. I don't have my math teacher and you're trying to excuse me, you're trying to what like that transition with a DH D is really difficult. So you asking for consent for permission to enter into this compartment allows me to come there with you and reminds my body, we have been asked, we have evaluated and now we are transitioning by our own will. And that process is so much more smooth when we have the mutual understanding, the mutual respect and consensual help for the challenge for the trial.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Thank you so much for explaining that. Because I, I see how important that is as a lot of couples who haven't learned these effective communication skills, what happens will be is they'll be so frustrated that a task is not getting done and they'll just say, oh, just let me help you or just let me do it and like, totally disregard and dismiss everything going on for that other partner. And so the process you explained is so beautiful and like such a great antidote for a situation like that.
Kamden Hainsworth
Yeah, it's a great place to start, right? Tool in the tool about.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah. Now I know I kind of cut you off and we got a little sidetracked with that thing. So I don't know if you had something else to say about that process.
Kamden Hainsworth
No, that's about where I was gonna go. So you read, you read my mind is perfect.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach, Kamden Hainsworth
Yeah, I do that sometimes you get a feel for people, right.
Kamden Hainsworth
Yeah.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
So can you kind of talk about how else ADHD affects other aspects of lives? We've talked a little bit about self about with a romantic partner.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach, Kamden Hainsworth
What else does it affect with a romantic partner?
Kamden Hainsworth
Sorry, I didn't quite hear you.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah, what we've talked about it already with those things. So outside of romantic partner and outside of self, what other aspects does ADHD affect in our life?
Kamden Hainsworth
Thank you. Thanks for stating that it, it impacts everything. If you are familiar with any of the executive functions, so our brain is into to two different ideas here, right? We have the autonomic system, something comes automatic and then we have the executive side of our brain and I think it's something like I just read the statistic 80 to 90% of the brain is on automatic.
This is things like our heart rates, our digestion, our breathing rate that's just like automatic. We don't even think about it. Our body just does it the executive function which is things like decision making choice, working memory. Anything that we actually have to do, like technically have a thought process for and do is that other 10 to 20% and that 10 to 20% is the most stressful for 88 years.
We struggle so hard with the executive function side of our brain and that's backed up by science and the frontal lobe of the brain, et cetera. So, what does this look like in terms of ADHD symptoms is kind of maybe what you're asking, emotional regulation. In fact, Doctor Halliwell, no, excuse me. Doctor Barkley and a variety of other psychologists have said that ADHD is really not properly named.
It's not, it's not attention deficit, it's not a deficit of attention. It really is a self regulation disorder. And when we think about all the things we have to do to regulate ourselves, that's what it does not come naturally. We have to develop those skills. So let's break them down.
So we've got emotions like regulating your emotions, time regulating your time, impulsivity, whether or not you're gonna do something, communication, whether or not you're gonna say something or how loud you're gonna say it or if you're gonna be really direct and sarcastic or like not, it it impacts so many things. I mean, I could just sit here and list them all and understanding that I would like to as to not like make us feel like a doomsday here, the more we get clear on what our personal big triggers are, the easier it's going to be to break down, you know, to make chips in, in this ice sculpture and feel like that we're getting somewhere because trying to think about themall at once is completely overwhelming.
But working on one thing, let me just tell you as an ADHD coach and what I have observed that one little thing makes a world of a difference in your anxiety level, in your mood, in your confidence, that ripple effect of really working on one thing and then seeing how it impacts everything else is real, it's so real. We are so used to just treading above water with ADHD that when we get to like swim with our shoulders out of the water, we feel like
we're invincible, we can do anything. So that's why like I want to add a little bit of sunshine to this that while ADHD does impact a lot of things, the more clear we get on our problem areas, we start to work on just one of them. We can breathe deeper.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah, I love that you were able to like put a positive like spin a light at the end of the tunnel on it. Like if you have this diagnosis, yes, there are a lot of difficulties that you may experience, but that does not mean that you have to stay stuck there. Like there are so many different things and even if you just start with one Oh my gosh, that's gonna like change so much then sign me up, please.
Kamden Hainsworth
Yeah. Yeah. And there's so many great things. Obviously, I think that eight years are the most caring and heart driven people. They are big dreamers. They have incredible creativity. They're really fun to be around. They're very spontaneous and generally speaking guys, but like generally speaking, they're, they're just good, they're just great people.
I feel like I, I hit the jackpot with the clientele I get to work with because of the dynamic nature, like the multifaceted nature of these brains and these people I get to work with. So don't discredit that like your capacity and your skill and, and your grit that you've used your whole life just to keep your head above water. Now we get to use all of those attributes to help you live honestly, the best life that you're trying to get after.
Yes, there's challenges. Yes, there's struggles. Yes. All these things are gonna happen and now you're gonna understand how to regulate yourself. You understand how to approach those scenarios, not just by grasping at straws, but in a really logical and effective way for your body and, and that's really, really cool.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yeah, I, I love that. I'm excited to like even hopefully talk more to you about all of your work. and things like that. I, we have to wind down today's show. I'm just wondering if there's like any other piece of information or word of advice that you would like to give listeners for this episode, like, what would that be?
Kamden Hainsworth
I think as I knew that we were going to be talking today, 88 years, most of us are very visual. And I said, I'm gonna be talking on this podcast for a while and I'm hoping number one, you guys put this on two times speed or at least 1.5 times speed because it's gonna massage your brain so much better and you're gonna get so much more out of it.
But number two, what could I tell them that they could actually like visualize and when you are in a relationship with ADHD, I want you to think of it as like ADHD university. OK. The first thing you do when you go to university is you get educated, OK? You get accepted into the university, you get educated and you're like, all right, this is what I'm gonna do. And then what do you do after you graduate? You go and you apply those skills, whether it's in your first job or your internship. So you have strategies and skills, you use that education and now you're implementing it.
OK? That's what you're gonna do with your relationships, educate yourself, accept yourself graduate, you're gonna go apply strategies and skills in your internship. These skills might be like communication, they could be systems, they could be grounding techniques, all the things we talked about today. And then what do we do for the rest of our life?
We gain more clarity about who we are and we just keep persevering. So it's just like this three step idea that if you're in a relationship with someone with ADHD, if you have ADHD yourself, if you're really struggling that this cycle is just gonna continue sometimes, you know, maybe, with your sleep, let's say you're at the education phase, you have not even thought about a strategy or a skill.
You're just learning about ADHD and sleep. But maybe when it comes to eating meals, you're like, yep, I have a system now. And so that when you're more on the clarity and the perseverance and just understanding that there are just different aspects of your life that you'll be going through this ADHD University experience. And that's exactly how it's supposed to be, that you're always gonna be learning, you're always gonna be growing.
And if it wasn't with ADHD it'd be with something else. My clients are more self-aware than any neurotypical I have ever met after we worked together. What that means is that they are more focused and more aligned by the time they're done than anyone else who naturally knows all the skills of their frontal lobe because we have to, we have to become experts on our self in order to get to the life we want.
And so I, I just like applaud all the 88 shares that I worked with or that I know that have really been working on themselves because they are the most emotionally mature humans because they've had to be, and very resilient. Perfect word. Yeah, it's, it's really fun. it's a hard process. I, I say fun and I'm, like, optimistic about it because I've seen the end from the beginning and everything in between.
it's just hopeful. It's, it's really helpful, especially for late diagnoses who you just feel like. Oh, well, we're just endlessly flawed, you know. It's very helpful to know that you get to create a life where there's a lot of good and you get to take back, you know, take back your choice.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Yes, and you do it so well. Well, thank you so much for talking to me today. If you know what you had to say, really resonated with listeners, what's the best way they can get in touch with you or see more of your work, et cetera?
Kamden Hainsworth
Thank you. Yeah, I, I would say reach out to me on Instagram my handle. I'm sure they'll put in the show notes page will put in the show notes, but it's Kamden with a “K” KAMDEN_ADHD I'm both on tiktok and on Instagram, but most active over there. You can also shoot me an email. My email is the ADHDIRECTORY@gmail.com. And I'm happy to answer any questions there as well. Very cool.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Thank you so much. I'll have all those links in the show notes for everybody listening. And I hope you have a great day, Camden. Thank you so much. Thank you, Paige.
Kamden Hainsworth
This has been great.
Paige Bond, Relationship Coach
Ok. Listeners until next time. Catch you on the next episode.
