Reconnect and Repair Your Relationship
Summary
In this episode, Dr. Terrie Lewine emphasizes the importance of collaboration, meeting the needs of both partners, and structured apologies.
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In this episode, you’ll learn about:
The pivotal role of empathy in resolving conflicts and nurturing emotional safety.
The importance of collaborative problem-solving and meeting the needs of both partners.
Structured apologies: a game-changer in conflict resolution.
How to explore what your own needs are not being met in a conflict
Dr. Terrie Lewine’s work is based in Nonviolent Communication. She’s found it to be the deepest self- awareness work out there while simultaneously offers the simplest yet most comprehensive set of skills to help you create relationships of your dreams. Mixing NVC with evolutionary psychology and a deep understanding of biochemistry, neurobiology and somatics, Terrie guides people in navigating conflict, resentments or resignation with ease.
Resources from this episode
https://www.cnvc.org/
Noteworthy quotes from this episode:
“I am responsible not for how you feel, because I can't possibly know the meaning you're gonna make of everything I say, but I will be responsible to it. Meaning, I will be available [for that conversation] if you let me know what happened for you when I said this thing [that caused a disconnection], but I won't take responsibility for it.”
“We want to blame someone for how I feel. It's much easier than me thinking through all of what's happened to me in my life and becoming responsible that I don't want to blame myself, but I will blame you.”
Connect with Terrie
Website: www.getbacktolife.org
IG: @drterrie
FB: https://www.facebook.com/terrie.lewine
Connect with Paige Bond
Instagram: @paigebondcoaching
Facebook: @paigebondcoaching
Website: www.paigebond.com
Paige Bond hosts the Stubborn Love podcast, is a Licensed Marriage Therapist, and is a Polyamory Relationship Coach. Her mission is to help people-pleasing millennials navigate non-monogamy so they can tame their jealousy and love with ease. Her own journey from feeling lonely, insecure, and jealous to feeling empowered and reassured is what fuels her passion to help other people-pleasers to conquer jealousy and embrace love.
Free Jealousy Workbook:
http://www.paigebond.com/calm-the-chaos-jealousy-workbook-download
Free People Pleasing Workbook:
https://www.paigebond.com/people-pleasing-workbook
Disclaimer: This podcast and communication through our email are not meant to serve as professional advice or therapy. If you are in need of mental health support, you are encouraged to connect with a licensed mental health professional to receive the support needed.
Mental Health Resources:National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling.
Intro music by Coma-Media on pixabay.com
Transcript
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Hello and welcome back to another episode of Stubborn Love. I'm your host, Paige Bond and we have a very special guest today. Their name is Terry and you know what? They are a coach in something called nonviolent communication. And so, if you haven't heard of what nonviolent communication, we're gonna get into it today. It's something that has been really instrumental in my practice with couples work and can help you really get down to the meat and potatoes about, you know,
what's not being said most of the time. So I want to introduce you to our guest. So, Terry, why don't you talk a little bit about yourself and give listeners a taste of how you got on this journey to be a nonviolent communication coach?
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
Thank you. Well, it seems like maybe it's an odd journey. I began my work in the healing arts as a chiropractor. And although my, the kind of chiropractic that I practiced was transformational, it wasn't so much like for back pain and that kind of stuff. So my mind was already there and when I opened up 25 years ago, I was stunned by how many people were chronically not.
Well, whether it was emotionally unhappy or physically unhappy. And so within two years, I kind of went on a quest to understand how is it that we're growing unhealthy unhappy people? And I landed on we need community. And then one of the struggles I discovered is community is hard for us because we can't really do community very well. We can't talk to each other.
We fight, we do all that kind of stuff. And that led me on a quest of all kinds of things like how do people relate? Well, and ultimately, long story short, I landed on nonviolent communication, this body of work developed by a man named Marshall Rosenberg. and it seemed to me to be the magic bullet for people to own responsibility for the experience that they have and care about the experience that someone else is having.
And if you do this work, like re it's very simple. There's a structure to it, but it seems to be to me to be one of the deepest ways to become self-aware and then share that with others in ways that they might be interested in supporting you and having the life you want and give you skills to support your partner in having the life that they want to have. And we'll talk about it more.
But so long story short, I retired from Chiropractic and because people were asking for this work and it, I think it's sort of more me, it's a weed rather than an I. And, you know, I just adore the work. I do. I consider it sacred and, you know, being invited in. I'm guessing, you understand, being invited into people's most intimate difficulties is just sacred work.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
And it really sounds so transformational to everybody involved in these conversations doing it, the method with nonviolent communication. And, well, I think what stood stood out to me is you're saying that this is actually really simple once you get the grasp of it. So I'm so excited to talk more about that. Can, can we go into maybe like what the structure or method of nonviolent communication is?
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
Yeah. Well, there's a few structures in there and one is that, let's see, I'll start with this, the four components, which are the kind of the only things you say, which sounds very simple. It's a little bit more people think it's very constricted until they start practicing. But you'll say an observation, you'll tell people how you feel.
So an observation is a versus an interpretation like what actually happened, what somebody actually said or did versus your interpretation of that or assessment of that, then you tell them how you feel, not how they made you feel, but how you feel, then ultimately, it's needs based that everything we say and do is based on needs being met or unmet and we're trying to meet our needs, so, becoming very needs literate and we can talk about that and then once we know what our needs are
like, why am I upset or why am I joyous? Is because, and if I'm upset once I know what they are, I can make a request that will meet the need rather than a demand because in some kind of vague, you have to do this so I can be happy. So it's very freeing for all the people involved, although it seems constricting.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Well, is something that stood out to me in, in this process, you said you want to tell people how you feel and you said making sure how you feel, not how they made you feel. Can you talk about the differences between those?
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
Yeah, because I'm a communication coach primarily like the content doesn't matter. It's like this is what you say, whether you're talking about a transgression or like what to have for dinner. The language like these very nuanced things like you made me feel or it made me feel a is not true and b it kind of gives your power away. It's like, no, I feel this for because of my filters because of how I was raised because of the meaning I make of what you just said.
So my feelings are unique to me. Your feelings are unique to you and especially like here's an example. I have a friend who, you know, he's a male person identifies as male and I'm me. And if somebody says to me, hey, Terry, you look skinny today. I feel happy and joyous and safe and wonderful. He feels enraged. The words are the same. So that's a quick example of the meaning that that person makes of you look skinny and the meaning I make of you look skinny.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Yeah. Yeah. So it's really all about interpretation and how we kind of like whenever we take something in how we interpret it and then how we again communicate how we interpreted it too.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
Yeah. Often humans are plagued with, I project my thoughts onto you and then I fight with it and it will never end. But once I become responsible for my feelings, then the conversation is much more free and I get curious about the meaning they intended, right? So in this day and age we talk about impact, think of it this way. I am responsible not for how you feel because I can't possibly know the meaning you're gonna make of everything I say.
But in this work, I will be responsible to it, meaning I will be available if you let me know what happened for you. When I said this thing, I'm up for that conversation, but I won't take responsibility for it.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
How can people get that mixed up sometimes? Because I can see where people can find like that. That line is probably very thin for some. How do they not get into the responsible for people's feelings? Like, what are some examples when you've seen people feeling responsible for feelings or wanting their other person to be responsible?
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
I think the other person, usually the listener wants, wants to make somebody else responsible and I'll, I'll give you, I think one of the reasons why I'm sure there are many, but we live in a culture that likes to find fault. We like to blame, right? That's what we do. One of the key contextual shifts in nonviolent communication requires that we drop out of blame.
And so because our culture is power over generally and we want to blame someone for how I feel. It's much easier than me, you know, thinking through all what's happened to me in my life and becoming again responsible that I don't want to blame myself, although some people do, but I will blame you. So we often hear blame, blame back or hear blame, blame ourselves.
That's what we generally do. And so since I don't want to be at fault, I want you to be at fault. And that's kind of like if you cared about me, you wouldn't have said that. And ultimately, in a long term relationship, I do think there's room for shifting what I say because I care about my partner and I know their history and all that stuff. So it's not so cut and dry.
But what I'm offering is a structure in which you can hold space for each other. Right. So, it's not about at never really caring and saying anything. I want to anybody I want because they're responsible for their own feelings. No, that's what I mean. I'm responsible to it. And so, you know, if my partner tells me that, you know, they had a childhood racked, you know, like every time somebody cursed, they got hit, I might just find it easy to not
curse. So it's just easier. But I don't do it because I should or anything like that. I do it because I can't meets my own need for their well-being and our quality of connection.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Oh, I thought that is very interesting what you said, like it's meeting my own need to help my partner have their needs met. That is so impactful.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
Yes. The NBC is needs based and everything I say and do is to meet a need of my own now to contribute. We are pack animals and I want to contribute. I want to know that what I'm doing means something to you, but we don't do things for other people. See in the way that I would nuance the language. I do it to meet my need to contribute to their life or for their well-being.
And so I always want to discern what, what needs of my own. I am trying to meet by anything I say and do. Even if it's making you dinner or, you know, taking care of you or something like that, it's really meeting my own need.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Wow. I think, that is something that needs to be taught in like relationship school. this, this sounds so important and, one thing I want to go back to you kind of made that comment about how it, it's not in VC if you're saying it in a form of OK, well, if you cared about me, you would do XYZ. So if someone's kind of projecting that onto their partner and saying, well, if you cared about me, what would be the nonviolent communication form of saying that statement?
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
Well, if somebody said it to me, if you cared about me, you would be, you would go to bed with me at 10 p.m. You know, we would go to bed together and it's like the first thing I would say is thank you for telling me, you know, I like to, you know, I'm really glad to know who you are. I value honesty, I value open, you know, so I would thank them for what they were sharing with me, their difficulties.
Then I might say I do care about you and I work till 11. So I'm not gonna be able to show you care in that way. Here's five ways that I think I contribute to caring about you. I, you know, I earn money. We go out on Sundays, we spend time together and you know, with your family. So is it possible for us to come up with agreements about what I will and won't do?
I just can't say yes to your strategy. And so from a structure, an NVC structure way point of view, the need for is a for care is a need for me to care about you is a strategy partners. People are strategies to meet needs. And so even if I don't care about you, I want to know like if I, if you don't care about me, I wanna know it and I might pick a different partner, but the need for care, I'm gonna hold on to tightly how I, how we agree that I might experience that in our relationship.
I'm gonna get as creative as I can and come up with as many ways as I can because it's an and everyone's freer. But if I am insisting that you must go to bed at 10, I'm gonna not have a happy life unless or like I'm, yes, I won't and then my partner won't because they're burned with trying to go to bed at 10. You know, either they don't want to go to sleep or they're not home, you know, it's just a big struggle.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Yeah. Yeah, I really love how this sounds like a more collaborative process rather than OK, I'm just telling you this thing and then not doing anything about it. It's really you working together with each other to try to find something that satisfies all parties involved.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
Exactly the way that I might say it. And I have a, you know, another kind of structure where it's, you know, the three objectives, one is dropping out of blame, seeing the humanness of another person. The second one is that I can, that all people's needs matter equally. So my needs matter, your needs matter equally. And I don't, I'm gonna hold on tightly to meeting my needs.
I will not meet your needs at the cost of my own. Meaning, let's say I won't quit my job so I can go to bed at 10 with you. But I care so and I care that I want you to know that. So that's how we navigate in. There's no real compromise at the level of need. We just have to get creative with the strategies. Yeah. So I, when I'm asking people for things want to make sure that I understand what needs of theirs are getting that by saying yes to me.
That sounds a little back and forth. But I think you got it. I want to know that their needs are getting met in every moment, when they're in relationship with me. So me and my partner, you know, we've been together a long time. We've had lots of different kinds of agreements that, you know, there's this freedom that we have is I want his needs met. And so I trust that every day that he's in a relationship with me, it's because needs are met.
Not because we got married, which we actually aren't. But we said we would like that. I, there's no should, there's a whole bunch of hopes he stays. But I know that every day he's here, he's, he's free and he's choosing to be in a relationship with me because it serves his life.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Yeah. It's about choices. I hear.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
And I think that's a hard place for couples to get to. It's sort of like, well, we're married now and husband and wife, this is what we do and this is, you know, here's the rules and they're kind of random and, you know, all of, and if you junker up with the same rules, it gets kind of complicated and tight.
Yeah. And if you break the rules, then you're in the blame shame. You know, thing, you broke the rules, you better apologize to me and then people don't mean it, it just gets fraught with blame and, and shoulds and, you know, you like this connection that goes away, it just starts dwindling away.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
And I'm wondering now that you kind of mentioned talking about the, the whole blame game and then going into apologies and not meaning it. Is there a structured way to use nonviolent communication to apologize to people. Yeah.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
How do you do that? There is we call it morning mourning and the way that I would do it is, let's say I did something to you page that, you know, you're really struggling with and you tell me and so what I might say is hearing you say that you're telling me what you're distressed about, you know, I really regret, you know, any way that I've contributed to your distress.
And you know what I was hoping, I can I give you an example from my own life years ago. So, my partner and I like, I valued honesty. I would say that. But if he would tell me something, I didn't like he would, I would yell at him. How dare you say that? You know, you're blah, blah, blah and this, that and the other thing. And so I learned over time that that was not a great strategy for honesty and so moving, you know, we're trying to get out of that and I learned that thing and so many times over
and over I would, he would maybe not tell me something and I would discover it and I would get nervous. But what I would say was, you know, I really regret having contributed to you not wanting to tell me that thing about your life. I value honesty. I value partnership. And I, so what we do is we go in the past, what I was, yeah. What I the need I was hoping to meet in the past was, you know, a sense of, bonded.
So we have tragic ways to meet our needs. So, and what, you know, so that's how I apologize. I regret the impact on my behavior on you because it doesn't meet my own need for partnership or care or honesty or being what I would call your safe place to land. So that's how I say it. Not because I did it wrong because it doesn't meet my needs.
And there's an impact on someone I care about so deeply that is distressing. And so I don't make it by fault. I don't blame myself, but I do acknowledge, you know, I really wished I could have done it better. Five years ago, I wished I knew. Yeah, I didn't.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
So I hear it's like you taking responsibility for your part in the issue and recognizing that it's not necessarily that you need to blame yourself or that you need to go into a shame spiral where you're saying you're such a bad partner or I'm a bad partner to you. I should have done. It's not going into all of that mess. It's saying, man, you know what I really value XYZ in a relationship and I realized my action was not acting in accordance with those values here. Let's try to fix that.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
Exactly. You said it way more succinctly than I did. Thank you.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Well, we need your explanation. So we don't need succinct. I, I'll be the succinct one and we need your long explanation so we can figure it out. So I'm very curious because I, I saw on your website you work with individuals with couples families and even businesses.
I, I'm wondering if there's like a complicated case that stands out to you or like maybe a more complicated structure. Like I, I imagine that it might be easier to work with individuals rather than multiple people involved.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
I don't know, I, I think the workplace is not more complicated. It's just unusual because this is such a people aren't used to revealing themselves and sharing themselves so deeply with each other. Some people are like, they don't even do it with their partner. So they're gonna come to work and say, oh I feel this way because you did that and, and the other piece about organizations and business is that there is a hierarchy, right?
So NBC is about power with and some organizations that would hire me, they really value that they really value collaboration and cooperation. And generally, I mean, I don't think I've ever worked no matter how aggressive they are in a company where one person can fire another and another, you know, and another person can't fire. So how do they, how do the people who really, who are generally the bosses who want to be collaborative how do you do it in a way that's productive, that's
efficient. And that acknowledges that there is actually a hierarchy here. And how do you still speak to needs? And people, you know, and how do you weave in this trust that you're, that a person who a person who isn't at the top, their security needs would be met because often, you know, we can do these workshops well, you know, all day, every day and they still might not say something because they're afraid or in a, in a business, it also happens in partnerships.
You know, I'm guessing, you know, that we bring in our own set of filters. And so, you know, I do couples or work with couples and you know, people think they're saying everything and they just really aren't, they don't even know what they're not saying. It takes a long time to kind of peel back the layers and really reveal some people. It's almost impossible for them to really connect and do real intimacy or at least intimacy in the way they are.
They don't even know what that word means. Like they mean two different things to the two couples. So it can get complicated and with when I work with couples. The first, one of the many first things I say, one of the things I include in the beginning is it is not my job to keep you together. That's not why we're doing the work, right. My job is for you to learn to talk to each other.
Show up, tell the truth about feelings and needs not your truth about your opinion and see if you want to be together. Like, are you playing the same game? Can you? And either you'll choose with care that this kind of partnership that you already have, which might be marriage and partnership and intimacy and all that stuff, or maybe there's a better relationship that would be more exciting and happy for you.
And I don't know if people love me saying that or they're sort of wanting to, they wanna stay together. And it requires doing the work. It really requires, I'm sure, you know, people practicing between sessions, learning these skills and actually implementing them, literally implementing them. I'm repeating that everybody because you want to implement the skills, not just know them.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach, Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Yes, the knowledge does not make the change happen, wanna change what you're already doing if you really want to change a relationship.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
And I have, I do find that it is while it may be challenging, it is so rewarding. It is, you know, like if you have two years or one year really trying to do something differently than you have been, it's kind of hard and messy and you have to go back and what I meant last night or two weeks ago, but once you kind of get it down, oh you have years and years of just delightful relating.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Yeah. Oh, I love that phrase. Delightful relating. That is gorgeous. I, I want to go back to something you said about, doing the work and something that popped out to me because I have a main clientele that I work with trying to figure out how to navigate their non monogamous relationship, whether they want to be in one, how to explore it and how to do it. You know, a way that's healthy for both of them.
And something that comes up often is people have a hard time really identifying what their needs are or as a second step off of that, how to express needs. So I'm curious for you, for the clients you work with where they're not really sure what even their needs are. How do you even help them start that process to identify?
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
I have a few different ways. One is, I think we all have like core needs, right? So regardless of my relationship, regardless of what I'm talking about, there are needs that sort of are the touchstones for my happy life. So for me, one is inspire. I'm right here. I'm looking, I've made artwork of all my core needs. Inspiration is right in front of me.
Like beauty is one for me. Actually, safety is one, they're usually not very practical, but they are things that if I find myself not very happy for a period of time, I'll look and see what my touchstones are. And it's like, where, where is that missing for me. So that's that piece. Then I encourage couples to do a needs assessment before they, you know, either once they're in a relationship or quite frankly before, but that rarely happens.
And so let's say I want adventure. I love adventure. I'm going and I'm, you know, climbing hills, the mountains. And for me, it would be like, you know, crossing the street. But for others, they really love adventure. So when they're talking to each other and making agreements with each other, it's like it would be I love adventure, but I have my buddies.
I don't need you to come with me, but I do want you to talk about my stories or no, I really, I'm looking for a partnership where you climb that mountain with me. I want us to share that or I want to travel with my partner. I do not want to travel with my friends and come home and, but it's different. And so I'm not 100% sure that is answering your questions, but that's how I would navigate it.
Getting to know my needs is it is, it was difficult for me. They just never made sense in the beginning. And it's like no, this word companionship, it's not big enough for how angry I am at you. It's like I don't but I think there's a way to, it's about repetition and one of the ways that I do it is I'll run people through a process where they are ex exquisitely happy, whether it's a day, a two week period, a year or they watched a movie and then, then I have a needs list and circle every single
need that was met in that moment, every single one with wild abandon. And then we go through a, you know, a few week process of really reducing them down to a few words and that have deep meaning that they're juicy like cooking, reduce it down, you know, like it has a lot of flavor in there. So if I have joy and fun and pleasure, which one of those words really encap for this person would encapsulate all of them.
So you're not remembering 40 words, you're just like, yeah. And so it is really about practicing and checking in and asking what need of yours is, you know, what's the need underneath that? There's a thing in nonviolent communication. One of the another structure which is basically all we're doing is empathy or honesty and empathy is not empathy in my work is whether it's for myself or another is really helping them connect to the need behind their rage or their anger or their
disappointment or my own. And before I know that and so one way there's a simple here, I'll give you one simple thing that everyone can practice if they're, if they're outwardly angry people, like I have been in my life, you don't have to do this deep kind of meditation. What's my, it's just like if I'm angry I tend to think that somebody or something outside of me did something wrong.
So that's the first thing. Oh, they did that wrong. They shouldn't have said that. So it's like, ok, well, what should they have? The first question is what should they have said? Well, they should have said this and it's like, ok, what experience if they said that I could do, how would I feel and why? Because there's a need for respect or care or compassion.
And so I'm like three questions later. I know what my need is. And yes, it's a little bit of a process because we're not used to it. But ultimately most people can connect to their needs. It's rough for some people. Some people really have a rough time just really connecting to them. To me, they've become life preservers. I want to get to my needs as fast as I possibly can because I want to get out of the story about how bad somebody is because I'm just suffering.
So I won't go to a friend who's gonna agree with me about how bad my partner was. I'm gonna go to somebody who can connect me to my needs so I can get, so I can make a request and get out and get my needs met.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
And sounds like really the people to go to in those situations would be either number one, first line of defense is yourself because you know, yourself best or the other person, you're having that conflict with me.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach, Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
And maybe they can help you identify what was missing or help you see a different perspective if they are, you know, sometimes people are so struggling between each other that it's especially if I'm mad at you, it's hard for you to be the one that gives me empathy because you're so upset about the thing I just said.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
But yes, ultimately, that's what we want, we want, you know, if there is no blame, we can talk about anything if I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying, oh my God, you know what I mean? It mean what you did last night, you wouldn't believe it, then they might be able to hear it. But if I believe that what I think is true and they have to defend, they are going to defend and then we will never get out of the argument.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Hm. So it's almost like looking at yourself as like, because I imagine how we interact in conversations. We just think everything that we think our opinions are actually facts and we kind of have to let that mindset go that our in opinion, our interpretation of things are not facts, that's not what's happening in the situation.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
Maybe, maybe not. That's where the observation comes in. We might, and it doesn't even always happen. We might agree that you said dinner was horrible. The fact that you always put me down, we probably not agree. Here's another one and this, I think will also be helpful. There are a list of nonfeeling words. So I, I'm sure you hear things like you abandoned me.
LA when you abandoned me last night at the party. So that's not what they did. It's like when you went into the kitchen last night for 10 minutes, that's what they did. And we don't feel abandoned, we feel sad, we feel scared, we feel hurt because if I say to you, I feel abandoned. What I'm saying in English is you abandon me. And so now just for the purposes of communication you're gonna defend. No, I didn't. Well, yes, you did. Well, no, I didn't. I just went to the kitchen for 10 minutes,
you know. So this, it's not about getting it right. It's about having, being able to talk about anything we want. And so basically we're just checking, is someone moving closer to me by what I'm saying? Or are they moving further away? I mean, it's so, from a simple way, that's, it is if I'm trying to communicate something to somebody else, are they leaning in or are they, is their hair blowing back and, and they're moving further away?
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I want to go back to the, the, I feel abandoned. It kind of sounds more like when, when you're saying I feel abandoned instead of taking ownership of, I, I felt sad when you left in to the kitchen while I had to deal with everybody else. The, I feel abandoned is again, pointing that finger and doing the blame game. Is that right?
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
That's exactly correct. Yeah. Even when we don't mean it, we don't mean it, this is where the language and practice comes in. You know, where I feel betrayed or I feel used or I, you know, I feel any of those kinds of words, there's a list that I have up on my website.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Wow. Is there? because I'm, I'm sure in your line of work that you've probably met people who identify as highly sensitive people and have a tough time, being able to talk about these more difficult, intimate, deeper conversations. And I'm wondering if like, there's a different way you help them learn how to approach that or, or the people who are around them, helping them, how to approach them if they're identifying as a highly sensitive person.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
Well, I love this question and I probably could talk about it for a half hour, but I'll say it, me personally, I think we're all highly sensitive people and I think just some of us have, you know, we, our way is to not show it my dad screamed at everybody. But I think only because, you know, he was one of the most sensitive people and every now and then you got to see that and it's like, whoa, that guy cares.
But, you know, he would say it by calling you a moron. So, you know, so, so he wouldn't say he identifies as sensitive, he'd be saying the opposite but is very, and then there's the people, you know, I'm not, you know, where they're sensitive and it's, it's again, partly it, I would have to, I would have to have a conversation with them. Like, what do they mean by that?
Do they feel hurt? Are they, like, can they take responsibility for the meaning they're making of things? And again, I don't know, it's like, well, I'm sensitive. So you probably shouldn't say these things to me because I'm sensitive and it's like, yeah, maybe I can, you know, kind of be really mindful of what that means, but I don't even know what that really means.
It's like, what are you asking me for specifically? Are you saying don't raise your voice? Tone of voice? I'm sure you have it in your work. People respond to tone of voice and it's like, ok, you know, I, from the northeast and I, I, and in my work, I just have a kind of a louder voice and I'm a kind of, they speak quickly and that northeast thing and so I've even been in coach and we're like, oh, can you slow it down and get a little quieter?
And I'm like, ok, you know, that's something it's like, yes, I have to be very much I can sitting in a room silent and it's too much for some people. So I have to really pull it in and be mindful of why I'm doing it. I'm not doing it for them, but I do it because I want our work to be effective or I want this relationship to go well or so, I don't know if that's the most direct answer to your question.
Sometimes people say I want to feel emotionally safe and that's a longer story. I think we're always emotionally safe. We just have, we don't want what that means to me is I, I don't wanna talk unless people are gonna agree with me and I am not in a position to handle. Now again, I would say I really want some ease that's different than being emotionally safe. Look, I do not want all this a, I do not want this level of you of, you know, my hair blowing back when you talk to me.
That's a specific request. I want the tone of voice to come down the speed but emotionally safe is a big conversation for me. Physical safety, get out of the room, the different things and it's, it, I hear it quite often in my work, I'm not emotionally safe, especially maybe in the workplace and it's like, ok, what do you think is gonna happen? And what are you asking for?
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
I love that.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
Yeah, because I don't think I want to be held to agreeing with you, but I might, you know, speak slower or take breaks, you know, every 10 minutes so you can process the things that I've said, you know, like I care about your well-being and your, your, your ability to process information and feeling. Yeah. that you have space to say whatever you want.
Right? So if people get in trouble, like, if I, again referring to my relationship with my partner told me his truth and, you know, and then he got a 45 minute lecture on why he shouldn't have said that he was emotionally safe. It was just not interesting or fun or, you know, any of those things. So I'll leave it there.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Yeah. Thank you so much for bringing up that mindset shift with that because I do hear that a lot in my sessions with couples of, well, I don't feel safe enough to bring this up because I'm afraid that they'll raise their voice or I'm afraid that, you know, they'll throw a tea pot at the couch or something and to scare me or they'll leave me.
Yes. That's a big one too. They might. So, I, I love how it sounds like nonviolent communication is really about helping you take responsibility for your own needs, for your own feelings and for communicating them clearly to other people and caring about theirs equally.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
But I just wanna make sure that part's in there because often, you know, it seems like, oh, so distant and mean spirit and I get to say no, I, I care about yours equally. It's not one sided. So we're all doing that. We're all doing that and making agreements, agreements, agreements.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Oh This has been a really lovely conversation. I, I've read the book a long time ago, nonviolent communication, but this was a really great refresher. And now I want to read the book again because he got me all excited about it.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach, Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
So, yeah, I, so I've really appreciated this conversation is before we wrap up today, is there anything else that you want to leave listeners with any last word of wisdom or piece of advice that you have when you're using language don't use static language like he is she is we are, you know, that was, it's more like when that happened I felt.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
So it's fluid language versus static language that might be helpful. So if I'm saying, you know, you are a blah, blah, blah, it's like, well, not really when you did this thing, I felt this way and then, and one other one, I'll give you two replace half to any time we say have to, I have to go. I gotta get off the phone. I gotta, I can't get, you know, I can't come to your class tonight.
Replace it with. I don't want to like, say what's true because we can, I can go to your class tonight. I'm just choosing something else and we don't, this is one of the very small ways that I don't say it's not true. I can come, I just prioritize, I wanna get off the phone because, you know, my friend Ralph is calling from California. I haven't talked to him in 10 years and I could just call you right back in three minutes again.
That's another one. But replace, choose to or I want to. Versus I have to. It's, it's not easy. A because it's a habit and b, because we're afraid of all these other things. What I can't tell my partner, I don't want to talk to them right now.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
It's practicing honesty.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
Yeah. And it's a very simple thing. It's like, it doesn't mean I don't care about you or I don't love you or I don't love this conversation. It's just this person's calling from far away and I don't want to pay the long distance, I guess. No one. He does long distance, but whatever I'm old, I forgot. But, yeah, I just wanna talk to them because I have an agreement that we would talk at nine. Right.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Right. I love that.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
It could be so simple. Or, you know, I'm I'm in your class. I'm gonna have to leave early. No, you don't. I want to leave early because why? Because I have this art class and then we can all celebrate that you're doing art. Yeah, I don't have to like, we're afraid that I'll be upset that you want to do the art class. But it's like no awesome.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
You may even get support.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
So creativity would be the need they're getting met. So those are two things. Stop static language or replace, have to with choose to or want to gorgeous.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
I mean, you, you gave even way more tips than that. So you, you just gave us so many things to work with and try to work on to be able to help our communication from this show. If people really liked what you had to say or just want to check out your work more. Where can people find you?
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
My website is www dot Get back to life dot org. All words to not the number two. So www dot Get back to life dot org. I have a lot of free resources. I have a few online classes, communication, basics and like some things to help people out very inexpensive. I also they can sign up for my blog which I, you know, I do this, I write about these things all the time so they can just get that in the mail once a week or every two weeks. So that's how we do it.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
Amazing. You just give tons of resources away. I love it. And I will have all of those links in the show notes. So listeners will be able to grab that and hop on your list or you know, do do anything to stay in touch. So, thank you so much for this conversation today, Terry.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach, Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
It has been wonderful, so easy to talk to you.
Dr. Terrie Lewine, NVC Coach
Thank you very much.
Paige Bond, Relationship Expert
You're welcome, my try. All right listeners. I will have all of those links in the show notes. Thank you for listening to today's episode on nonviolent Communication.
