Empower Your Sex Life | With Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Breaking Sexual Taboos: A Journey towards Pleasure, Intimacy, and Equality

Dr. Kristie Overstreet is a clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, host of the Fix Yourself First podcast, and author of Fix Yourself First: 25 Tips to Stop Ruining Your Relationships. Her mission is to help people experience self-change to feel more empowered and connected in their personal and professional relationships. 

Main Points from the Show: 

This episode discussed the importance of the mind in sexual experiences and how societal messages can shape our views. Dr. Overstreet helps women achieve emotional and physical intimacy without sacrificing their needs, stressing the importance of examining past messages and experiences around sex to rewrite the sexual template. She also highlighted the need to challenge negative messages around sexuality, reintegrate sexual touch in couples, and establish ideal times for sex. Communication during sex and being open about desires is important for fulfilling sexual experiences.

Stay in touch with Kristie:

Website:  https://drkristieoverstreet.com/

IG: https://www.instagram.com/kristie_overstreet

FB: https://www.facebook.com/DrKristieOverstreet

LI: www.linkedin.com/in/kristieoverstreet

About the Host:
Paige Bond is a Relationship Expert and the Creator of the Jealousy to Joy Journey. Her mission is to help people-pleasing millennials navigate non-monogamy so they can tame their jealousy and love with ease.

Free Jealousy Workbook: http://www.paigebond.com/calm-the-chaos-jealousy-workbook-download

Free People Pleasing Workbook: https://www.paigebond.com/people-pleasing-workbook

Disclaimer: This podcast and communication through our email are not meant to serve as professional advice or therapy. If you are in need of mental health support, you are encouraged to connect with a licensed mental health professional to receive the support needed.

Mental Health Resources:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling.

Intro music by Coma-Media on pixabay.com

Transcript

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

Hello. Hello, welcome to another episode of Stubborn Love. I am so psyched for this episode today because we have Doctor Kristie Overstreet and not a lot of people know this, but I have been like a fan girl of her for quite a while. And so I just feel, you know, like the coolest person ever to be able to have her on the show today. So she's a clinical sexologist, a psychotherapist, the host of her own podcast Fix Yourself first and she's got a freaking book.

Like she's just going wild with bunches of things, bunches of projects and really what she specializes in is helping women get emotional and physical intimacy without sacrificing their needs. Doesn't that sound great? So, we will actually be focusing on the more intimacy part of her work today as we want to talk about how to restore bedrooms that have just lost the spark.

So I'm super excited to dive into this topic. But before we go there, Doctor Kristie Overstreet, can you introduce yourself to the audience and kind of let them know your journey to where you got today.

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Yeah, Paige, thanks so much for having me. I'm just as excited to be here with you and folks to talk about all things intimacy and sex and just a little bit about my story. The quick version is my plan was never to be a sex, the therapist, especially where I grew up in South Georgia, very rural, very conservative. We still don't say sex in that town and you definitely ain't having it right, which we know everyone is.

But coming from this very conservative background, I, my plan was to go into medicine. So I went through school, was doing all the things, checking all the boxes, how I was supposed to and then I went away to medical school and after my first year just faced the biggest amount of failure. It wasn't going how I planned. I wasn't sitting in the way I needed to do and really hit rock bottom.

And I had to go through my own acceptance of failure and have this full reset and there was many meltdowns to the process. But thank goodness, I had to support a family that says we love you and care about you get home reset. And with doing that, I started a job with the state and worked with Child Protective Services and met a therapist for the first time and I'd never known therapy even existed.

We just didn't have it anywhere around where I grew up didn't know it was a thing. And something in me just quick, I was like, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. So I jumped all in worked three jobs, went to grad school, became a therapist. And very quickly realized in my first job in a dual diagnosis rehab center that people struggle to talk about sex, including myself, even though I was real comfortable with sex with friends.

But with clients and in group settings, it was difficult. And through that work, I realized that I've got to get more training that along with working with the LGBT Q I A plus community, realizing the things they were going through that so many people that were not in the community were going through went into private practice, honed in my skills and said, I've got to get a specialty.

So jumped into a doctor program for sex therapy in Florida at the time being one of the only states that required you to be do a certification. So fast forward, learned all that I can that I still learn every day about sex and having those conversations, helping people find intimacy. And definitely regardless of where you're at honing in about what your needs are.

And here I am again, 16 plus years later, you would, I still find it really hard to believe Paige that I'm a sex therapist. Like I still don't even tell like in my hometown when I go visit, I was recently at a funeral and I had someone come up and said, oh, Christy, I love your book or I read that article or I can't believe I saw it on Facebook and I'm like, wait a minute, you were a teacher of mine in high school and my cheeks just go red because it shows how common, let's say shame.

But maybe the embarrassment around sex still comes up for me. And this is what I do all day. So why would we think that it's, you know, not coming up for most other people too?

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

I love that. You share that, like, there's kind of this natural reaction that you have of, of like this innate, like kind of knee jerk. Oh, oh, sex. And I'm, I'm, I'm talking about it and you're listening to me and like, but, you know, we have this dynamic of, like you were my teacher growing up, like, how can you look to me for this type of? So, I, I love that you're sharing, that piece of it and, and something that stuck out to me as you were talking is that you say that you still learn about

sex every day too, even as a sex therapist. And I think that's really, eye opening because I guess, like, that kind of just proves the point. You can't learn at all. Like you just don't know, like there's always going to be something new. Right.

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Absolutely. And the neat thing about it. I say neat thing about it is, yeah. You know, there's positions, there's pleasure, there's things that all that. But what I learned the most every day is connected directly to our biggest sex organ, which is our mind and our brain. It's the thoughts, it's the feelings of the emotion. It's the things that come up when we think about sex, when we look at the expectation, when our partner initiates and we're like, yeah, I'm not in the mood.

What does that say about me or? Yeah, that's where we have to put more energy into what's going on between our ears as it relates to sex, sex expectations and intimacy. And that's where we will never learn at all. Thank goodness.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach, Dr. Kristie Overstreet

That's what keeps it fresh and exciting, right?

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

Our brain is just always changing and so malleable. So, I didn't realize how important the brain was when it comes to sex. So you're saying like, when it's not really about like the physical mechanics of it, you know, sure, that does help, you know, with, people who have female genitalia lubrication that can be

helpful for sex and that can maybe make it work quote easier. But you're saying that the mind is the biggest like driving force behind having better sex or more connected sex.

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Yeah, it is because that's where our and I say it's where it's not like it's a pinpointed space, but that's where our thoughts are related and our thoughts a lot of times is our, our own narrative of what we tell ourselves about ourselves as well as what narrative we've developed from other stories about us. And that's why our sexual template that starts very young.

We start getting fed these messages about what's OK and not. Ok. For an example, growing up where I was, you definitely didn't have sex before marriage. You, you saved yourself. If you had sex, it was a sin, you're going to hell and you can only have sex with someone who is opposite of you. You can't have same sex relationships because that is, it's horrible and damning you to hell as well.

And so there's all these me and that's just a snapshot of messages that we receive that you're not supposed to touch yourself. That's nasty. It's dirty. There's this explicit thing that if you, if you talk about it, what's wrong with you or if you have sex, you're gonna get pregnant and then you're gonna be that girl and good girls don't do that. So all of us, regardless of where we're located in the world, we receive these messages about what's ok and not OK about relationships and

sex and our bodies. And growing up, we don't think about it cognitively. We just ingest it in and we believe it right. And then it becomes our sexual template and that's why it's so important as we become more aware as we want to work on ourselves that we start rewritten those parts of our template that are no longer serving us or maybe never serving us. But we didn't know until now.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

Right. Right. And so I guess I kind of have two questions out of that. How do we know these messages aren't serving us anymore? Like what's the kind of like big sign for someone to know that, that sexual template that we've grown up with or that we now have is not working for us anymore.

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Well, a lot of times you'll say, ok, what is it about me? That's not working. What am I saying? I'm not comfortable with sex or I'm not supposed to do this or I'm having a feeling of shame, embarrassment or not worthy or not good enough. So we have to look at what feelings we're having around our body, sex and even our relationships who we like, who we like, who we love and who we want to have sex with.

And if we're noticing that that fat is not working for us, that it's producing more shame, more devaluation, more feeling of not good about us, we can say, wait a minute, what is that thought? And then when we examine that thought, we can say, wait a minute, is this my fault or did it come from somewhere else? Oh Dang. Yeah. It came from what I was told growing up. What? So and so told me that really negative experience, that trauma experience that I went through whatever it was, you can

trace back and say it's not as important to know exactly where it came from but have an idea and say, ok, I need to rewrite this. I want to rewrite this because it's not serving me anymore. If it's causing a problem, it's probably not serving you. So, what you do is just jump in there and examine a little bit and decide if you want to change it up or not because you have 100% power to do that.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

Yeah. Have you ever worked with clients who are maybe resistant, to changing the template or they know that it's maybe hurtful or harmful to their sexual, being in some way but still, like stuck and being able to change it and, or not wanting to change it because of some sort of reason.

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Yeah. Absolutely. And a lot of times it's not because they're, they're not conscious that wait a minute, this isn't as much serving. It's just, this is how it is and they're so rooted in that because it's happened for so long and the way I approach it is. Well, of course, it's how you feel, of course you don't want to change it or of course you're not sure if you want to change it.

You know what? That's ok. The part of my approach is always meeting them where they're at and if they're at that place stuck. Come on, settle right next to them and say, all right, let's stay set together when you're tired of being stuck or if it's bothering you enough, then we can work on it when you're ready. Oh, ok. This is coming up for you. What do you think? You may be a little bit ready or what would it feel like? How do you know when you're ready to move through this?

A little bit? So really empowering the person to say? Yeah, I'm there because just because me as the person guiding them or helping them through this, it doesn't matter if I'm ready for them or not or if I think they're ready, if they're not showing up at that place to be ready to take just one small step, it's not the time. So letting them know, hey, yeah, I'm ready to do just a little bit. What, how can I dip my toes into this? And then we find a plan for that.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

Hm. That warms my heart hearing how supportive your approach is for clients because this is a very touchy topic for a lot of people where there, there can be a lot of embarrassment or shame and I love how you're, you're not like trying to speed up the process or trying to force them into something, you know, faster than they're ready for.

That sounds so helpful for them. One thing that came up for me is So you talked about, you know, we have to examine are these messages helpful or not? And then we have to rewrite the sexual template. But where do we even like, what is the process to rewriting that template?

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Yeah, it's, it's an undertaking, meaning it's not something like, OK, let me just rewrite it. It's a process which means it's gonna take a little bit of time, which automatically means we're gonna have to give ourselves grace through going with it and not have an unrealistic expectation of. I'm gonna heal myself by rewriting the template.

Like healing is an ongoing process. So with that being said, you start by saying like, what were the messages giving to me as a young child? Was sex. Talked about how did I see physical interaction? What type of relationships were acceptable in my family and in my family system and which ones were taught really negatively about who was shamed in my family if they were and then as a young teen or as a teenager, what messages did I receive around me?

What stuff did I see? Depending on when you existed online, social media. What was talked about all that when I was growing up was not a thing. So it's more of like what was talked around me with school? What was friends group saying about sex? What was OK and not OK. What was the church youth group stance on it? And we examine our our little teenage self, we can say, oh, I remember that happened and oh, ok, I remember that was said, ok.

And so writing them down is key. And so you write those thoughts down or those messages and you move on to young adulthood and wherever you're at now and just your experiences who you're around, what things are really powerful about sex, intimacy and relationships. And I also want to highlight what kind of relationships were OK or not. OK?

Because there may be talked about whether there was lesbian relationships, gay relationships, multiple relationships, cheating and fidelity. How do you see it to be? How was it viewed? And again, we're not supposed to understand this at different developmental spaces. We're just taking information until right now. Right now when we say I want to think about this template a little bit.

So you have to write these, just thoughts out. There's no exact, it has to be a specific way, but you gotta dump them out to get out of your head, which is super important. Then when you have this kind of list of things wrote down, then you can go back and review them and say, gosh, you know, they, I remember them saying so many negative things about Uncle Larry because he wasn't married, he would disappear at times.

And he, it was rumored that he was gay and I remember it was really negative, talked about him and and it was a shame to the family. So did you, and then you say, wait a minute. Well, I don't feel that way. I love Uncle Larry. That's why would they care as an adult looking at that or maybe even as a kid that is you actively rewriting that sexual template as your whole sexuality as a whole sexual self.

So it's important to examine these pivotal parts of your life, not just exam them, but you gotta write them out so that you get outside of yourself and then just kind of go back and look at them and the rewriting of the template continues as we learn more information about ourselves and have more experiences.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

What a process. So you first dump the thoughts out, you get it out of your brain and then you kind of just go into this process of asking why, like I hear a big question is like, why were these people treated differently around me? What was happening and then like tuning into yourself and recognizing how your actual thoughts and feelings were rather than taking in and absorbing the people around you messages? Very cool.

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Yeah, that, that's a big part of it. You know, the other part of it as we examine this is when you look at that list of things you dumped out, you, you also want to look and say what of these were expectations of me, especially when it comes to sexual experiences? Was there something you wrote down that you had a partner who just, you know, their whole focus when y'all were dating was them reaching orgasm or them completely.

And it wasn't a lot of time for you. They really didn't care about you or it ended really abruptly and they said, well, what's wrong with you that it ended abruptly or you couldn't make me last or whatever? Those are those thoughts that come come into us and develop these expectations, which turn into sex, expectations of ourselves. So then we can say, wait a minute, having sex with that person at 18 years old and not having ple, it wasn't even about my pleasure because I didn't even know about pleasure.

I was just trying to have sex because it was enjoyable because they liked me. And that's a big part, especially about wherever you're at with your journey is you start examining like what led me to do that if it was, you know, if it was consensual, maybe I did that because I wanted an emotional connection and I wanted a partner or a boyfriend at the time and they wanted to have sex.

Therefore, I wanted to have sex and it wasn't really about pleasure or connection. It was just about sex and I wanted emotional intimacy and it was just physical intimacy. And a lot of times that will happen in early sexual experiences and continue on to later in life where you're feeling very neglected in that emotional space. And that is one of the big reasons that lead to dead bedrooms.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

Wow. What a, what a picture you just painted about, like really how spiraling into these original sexual templates can impact your current relationships of, you know what sounds like all this anxiety or shame or whatever it may be just kind of getting in the way and blocking you being able to enjoy the experience of sex, whatever that looks like. Wow. So let's kind of like play a little imagination here.

So let's say I'm a client. I come to your office and I say, I don't want to have sex with my partner anymore. You know, we had two kids. that was great and it, it's been, you know, really focused on kids for the past couple of years and it's kind of awkward. I don't know how they even think about physical affection with my partner anymore. What's like the first line of defense that happens when they come to you.

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Well, what I'm saying is, do you want to work on the physical intimacy with your partner? Like it, it's ok if you don't, I just wanna ask like, if it's just you and I in here partners not here if this obviously is between us. Do you want that to improve, change, be different and given that permission to say, yeah, you know what it would be nice. But I can, you know, take it or leave it.

It's not that big of a deal. I'm like, ok, cool. I'm gonna ask next. Do you self pleasure? Do you masturbate? Do you ever touch yourself or find, you know, physical space and, or physical pleasure in that way and depending on what they say they say. Yeah. You know, I'm, I'm, I, I do enjoy that as more enjoyable than actually having sex because I know I don't have to worry about taking care of somebody else and all the reasons why masturbation sometimes is easier depending on the

relationship. So, yeah, so I just wanna make sure that person has permission to say that they don't wanna work on it all. Let's say they do. Let's say they say, yeah, you know what I really want to get back, kids are growing up. I really am coming into my own. I want to enjoy sex. So what I would say is ok. Are you masturbating actually? No. All right.

Let's start there to find out what you like, what feelings come up because it's ok if you're feeling a little ashamed or embarrassed that that's normal. And so then start having that conversation and I wanna be really clear to your audience. I'm not saying that you have to find and jo perfect for yourself masturbation to enjoy good sex. You don't, I'm just saying we go through this process of examining what our thoughts and beliefs are about self touch and pleasure because yes,

it's important for us to know what touch, how we like and how we don't like it. So we can share that with our partner. But it's also really good for us to know for our own selves with our own autonomy of our body.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

I think that's so like paramount to kind of just start with yourself because yourself is you, you have a lot of control over you, your thoughts, how you please yourself. And so like, that's the, I guess kind of like the, an easy segue to be able to, like, enter into thinking about like expanding your reach outside of just yourself.

So let's say, you know, I say to you, yeah, I, I maybe masturbate sometimes and, it's fine but I don't really, you know, know how to actually get myself there. I don't know how to climax even with myself. You know, there's, there's something getting in the way. So how do you even like, start there if an individual is struggling to be able to seek pleasure for themselves?

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Sure. Well, I would start by saying, are there any medical issues? what types of medications are you on and being real clear that I'm not a medical doctor that can talk about medications. But I'm just curious, are you antihistamines or what, you know, depression or anxiety meds are because some do have side effects? and And if that's ringing true for anyone, please talk with your doctor and consult with them about that.

And then I say, you know, if you're having trouble, have you reached climax or have you orgasm? Have you experienced pleasure before by yourself? And I want to know the history. Yes. You know, when I was younger or actually know I have it and then talk about, well, what turns you on, let's just go there next. What turns you on? And they may say, well, I, I don't know.

And so then we say, OK, what about just reading? Reading, you know, erotica is a really big trial, especially for individuals. is, does that turn you on as you're reading, does watching something does listen to something does fantasizing and having replaying a past experience or something that feels good for you. What turns you on are you, you know, focusing on stimulation because we know majority of folks are able to achieve orgasm through cultural or a combo effect.

So, asking that question and then having them answer your turnoffs. Well, they were so low or probably like what turned you off. Well, you know what, I try to masturbate. I have some time for some self pleasure. But, the kids came in the house and I heard the kids downstairs and that disrupts my thought. Or I've got one of the most common reasons is I have 1000 things in my mind.

I can't quiet my mind and if we can't find a space in our mind, You know I'm saying, space and not quiet because our minds just can't go quiet. It's gonna be really hard to connect with our bodies. And that's one of the biggest problems that majority of people, especially women struggle with is being present in their bodies and turn their mind down enough to connect.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

So you're saying a lot of experience for women is we can't get out of our own head and that's preventing us from pleasure. Ok. So how do we get into our bodies and out of our minds then?

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Yeah. Well, what you can start with is starting with being intentional, meaning, you know what I am, whether it's whether you're looking at solo masturbation, whether you're looking with a partner or partners just saying, you know what in this experience I'm about to have, I'm gonna be as intentional as possible. I know it sounds funny and like, wait a minute though, you mean you're talking?

Yeah, like you have to start ahead of time just like foreplay. We have to start way ahead of time. We start foreplay before we get into the bedroom or wherever you're having sex. So to get into your mind to say, you know, I'm gonna be intentional. I'm setting my space up the best I can. I'm locking the doors. I know. So and so is gonna be out of the house or I know that some someone's taking care of so I can be here with my partner or partners and then focus on your body, giving yourself

permission. I know this sounds wild. But for me, I just want to say no, I'm giving myself permission to enjoy this period of time or enjoy this time that we're about to have sex so that I'm I'm moving everything away that I'm like, I'm just gonna permission to relax my body. So in that space of relaxing, you can do the five senses, body scan. Wait a minute right now.

The mono, what am I hearing? What am I feeling? What am I experience? What am I smelling? What am I tasting to bring yourself back to your body? And then if the thoughts are pervasive, you can just start treating the thoughts that are going through your mind just like clouds passing by. Well, it's just passing by whatever's passing in my head.

I just keep letting it pass. There's not anything gonna pop in my brain that I'm like, oh my gosh. If I don't write this down, I'm never gonna remember it again because it will come back again. Just let it roll and allow yourself to just sink into your body and into the space. It takes a little bit of practice and it, that no one has an expectation that they're gonna do that 10 out of 10 times because that's just not how we work So we have to tell ourselves in our mind, we have to just think of

turning the volume down to maybe a one or two or maybe it started at a 10 versus all the way off. That just doesn't happen. So when you're realistic with yourself, you can give yourself permission a little bit easier and quicker.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

I like as you were talking, I was like, what's so important about giving permission And you explained it so beautifully of like what it really provides you. being able to give you really that space to tune in to yourself. So, OK, we're in the bedroom or I'm in the bedroom as a solo person. Did the five senses. I'm kind of tuned into. All right. I can let that thought go. I can let that thought go just like a passing cloud. What's the next step to start exploring?

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Well, what you wanna do is start literally exploring your bodies. If depending on your level of comfort, start in a space that's not one of your erogenous zones. Maybe it's touching your thighs a little bit or touching around your chest or whatever, might feel a little bit good for you. And that's where the experimentation takes place. Also, you can use props other than your hand or fingers, whether it's a toy, whether it's a feather, whether it's something that's got some

prickly ends, like a scarf, like a clothes pin, like whatever you can get your hands on to be an extension of your hand, but not be your literal hand is really important and it, you don't have to go buy anything, just use something nearby. It will give a different sensation than obviously your fingers or hand just to start lightly, great your body in different places.

It may not be erogenous for you that may just help relax you or give you a little bit of a turn on and when you're ready or if you're ready, you can move to more of those erogenous areas of your body and that can be done with a toy or a prop or whatever you would like to do to just start seeing what might feel good or of course your fingers or your hands.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

And so, you know, I'm kind of imagining someone who might have experienced a lot of shame about self pleasure or trying to have sex. And so you're kind of going through this exploration and you finally get to an erogenous zone. And then I can imagine someone getting like a flood of shameful thoughts or embarrassing thoughts. Like what, what's the step there when that comes in?

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Well, that's where two things can happen. Number one call in your brain as far as like, wait a minute, it's ok. It's ok. It's ok that I'm doing this. I have control over my body. I get to decide I'm by myself. This is pleasurable. I wanted to give it a try again back to that permission. The second part is, you know, go into a story in your head.

Do you have some, some other type of audio thought or visual clue to help you kind of go back to your body? Maybe it's listening to something, maybe it's watching something, maybe it's telling yourself a story or erotica in your head or a fantasy in your head that can help pull you out and get you back into the moment.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

Oh Wow. Those are some really quick tips to be able to like get you back in. I love those.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach, Dr. Kristie Overstreet

OK, so we're kind of doing this process of exploring erogenous zones and what, what are kind of like the next steps that you usually hear from clients, like after they start that process, what's most common after they finally get to explore the erogenous zones, they're either con able to continue and reach some type of climax or end point for them or they're able to say, you know what that felt good.

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

I'm just gonna stop there. I feel a little bit braver in doing it and they'll try a little bit more or further the next time. I encourage people to look at it as just blowing off steam. When you blow off steam. There's not like an end point, right? You're like, OK, I feel a little bit better. So I want you to look at it that way than trying to reach some pinnacle summit, top of the mountain orgasm or completion or finish.

Because if you do that, you're putting like this goal on the end and you're putting more pressure and the expectations come even higher and that can lock your brain up even more. So again, think of this as a journey, you're gonna have a lot of different opportunities in your life to practice touch and masturbation. So looking at, OK, I gave it a try, I'll do it again sometime soon or I'll try it again soon. If you feel like you don't wanna go further, you can stop at any time. It's super

important that we remember the power we have over our, our own bodies and that we control it now. And I know those people who have gone through especially sexual trauma in the past or in any type of abuse, the feeling of ownership of your body and body autonomy is taking away from you. So I know it's really hard and difficult. So you're gonna go through your own ups and downs around that. But this is a great way to start rebracing yourself or maybe for the first time.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

Yeah, I love how you describe it more of as a journey rather than like this end point because when you make it sound like the an end point, if the goal is orgasm or climax, then one that's really hard to meet every time because you may not be in the ideal conditions every single time you may not have like this intentionality every time you're trying to self pleasure or pleasure with partner or partners.

So I, I like how you kind of like just shift that mindset of this is just an experience. Let's see what I can enjoy out of it. So cool. Now, so you kind of talked about how you're exploring erogenous zones with yourself. Is that kind of the same process that when we have partners involved or like what does it look like if we're trying to reintegrate any type of, you know, sexual touch.

Actually, I think maybe I need to even start somewhere else because if let's say you're working with a couple and you know, maybe they kiss sometimes, and hugging can still feel a little bit awkward, but really, there's nothing past those physical things.

Where do you recommend a couple like them start in terms of trying to reignite that spark to eventually have sex as that, you know, goal for them?

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Sure. And with saying this, we know every couple is different, every experience is different. Every dynamic is totally different. But it, what I would say is I just want to make sure both of you do want to work on the physical intimacy outside of touching and kissing is everybody. Is that something you and if you don't, that's OK too and really give that permission to say, you know what?

Yeah, I could take it or leave it. But yeah, I wanna please my partner. So, ok, I'll give it a go. So get both people's buy-in really to make sure we can continue on and if they're like, yeah, we do want to work on this after making sure of that and, and really saying, ok, what's been holding y'all back each individual? what's kind of been getting in the way for you?

And they may say, I don't know, I just, you know, and I'm saying, ok, well, let's talk about something. Tell me, are there any, you know, stress going on? Are there any difficulties with finance that almost everybody deals with? Is there conflict with parenting or you have you got the sickness in the family? Like what's going on from the stress levels for y'all and what's going on for the medical levels for y'all, meaning medications, diagnosis, mental health diagnosis, like

checking on all that. So then we say, ok, these factors definitely play into it. So it's not that either of you are flawed, these things play into, it doesn't mean you can't move forward. But I also want to set that so that they both know that it's not the other person's fault or the other person's responsibility, it's both shared as a group. So when that happens, it's, it's super important.

So if they're like, yes, we wanna work on this. We want to do this. Then I wanna look at the history. How long has it been since y'all had sex? What was it like when you first got together? How has it changed? Because it does for everybody and just get a little bit of history to find out if there's any events that happened along that point was there in fidelity cheating, emotional cheating, like clearing out all that and seeing where that adds into it.

But if we get down to the nuts and bolts and they're like, all right, we wanna do this more. Ok, cool. So then we wanna say if you had an ideal time to have sex, when would it be? So you have one partner? Like, oh, I gotta have any sex any time. Ok. Good for you. What about other partner or partners? Well, you know what I am. So I'm so exhausted at night.

Like it has just not happened. I'm lucky to land in the bed in one piece and go to bed. All right. So that partner for this period, we're talking about having sex at night might be the table for right now. Not forever, but for right now. And they say, you know what? I have a little bit more energy in the morning before I get in the shower to get ready for work.

I wanna make sure, you know, I'm not clean and then have sex like whatever it might be for them. OK. So maybe you're a morning person again. Not forever. Just this period we're talking about. So how cause sometimes, sometimes it's more common than not that couples are opposite. You have one couple like no, I want sex at the end of the day to blow off steam so I can fall asleep and the other partner is like, oh my gosh, like I don't even wanna see you at the end of the day.

So I'm like, yeah, probably no one's having sex, right? Like that's just nothing happened. So we had to first evaluate when ideal times again for listeners are like, but wait a minute. That means we have to plan it out and schedule. It's not as much scheduling and planning out as it is intention. I'm not saying you can't like the idea of scheduling and having an idea of an insect, it's called intentional and anything we want, we gotta put effort into it and this is what you wanna work

on. We wanna bring this like you both are putting effort. So we look at the time. The other thing we do is start creating an agreement or this pact as a couple, what it looks like is, you know, what if one of the other initiate sex and the other partner is like, yeah, I'm not in the mood or I'm just not feeling it right now. We're not gonna take it personal. We're not gonna take it as if this is some big jab you're making at me, we remove the emotion because as you know, sex is can be very

emotional. There's a lot of emotions tied to it because there's a lot of thoughts tied to it. So the thoughts are what produces the feelings around and the behavior. So we have that pack. So that removes some pressure. And then we say, ok, since we're putting this pack together, we're also gonna say we got some possible options. So then we look at building a buffet, a sexual buffet. Yes. Yes.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

Tell us more. Yes.

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Yes. Yes. Yes. I love a sexual buffet and a buffet just in my house might mean more than two options, right? Like, oh you can have this, you can have this, that's a buffet or maybe this and 20 options. So there's no judgment on how big or small your buffet is size does not matter what, what a buffet option is is saying, hey, I wanna switch something out or I might like a little of this today.

But then next week you may try this again and I'm like, yeah, I'm not in the mood for that. Let's grab something else. Just like when we go to a buffet, we may get a little of this, go back to a little of that or we may not touch anything and then next month we might go to the same and try that new dish. So having a sexual buffet gives us options of all types of sexual play to choose from how we integrate. That is when it's like, in my, like one partner saying, hey, like, I'm really in the mood and

the other person's like, you know what, I'm not, maybe I don't wanna have, penetrative sex right now. But you know what I can, I'm down for oral sex. I can give you a blow job. Would that work actually? Yeah, that'd be awesome. Ok, let's do it. Or you know what I'm in mood for this but not that you take and go and leave what you want without tying up emotion in that.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

I love that. And from what it sounds like if you have this sexual buffet to choose from, you're more inclined to be able to just like, really, like, kind of go for it, go for what your actual need in that moment is rather than kind of like, well, this is how we've always done it. This is what I'm supposed to do. You're actually like, looking inward and, and getting to a burning desire and you have that freedom with a sexual buffet. How freaking cool.

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Yeah. And it's important to continue to add to that without pressure because obviously one partner is like, oh, I wanna try this and the partners like, yeah, that is not on the buffet. We're not putting that on the buffet. Don't ever bring that up again. And that's ok. Too. So we have to have grace with one another. And what options are. And it's not like you have to write all this down.

It needs to be some freedom around creativity with this, you know, masturbation can be on the buffet, mutual masturbation can be on the buffet just having, you know, foreplay like and there's so many options to be on that buffet. The key to this is because it all sounds like, ok, great. Let's all get buffets. The key is we want to keep some equality within the relationship.

And what I mean by equality is one of the biggest issues that people come in with is this desire difference, right? One person's wanting more sex than the others. That's totally understandable, totally normal. We're not the same person like we're not the same two people or three or 400 men in the relationship dynamics. So we're gonna be different.

We really have to expect that it doesn't have to mean complete boredom though. It can mean, you know what? Maybe this is where I'm at, maybe this is where you're at. I'm gonna meet you with where you're at and you've got some equality around needs equality initiation, not exactly equal 24 7, but some type of equality imbalance because the different factors affect that the other thing with the balance is the the balance has got to start way before the bedroom and that means sure,

equality, meaning there is equal emotional burden sharing. There's equal chore sharing, there's equality in that household. This does not mean everyone has to match each other 24 7. But it's the flow. Some days someone's given 70 the other's 30 the next day or the next couple of days, the other's given 80. Nos given 20. It's the flow of the balance versus consistently more days.

And not one person's given 80 does given 20. If you got one person carrying all the task of the home, I have one client that, the frustration is that she's doing all the work around the house. She's doing all the pickup and all the things. And the partner is just really taking advantage of that and finding her voice to speak up. And of course, she's pushing away sexually because she's not really into him at all right now because of that.

So, you know, it's the equality outside the bedroom is so super important and, and we neglect that a lot of times. So that's for the conversation and it's for a bigger conversation. We can't cover it all today, but just talking about, hey, I need some help. Oh, sure. I know exactly the way to load the dishwasher and I do it and my partner doesn't know how to load the dishwasher.

However, if I'm gonna be resentful because they're not helping and he comes around and says you need to load the dishwasher. Absolutely. Thank you. You're wonderful. And you move on, we have to look at our own control issues around chore quality too because that's a big issue and that shows up in our bedroom.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

Ah, I am like, floored right now, like, with you bringing up all of this because I didn't realize how much of an impact of feeling this unequal load of carrying the weight of chores or, or what have you outside of the bedroom can really impact like our desire of wanting to be intimate or not.

And then on the, like, I love that you also talked about like that control issue too because I know a lot of us, we like things done a certain way and we have these expectations and although it may not be a sex expectation, it kind of feeds into it almost of like it must be done this way.

So I love that you kind of do like some helping your clients have that internal dialogue with yourself of does it really need to be done this specific way or does it just need to be done and can then you just enjoy like your, your time together with, with your partner being able to help with that task?

I love that man. When, when you kind of tell clients talking about the making sure that things are equal, like what are their reactions? Are they kind of like surprised also? Or like, how do they take this?

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

It depends on the relationship. There's a lot of partners that are like, yes, absolutely. I need help. I've been trying to tell them and then you have the other partners, like, but I help out, I do things, you know, I, I, I do the yard. Ok. We need a little bit more than the yard. The yard is valid, but we need some help in other areas too. Especially when it comes to that emotional load if you and, and yes, it's helping one another out, but it all starts with the individual in that couple.

So again, that of the control, you can't get resentful and blaming and frustrated if you're not vocalizing in an assertive way, what your needs are, your partner cannot read your mind. And we, and just because we got brains, we get really unrealistic in those expectations and we test partners and we to see if they're going to rise to the occasion.

That's so unfair and it really leaves us in a space of not getting our needs met anyway. So it's almost like, you know, you're tripping yourself up unless you say what is my personal responsibility? And am I vocalizing that?

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

Yeah. Ok. So it's really important to look and see if we're kind of just self sabotaging the whole situation by trying to expect our partner to read our mind while not voicing our needs clearly or at all. Wow, man.

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Or, or even one of the thing around that too is we may have told them, hey, this is what I need for some individuals at certain parts of their life. They have to hear more than once this happens all the time. Like I, I can tell Rob, hey, I need this and he's like, wait, what did you say? Oh yeah, you were in the other room. Like how would you know, because I didn't look at you and say, hey, I know this is important.

So we also can't be like, well, I told them and they didn't do it. Therefore I got a reason to be mad. That's self sabotage because you're not setting them up for success, you're setting them up for failure, which means you're gonna fail.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

Wow, this is also impactful. I'm loving all of these things that we're getting into today. Are there. So we kind of talked about sharing the burden of making sure things are equal outside of the bedroom. Is there any other like big area that you look at to be able to help couples kind of restore those dead bedrooms?

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Well, a big one is to look at those expectations of self, right? And, and fear of upsetting their partner. So that's a big one. If I speak up about, I don't really like this or it's a turn off, then it's gonna be conflict. They're gonna be mad. I'm gonna hurt their feelings. I care about them. I don't want to hurt their feelings, they're gonna take it as if they're not good enough.

So I'm not saying none of that's not possibly true for that scenario. But the problem is it's this idea that if you don't let them know in some kind of way, if you have a conversation about it, you're gonna be unsatisfied, therefore you're gonna push away and they're not gonna get their, your partner who you're worried about conflict with. They're not enjoying the quality of, you know, being with you in the first place.

So it's, it's looking and saying, you know what the focus has and for a lot of individuals, some get this, some don't get this is they think if I just show up and have sex three days a week, my partner's happy when actually their partner would rather have them have less sex and it be quality sex versus this quantity. Number of sex is one of the most common questions I get asked is how, nor how frequent should we be having sex?

I'm like, “well, how much do you wanna have?”

“Well, I wanna have it five days a week.”

“Ok. Are you ready for your partner to not really be into it?”

“Yeah.”

“They can lay there five days a week. Is that good for you?”

“No, I wouldn't want to be into it.”

I'm like, “well, they're not you.”

Ok? So we have to be realistic and they say what if it was less and it was quality enjoyable for both of you. Oh, yes, I would take that.

So then saying what is quality sex? Well, it means someone a little bit of enthusiasm. It means someone's moving and not just lying there or someone. Actually, it would be quality if my partner initiated and I didn't have to those little and I say little meaning simple things to recognize oftentimes get buried and if you just kind of grab on to those, you will see a better connection because focusing on quality enjoyment for both of you will outweigh quantity and number any day.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

Mic drop. So focus on the quality, make sure it's good for both of you and the way to do that is to be clear and voice your needs. What a concept.

You know, it's like I hear a lot of similarities like with how you approach sex and trying to help people get the kind of sex lives they want is really the approach that you take with like other conflicts that come up, you voice your needs, you communicate about it, you talk about, you know, what works best for everybody.

Like these are like similar concepts. It sounds like that you apply in other, you know, couple problem situations.

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

Absolutely. The why we don't do that a lot of times is Paige, it's sex. Sex is supposed to be this different thing that's taboo that we don't talk about that. We're not supposed to bring up that we're supposed to be these magical creatures to enjoy once we get to this point and we, we've made it so emotional and big and scary and we put so much weight into it.

No wonder we're not having good, enjoyable quality sex because we've made it almost impossible with our expectations and our thoughts and our shame.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

Man. So, I, I know, like, for me, I had even struggled in the past to, you know, I thought I was having really good sex before. But then once I started voicing like literally saying like, hey, do this, do that, do this like one, I found that my partner really enjoyed that. They liked hearing directions from me. And I think that like eases probably a lot of anxiety for the partner who's like doing, you know, whatever giving activity it is. And then the person who is like saying, do this do

that gets all that freaking pleasure because you're literally voicing exactly what you want. Oh, so cool. Well, as we wrap up here for our talk today, is there any like last piece of words of wisdom around sex that you would like to leave listeners, you know, as they're probably a approaching this idea of, you know, reintegrating sex into their lives again or wanting to have, you know, better, more connected sex. What would you like to say to them?

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

No one's sexual self is supposed to look like the person next to him. Meaning there's not a, you have to look a certain way. You have to be a certain way. Sex has to be a certain way. Your relationship has to be a certain way. We're bombarded by the media, social media. Our neighborhoods, people are around about this expectation of what we're supposed to be doing and it just does not fit for everybody and it's not supposed to.

Yours is an individualized part of who you are. That's incredible and amazing and does not deserve to be judged by your harsh thoughts about it or anyone else's. So it's really taking an embrace. And it's saying I am a sexual being regardless of who I am, even if you're not having sex, you don't have to have sex to be a sexual being. You truly are a sexual being. And that is ok.

We've got to stop comparing ourselves and our relationships to others because that leaves us feeling depleted and really missing the intentionality of being in the moment with ourselves. And we only get this journey once. So just as we, we're looking to embrace our confidence, how we feel about ourselves. We have to bring in and allow our sexual self to have space too.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

Hm What a very comforting message like that sounds like it's really fueled by compassion. So lovely. Thank you so much for this conversation today. It has been so eye opening for me even as someone who works frequently on the sex topic and I know this will be so valuable to so many listeners.

So I'm so happy that you were able to dive into this with me today. If people really enjoyed what you had to say or they want to learn more about you or even work with you, like, what's the, the best way for people to get in touch?

Dr. Kristie Overstreet

They can connect with me on Instagram @Kristie_Overstreet or go to my website https://drkristieoverstreet.com/ and just reach out, let me know what's happening with you. And I'll let you know if I can support you and give you a resource to help out. And thank you for having me Paige. I enjoy the conversation. Thank you for the work you're doing.

Paige Bond, Relationship Coach

Oh, thank you so much. All right listeners. I'll have all of the links that she just talked about in the show notes. So you can be able to connect with her on Instagram website, hop on our email list and get all her good freebie stuff and you can connect that way. Thank you so much. And until next time take care of yourself.