Rock, Relationships, and Real Advice
Show Notes
Dive deep into love, communication, and advice where Nate shares insights delving deep into the core of trust in relationships. He outlines how the bonds within a band mirror the trust required in partnerships. Whether it's trusting your bandmates on stage or your partner in life, the foundation is the same: understanding, respect, and relying on each other.
Key takeaways from the episode:
Why compatibility is crucial for dating success
The significance of shared interests and mutual respect in fostering strong relationships.
Understanding how trust operates at the core of any relationship, exploring ways to build and maintain it
How band dynamics are a masterclass in successful dating strategies
Nathaniel has been giving online relationship advice since 1992 when he discovered a text-only bulletin board with a "relationships" forum. After moving around to various social media sites he has found a new home on Reddit where thousands of people have been given his free advice. Nathaniel is not a licensed therapist. If you need the help of a professional you should seek one out ASAP.
Noteworthy quotes from this episode:
[17:14] “What advice would you give to someone who's really resistant to [compromise]? I would ask them why they got married. What did they want out of marriage? Did they just want somebody that lives with them? They could have sex with or maybe make babies with? Is that all marriage is to them if that's what they want then there's somebody out there for them, but it's not their [partner].
[32:00] “...that also establishes trust when you can let your partner be heard. You're giving them safety, you're giving them, ‘hey, it's a nonjudgmental place for your deepest darkest secrets or desires or shames to be heard by me. Your trusted loved one.’”
Connect with Nathaniel
Call into the show at Tel: 412-254-4829. Phone is only answered during live stream. Voice mails are not reviewed before deletion.
Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/therelationshipsmith
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@therelationshipsmith
Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRelationshipSmith/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/Relationsmith
Discord: Available every streaming show!
Website - https://www.therelationshipsmith.com/
Connect with Paige
Instagram: @paigebondcoaching
Facebook: @paigebondcoaching
Website: www.paigebond.com
Paige Bond hosts the Stubborn Love podcast, is a Licensed Marriage Therapist, and is a Polyamory Relationship Coach. Her mission is to help people-pleasing millennials navigate non-monogamy so they can tame their jealousy and love with ease. Her own journey from feeling lonely, insecure, and jealous to feeling empowered and reassured is what fuels her passion to help other people-pleasers to conquer jealousy and embrace love.
Free Jealousy Workbook:
http://www.paigebond.com/calm-the-chaos-jealousy-workbook-download
Free People Pleasing Workbook:
https://www.paigebond.com/people-pleasing-workbook
Disclaimer: This podcast and communication through our email are not meant to serve as professional advice or therapy. If you are in need of mental health support, you are encouraged to connect with a licensed mental health professional to receive the support needed.
Mental Health Resources:National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling.
Intro music by Coma-Media on pixabay.com
Transcript
(generated by AI - please excuse errors)
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Welcome back to another episode of Stubborn Love today. We have a special guest with someone that I've actually interacted with on their show. So today I have Nathaniel Bell who I met on the relationship Smith show. It's a super fun call in advice show to help you with, you know, whatever relationship issues you've got going on.
They also do like read of either different advice columns or Reddit posts on, hey, what should I do about this issue in my relationship? And they address it on the show live. So it's a lot of fun. So, Nathaniel Bell, thank you so much for being here. I'm really happy to have you before we dive into our whole topic today with our listeners. Can you give the listeners like an introduction to who you are and how you got to where you are today?
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
Gladly. But first, I was wondering if we could talk about rock and roll.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show, Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Yes, always because it sounds like it to be intro.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
You want to talk about rock and roll and then, then it doesn't I, I just, I wanted to acknowledge that, that I can talk about rock and roll, but I will talk about me first if you like. Yeah. So I'll tell you again my name. Thank you for that very awesome introduction. I wanted to first, thank you for letting me be here. I'm a huge fan of yours. I love the work you do.
I love the people. You help you help our show by offering your sensible and professional opinions whenever possible. Help keep me grounded. So thank you. You helped make my life better and my show better. So thank you again. And, and so to tell people what I do is for a long time, for decades, I've been that guy on the internet who gives relationship advice and it started before the internet really even had graphics.
It was a text only. Bulletin board system and it was usually under 25 year olds who wanted to know how to find people or how to maintain relationships. And as the internet moved on and I moved on and eventually through, you know, the myspace is and the friends stores and all the different social media apps. I've constantly been doing this, but on Reddit, I love the fact that there are so many different subs and types of people with different types of relationship questions and, and
so many types of relationships out there, which is one of the reasons I love working with you is that you acknowledge these people as real people who have real relationships and real commitments. And I love the fact that I get to help everybody on Reddit, which is nice. And also it's not all we don't just do romantic relationships, we do familiar, we'll do work relationships.
How do I get an advancement? You know, how do I get, how do I get that raise? I've always wanted because you know, myself and Zaz have both worked in an office environment for decades as well. He, he, he's not quite at the level I was but he's up there. I was an it director so I know how to help people with professional situations. And I just, I, I get a lot of it's not pleasure I feel fulfilled when I get to help other people in my life and the things I've learned I get to hopefully pass on.
And also I, I am very fascinated by this stuff. I read up on it and I try to get involved in other things. So it's not anecdotal evidence. And I love it when people check in with me to let me know, hey, that was good advice. Or I tried this instead and this worked. I like hearing back from people because I just want to do a good job. And I did touch on this.
I, I touch on it often is I'm not the only person people should listen to. my opinion is one person's opinion. and, and, and they should always look for more. I'm not a trained professional. I'm not a licensed therapist. and I always try to recognize that when I talk to people, I also try to get them to people like you who are licensed therapist who can't help them in a very, in an intimate way first. A, I have a question and then the relationship Smith gives them an answer.
It's, it's, it's a little more sterile than I don't have the full picture. I never have the other person's, input, what's, what they think is going on and it's much harder. I just try to help triage the problem, I think and then push them in the right directions. Does that make sense? Yeah, I wanna help people, but I also don't want to pretend to be a therapist either.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Right? I hear you saying it's like very different than a back and forth conversational dialogue. Whereas you're really seen as, hey, this is my opinion. This is how I think you could get out of this crisis that you're in. Here's my advice and they choose to take it or not.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
Yeah, a lot of my advice is either learn new rules, communicate, find somebody who can help you communicate, find people that can help you with you. Sometimes it's not the problem with the relationship. It's a problem with an individual in the relationship. and sometimes it's the poster and they don't even see it. I'm like, well, wait a minute, you might want to back up and, and look at yourself a little bit because, yes, I believe you have a problem with your partner.
But is that problem is something that you could work on too. And, yeah, I, I, that often gets more push back then. just that your partner is the problem, which I try to avoid since the partner is not there to get my advice.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Yeah. Well, we always want to be the hero in our own story. No one wants to be the villain. Right.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
Yes, very much so.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Yeah. And I kind of want to go back to really how you've developed this over time, you know, from, from what I've seen and how I've seen you answer like different questions or different requests for advice. You're a pretty damn good advice giver. So there, there has to have been something you're welcome. There has to have been something that has helped you improve over time. And I'm wondering like if you know what that is or if you could think of what that might be.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
If I had to give a one word answer, it would be repetition. Iii I repeat myself a lot and I, I'm trying to think of the best way to put this early on. My advice was questionable. At best. I could get people that dates. I could help fix small problems in relationships. I could keep a relationship going just by saying, think about it this way. I'm really good at black and wedding issues and I think I helped a lot of people in the early days.
But as I started going around, I found I was repeating myself a lot because a lot of situations have very similar answers. Learn how to communicate. Don't be afraid to talk about what's important to you. You are not wrong for wanting something. The, the, that I have, the, I call them rules. They would probably be better if I use the word agreement.
But I have dating rules. Don't date somebody, who doesn't trust you don't don't date somebody who doesn't trust you don't date someone. You don't trust, or the one and two, like they, they're one and two. Most of the problem, the early problems, relationship problems that young redditors, you know, she doesn't like me going out with my friends.
She calls me every 10 minutes. I'm like, well, you don't want to date this person because they don't trust you. It never gets better. So I started coming up with those answers, but then I started thinking about what I really wanted to say with those answers because in a textual format, I only have so long before people get bored. And I'm a long winded typer anyway.
So I try to get to do a headline which will catch their eye and then I get to the meat of the subject. And then usually at the end, I wrap it all up with the first thing I said, which is usually the basic rule of don't date somebody doesn't trust you or you know, it's ok to feel how you feel, learn how to communicate. Those those started off and then I get into it and then I try to wrap it back.
If you go ahead and learn how to communicate, then you will find that, you know, the stuff I've said makes a little more sense. So look into that. So it became II I was being repetitive in a good way and I refined that this message is down to the point where I'm actually thinking of writing a book where those are the chapter titles. And what I mean, where I start from the beginning of trying to find somebody to, to date you that, that you are compatible with is like, chapter two.
Like, oh, fine. You got a date. Do you get along? Because there's a lot of people who get a date and they think that's it. I'm gonna get married. You gotta find out if it's a good relationship and it's ok if it's not, there's a lot of advice that they give out there that is not all relationships are meant to work. If you think about all the people on this earth you have met and how many you actually talk to, once a year, very, very subset of that, that amount of people you've talked to.
So you don't always have these relationships with people and just because you got along for a little bit, it doesn't mean that you get along in the long term that you have the same interest or relationships to me are about building a future together. If you have different directions, you wanna go, that relationship won't work out. Love is not going to fix that if you want 10 kids and she wants zero kids.
I'm sorry, it's not a match if you like attention poured on you, be it sexual or, or any type of love language you like and your partner's not into that or can't do that. It doesn't feel comfortable with it. You're not compatible. It's ok that you wanna have sex all the time. It's ok that they don't, it just means you probably shouldn't be together unless you can come to a very good compromise.
And also compromise is ok, sometimes in, in fact, most relationships are full of compromise. It's not necessarily telling somebody what to do. It is. I think this is a good idea. I think that's a bad idea of where we meet in the middle where we're both happy and we both respect each other and we show respect to each other. So it became one of those things where as I'm writing the book in my head, my advice started changing to follow the chapters a little bit.
So the next step after dating is engagement, moving in together marriage. You know, there's also breaking up in the subchapter before all of those. Like when is it OK to end, you know, having kids up until, you know, da divorce, dating after divorce. So anytime, wherever you are in your life, I'm trying to get advice to try to get you over those hurdles.
And there's so many unique situations, especially now with Polly. That's not now. I shouldn't say that Polly was a thing in the nineties when I first started giving advice, it just, you know, it was a little more niche and hidden. I wanna say, I'm sure that many people were doing it but you didn't find them in, in the numbers or, you know, very popular subreddit groups and, and, you know, all the things that, that are now being talked about thankfully in the open, I get to join in and
try to tailor my advice too. So, that's, that's what's changing. It's, it's the amount of advice I can give and learning kind of what works and what people listen to and also what to stay away from. Because I, if I went back, if I could read stuff I wrote in say 2004, I would be probably embarrassed, not just with the typos and for spelling because I didn't have chrome to fix my, my bad spelling skills.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
So, ok, so here's kind of a question. What advice would you give yourself to the person back then giving advice early on.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
It's something that, my producer, Zaz tells me all the time. Actually, it is, you don't know the whole story. And sometimes I forget, I don't know the whole story now. I, I forget it occasionally now and that's what Zaz is great about. He reminds me, he's like, you only see what they're telling you. And I'm, and I, I know that instinctively, but I try to see through it.
I try to fill in the blanks. He's like, sometimes you fill in the blanks wrong, you know, I'm like, you're right. I do. So he's like, why not? So that like when I was, a lot younger and earlier into this, I think I would have benefited from having that advice going. Remember, you're only seeing what they're typing and also what they're typing today, how they feel tomorrow could be very different. So that, that would be my number one thing.
Just, you know, you're, you also, you, you're not a God. You know, how about you? Kill the attitude a little bit. So, I, I don't know if it's a me thing or a people thing. But in my twenties I was, I thought I was right. Way more than I should. I, I had, I still had that teenager hold over that. All adults are stupid and I know everything. I still had some of that in my twenties, I'm sure.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Yeah. Well, now, at this age you've kind of done a lot of introspection of your own and realized that, well, you don't know it all, even as we're at the oldest part of our lives right now in this moment, we still don't know at all.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
Yeah. And that's a good thing. I love that. I love learning new things. I love encountering new ideas. and I don't understand people who don't honestly, this is the way it is or that's the way it always was and the world's better, it was better back in the day. I'm like, it wasn't, I live through a lot of it. Now, now when people say back in my day, they're about my age and they're wrong. It wasn't better. I had better things I get to hang out outside a lot more.
I got to do things I loved doing. But kids today are just fine. The world, as long as we don't blow it up, the world's fine. there's gonna be some give and take and loss and hate and, you know, the side of whatever politics you don't like, might win a couple and your side might win a couple. It's all in flux and it always will be just keep working for what you believe in and stay true to what you think and how you feel.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
See, I didn't even ask you to give advice and here you are just giving this like very prophetic advice about viewing the world and living your life and trying to make the best of it.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
I love that to be fair. That's advice for me every day. I think sometimes, sometimes, you know, you want to wake up and just scream and other days like, how can I make it better?
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Yeah. So you would have kind of talking about a lot of ideas for this book that you want to write and I, I love how you kind of went through the, the different phases that we all experience and kind of romantic relationships. One thing that stuck out to me that you were talking about is compromise and I automatically thought of because here's my therapist hat going on. There is a concept that Julie and John Gotman have come up with or talked about as like a very key thing in
relationships that, that make it work. And so you said compromise and that's connected to them, talking about accepting influence from their partner. So if a partner gives you an idea, you don't automatically just shoot it down because you think you're right or because you think it's a dumb idea, you accept the
influence, you learn how to compromise and you find somewhere like you said, you meet in the middle. So I think that's a really beautiful concept. That will be in your book.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
I, I hope so. my wife has made my life better in so many ways because I listen to her. It's hard for me right now. I'm on record as saying and I'll say it here again. If we ever get divorced, she deserves half. She made this life for me. She helped me get here. She helped me do everything she deserves half of this life we built. So like if whatever, you know, I I there's no divorce that I know of coming.
But if that ever happens, I can't go to court and say she doesn't deserve anything. She has kept me sane safe, happy, fulfilled, motivated. Doing the, the relationship Smith show how, how many people can go to their spouse. I wanna do a live call in show on giving relationship advice to their spouse. Not if the spouse go, are you gonna be the first person to call in?
My wife didn't go there? You know, like, she supported me the whole time. She supported me in my last company that I ran for 20 years and never made her rich with. I, she, and, and I had to go out to bars and I hung out with spokes models that were, you know, 21 year old college girls who wore skippy clothing and handed out merchandise for beers. She supported me through all that. There were, of course, you know, issues with your going out too much or, but she knew what I was doing and, and
she knew it was important that I was, I was, being professional and responsible as much as I could. you know, when you're doing a nightlife business as I, as I did on the side a long time ago. So, yeah. And it was her, my listening to her and I didn't always, and I don't always get it right. But her voice is what has helped guide me through most of my adulthood.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Hm. How do you think that may land for people? And I'm kind of only categorizing in my mind, the experiences of people who come in my office and they're in heterosexual relationships. And there's this man who, you know, we can kind of like, quote use as the manly man type and I don't listen to my wife. I know what's best for me and, you know, my wife can't tell me what to do or I think what kind of advice would you say to someone who has maybe that mindset who doesn't really accept the
influence or compromise and like kind of throwing in your own experience on how amazing that's been for you to listen to your wife. Like, what advice would you give to someone who's really resistant to that?
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
I would ask them why they got married. What did they want out of marriage? Did they just want somebody that lives with them? They could have sex with or maybe make babies with? Is that all marriage is to them if that's what they want and what, what, then there's somebody out there for them, but it's not their wife who is probably the reason they're counseling because they, they want more than just to be a, a pincushion to be a baby maker.
They want to be a partner and that's what marriage is. Marriage is a partnership and it's not about you always being right and it's not about you always getting your way and it's not about you, the man and you lead the household unless that's what your wife is into that, I'm not knocking people who love that lifestyle. And there are people who honestly the woman is an accessory in many ways.
It's not for me However, if, if there are two people that love living that way, go live that way, that's awesome. But if you're in counseling, chances are, that's not what's going on. And I would, I would just go with the, why are you married and explore that a little bit more. What did you want out of marriage?
And then hopefully I have inroads to say, well, what did she want out of marriage? And are you able to give that? Are you man enough to put yourself aside and give something to somebody who loves you that you're supposed to love that? Can you put these ideas of manhood to work instead of to avoid?
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
That is so beautifully said. And I love how you're just blunt. You cut to the chase. Like why are you married?
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
That would be the headline on the Reddit response. Why are you married in bold? And then underneath, I would go the, this is what marriage is to you and, and, and yeah, it's, it's also because my posting style. Yeah, because my advice style was born on the internet where I might never hear from that person. So I kind of have to get it all out and I have to grab their attention. So, in a therapeutic setting, you might not want to do it because they could just get up and walk out and like, wait
a minute, I had a second. I was gonna fill in the, but bye. So you, that wouldn't necessarily work, if they're at my house, at a cookout, I'll, I'll still have them before they get the hamburger. So, I could get him there. But, yeah, I don't know if, if I was a therapist, there's probably a lot, I couldn't say that I, I can say is somebody who's not.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
I mean, honestly, what you said is pretty similar to, to what I would say and honestly how I would say it too. I would also ask point blank, why did you get married? Like, what are we doing here? Like, what do you want coming from these sessions? Do you just want your wife to shut up and not complain about, you know, whatever compromise is not happening for you too? Or do you want a loving and connected relationship where you two build a future together? So, yeah, it's that future part.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
I think that I get a lot of people with on the, on the second round, you know, what future are you building? And it's all about, it's, you know, yes, you have a life today but what's going on in 10 years? What's going on in five? What's going on when you retire? Who do you want there? and who do you want to be?
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
That's a big question that I think a lot of people just don't have figured out who do I want to be as I you know, continue going through these different life phases. Right.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
Yeah. But I think you could get them down. So I wanna be a kind person. I want to be a person that respects, the people in my family. I wanna be the person who respects my neighbors. I wanna be the kind of person who makes a promise and people know that it will be fulfilled. And that one, I also get a lot of people with are, because especially with the younger posters, they don't understand that they have when they're an adult, the moment they turn 18 is when I call them an adult and actually
younger, a lot of younger people are adults. They just don't, I don't think it's fair to call them that, you know, like the kids as long as you can avoid responsibility. I know senior, senior, your senior year might suck but have fun with it if you can just try. because it gets worse, it gets harder. You do more work. You don't, you don't get a lunch break for an hour in most jobs, you know.
You know, you don't get home at 330. The younger adults, I often ask them to define who they are. Like a lot of your problems seem to be that you haven't decided if you're the kind of person that will take drugs off a stranger. You haven't decided if you're the kind of person that shows up when they say they will show up. You haven't decided that you're never going to be abused. You know, and, and you get that message. you know, he scared me, he yelled at me. I cried, he pushed me down but he
didn't hit me. I'm like, what kind of person are you? Are you going to let that happen? Are you going to get out? Are you going to at the very least demand therapy, anger management. You don't be the person, like, decide who you are. Do you want the white picket fence or do you want to be the person who's someone's, you know, third ex-wife, whatever it might be, like, decide who you wanna be and try to make that happen. I didn't do it. That's why I bring it up.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Yeah, I mean, we, well, we're great advice givers because we learned from our mistakes and we don't want others to make the same ones we make.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
Right. I was 26 before, my then fiance said get a real job or get a new wife or get a new fiance. And I was like, ok, so I was the best before that I managed the subway for a year and, when I met her, I was a bouncer in a bar. So she had some expectations, that I would do better in life and she made me do it and she was right again, this was the compromise like you're right.
I don't, I had to define myself, and it followed right after my father passed. So I also had more motivation to live up to something he never got to see. He never got to brag about his son.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
That's so tough.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
Well, this son, he had, he had other boys like that, you know, we're probably doing ok at that point. But, yeah, like, like he goes to the VFW to hang out with his buddies. And it's like, yeah, so my kid just got promoted to colonel in the Air Force and my dad's like, ah, I get a discount on subs. So, after he passed, I realized that I needed to make changes and she was the person I listened to that helped me define who I was, who I was gonna be.
So, it was 26. So it's never too late to define yourself. But the sooner you do it, I think the better, even if you don't know if you wanna be a chef or, whatever else you could be in life. a business leader, an entrepreneur, a dentist, whatever you wanna be. You, you, that's another question. But what kind of person are?
You, you could start answering now. And where do you want? What kind of retirement do you wanna have? do you wanna live in the woods in a shack or do you want to have an ok house with a nice backyard? Or do you want an apartment with like you could aim for that now a little bit.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Well, again, it's going back to what you were saying, design your future.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show, Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
You have to have something in your mind that, that you're working towards and that's what relationships are, two people now making that image, that picture of what the future is gonna be.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
It's, it's, yes, it's about the moment and I love you right now and you love me. But what about next year? And you have to think about that at least a little bit. You know, because it's now two people, you can't just coast your life with someone else and expect it to work out.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show, Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
There's communication and work and compromise and listening and, and I'm glad that you bring that up because I was recently talking about the dating scene with a friend and how it's pretty usual for us.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Right. Right now, like living how it's really acceptable for us to date someone for a year, two years, three years, four years and not have these really big important talk about what kind of future that you want together. And it's, it's really baffling to me. I mean, I, I was part of that statistic as well. So, but it's pretty baffling to me how we quote, waste so much time. Maybe it's not wasted. Right. We can learn a lot from it and that's great. You have experiences. Yes.
That's amazing. But if you're going through this whole process, pouring all this energy into someone for years and years and years and not having these big important conversations of what your future looks like. Then what are you doing together? You guys just having a good time, play in house, having fun. So I thought that was really interesting. in terms of, you know, I'm wondering like what kind of dating advice comes to mind as you hear me talk about that.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
Actually, what came to mind are stories of friends who went through that very thing. well into adulthood. Well, 11 years without an engagement ring, a friend of mine who really did want the white picket fence, backyard house in the suburbs, but dated almost exclusively guys who were not into that. So, like her dating choices didn't match what she wanted, in, in the future.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
That's sabotaging the future.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
She, she has that now she's, she's doing amazing. She's always, and the thing was, she was a very high, I think she, at last I checked three degrees. She's, I don't want to give away too much of friends. She's very intelligent, very driven her whole life. has, she's built herself up and very well. I might add now she's in a very stable and loving, good relationship, but it took her a while to get there to realize that maybe don't date these types of guys who aren't into what I'm into.
They might have been beautiful people, they might have been whatever other things she was interested in, the future piece was missing and every, every single time she would get crushed as she tried to settle down more. and it was, it was, it was tough to watch and go through. So I was going through those stories more than advice. My advice is first off, have fun, you know, only be with somebody where you feel good and you're having fun as things get more serious, that fun goes away.
The, the, it's amazing. The one thing I see more than people not even discussing your future. There are a lot of people that don't know the difference between comfortable love and infatuation. So they miss the infatuation stage so terribly that they give up the comfortable love to go back to infatuation to get. It's, yeah, infatuation is the first kiss.
What's better than the first kiss with somebody that you're really into nothing. I mean, it's, it's magic. You can only get there by giving up to safety and a future and comfort. It's the only way that first kiss ever feels, you know, that you could ever do that unless you cheat. And even then there's no, there, there's a risk of getting caught.
But if you're cheating, if you don't, it's not the same like there has to be the thought of a future that, that infatuation and infatuation is about. I wanna get to know everything about you. I want to know what your breath smells like in the morning. I wanna know if you have ear hair. I wanna know like the gross. The good, the, the cute, the bad.
Where do you leave your socks at night? All the things and then once you know those things, well, you're a little disgusted. A little turned off but you're still in love with that person. You want to build a future and it's all those good things and you no longer have a million questions. You're no longer staying up till 4 a.m. talking on the phone.
You know, you already know all the things you've heard. You've heard his stories 20 times and you're not impressed with it the first time, but you're gonna hear 20 more times. It's part of being in a relationship. and they're very, very different things. But I see a lot of people who confuse or who don't know that infatuation turns to love or can let me correct that infatuation can turn to love.
It, sometimes it just turns into co dependence or it just turns off and you move on. So I, I've dealt a lot with a lot of younger people who don't know who they were, never been taught what infatuation is. And that scares me is that it might be an ongoing thing that like, oh, I don't feel in love anymore. Like that's not what you're feeling of. You're not feeling infatuation, you're not feeling lust on that level anymore.
So, that, that's, and that sorry to get back to the point. Yes. my advice have fun at first and then as you move on from the evacuation phase, there has to be trust and you have to develop trust. And your book on jealousy is also something perhaps people should be required to read because you have to get rid of the jealousy too. Jealousy is to me very little.
It's, it's basically telling your partner you think they're a cheater and a liar. If you don't trust, if you act through jealousy and you don't have the trust, you're outright saying, I think you're the kind of person who would cheat on me and lie. So the getting rid of that and replacing with trust to know your partner is a good person. To know you're a good person, even in the worst situation with lots of drinking and lots of available people to do things with your partner won't do it.
They have something in them that makes them a better person to you, whatever it is and, then to work through that. But that's about the time when you should start thinking about your future. Do you want kids? Do you, do you want to live in a large city? Do you want to live in a country? Do you want a dog? Do you, what do you want and discuss that? Get it out there early on, even if you're not talking about a date for the wedding, even if you don't have an engagement ring, talk about what they
think, engage mean and when they would be ready for it, talk about, you know, when marriage would be in your future if at all. and then, you know, don't fight about it. Don't try to change their mind. Find out if you're compatible and then see if there's a compromise, if they, well, I want to get married, but you want to get married too.
See if there's a compromise, see how important those dates are and discuss. You don't necessarily have to break up with somebody the minute they're like, I don't want any kids unless it's with the right woman. Like, let them finish the sentence, let them discover it themselves.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Yeah, I hear like, a little bit in that is giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and also getting curious to kind of just gain an understanding on their reasoning for, you know, these different ideas that they have about relationships.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
Right? My, my wife initially didn't want to get married because her entire life has been divorced. Up to that point. Mom, dad, grandma, everybody in her family has been divorced and she didn't want to be another divorced person. So, as we talked and we, we, you know, we, we, we got to a point where I don't think the, the discussion changed so much is.
Yeah. What the heck, I'll, I'll get divorced if that happens. But we felt comfortable and even at our wedding, we had fun with it because we went into marriage, having fun and, and really enjoying each other, we got married and she went and introduced herself to my family and friends that she hadn't met yet. And, like, hi, I'm Jamie. I'm Nathaniel's first wife.
And people were so incensed. Some people were who didn't know my, who, what kind of person I would marry. and I loved it because she was being honest, I am her first husband, possibly her last, but still I'm her first. So, and we joked to this day that so many people we got married before all of our friends were the kind of the first of the group. And we were, we were wondering how many people were betting how many years we would go.
So, every time we had 1/20 wedding anniversary in the Florida Keys and it was like, all right now everybody can sell your bets. It's over 20 years. Hopefully nobody bet over 20 years. And, it was a lot of fun. but yeah, we, we got to that point. I listened to her, she listened to me and we just figured, yeah, why not? Let's have fun with it.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Well, and in doing that, that also establishes trust when you can let your partner be heard you're giving them safety, you're giving them, hey, it's a nonjudgmental place for your deepest darkest secrets or desires or shames to be heard by me. Your trusted loved one.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
This is my point to go. Wow. Like that hit me like a brick wall. It's amazing insight. Like I didn't realize I was doing that sort of thing. Like I just trusted her and, and to, to show, to show that. Yeah, it's amazing. Thank you. Like, it's a whole different way to look at it.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Now, you're gonna have to tell her about this after.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
No, no, we don't talk kidding. Yeah. I absolutely will and I will actually include that in some of the advice I give as well. So thank you. Like, that's a great insight that, you know, I'm so used to seeing it from my end and when, and you're right, whenever she acts that way towards me, I feel more validated and like I could trust her more, which is hard to do after 20 years, you just kinda whatever you want to know, baby, I'll tell you, show you I don't care.
She has my passwords. She'll never use them, but she has my passwords. you know, and I'm sure I could get in anything else but there, the, there's the trust and the jealousy and I absolutely have no reason to look at her stuff, but in case I do pass or I'm in the hospital and she has to get into my stuff. She has access, she could, she could jump in on this show right now.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show, Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
That would be cool, Jamie if you're out there, come on in, we gotta talk.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
But yeah, I, I thank you so much. I wasn't, obviously I expect to learn from you every time we talk, but that was a big one.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
I kind of want to go back to something you were saying at the beginning of the show and we just got to into Yes. OK. You already know where I was going with it. OK. So, so go ahead, let's bring up rock and roll again for, for a second.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
So, in your intro, you talk about, we'll talk about this, this, you see rock and we'll get to like you. Yeah, that part of the intro. So I was like, wait, can we talk about rock and roll? Is that, is that?
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Yeah. Well, I mean, as long as it applies to relationships, we can talk about it.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
Oh, well, we, you know what, there is a way to talk about it in that deep purple, the band who you may or may not have heard a couple of songs from on, on oldies, I guess radio. Now, for me there, if you drew a family tree of rock and roll, they're somewhere near the, the origin because so many of their members have left the band and started other bands, that that have worked together with other people.
We've all heard of Ronnie James Deo, was in a deep purple spin off and famous guitar players and all these bands. And it's just this big offshoot tree of musicians, who got their start either through or got their fame by working with this person. And, and it goes to this very day of this, this, I, I think maybe sixties group when they started and how it all just, you know, became Rainbow. And then the, it's just amazing.
And actually at one point I've tried to do a family tree of rock and roll, starting with the band purple and all the relationships that, well, that's not why I'm, I'm, I'm wedging this into the conversation. But yeah, there's, there's a way to talk about it and, and I'm quite positive that the rock and roll podcasters spend quite a bit of time on stuff like this.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Probably, I would think so too.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
And I'm also, I'm really looking forward if you have any listeners who are in bands and want to discuss how fame has changed your relationship with the band and your band, relationships with other bands. I am fascinated by how success changes, relationships with a band. I've talked to a traveling comedian now, his life has changed as he got more famous, but I'm really interested in the band and the band dynamics.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
So, that's really interesting to bring up and you know, I just have this information from you and I talking about someone on the show being in a band. that's not me. So, I'm, I'm really curious if maybe you can speak to any, kind of relationship dynamics that happen while being in a band and how you might navigate those because, you know, especially a band like that tours, you're together, you're basically on top of each other all the time.
sometimes there's differing views on, you know, maybe what musical way you should go or do you just disagree on something and don't get along? So I'm curious if you have either any story to share or any advice to give on those kind of dynamics.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
Oddly enough, I've never really had questions from it. Bands just live through dysfunction and I think it's a lot of the fuel that they consume to do what they're doing and, and being a person into rock and metal, I think that works. I don't know about other genres. I think, you know, especially more of a solo artist. You would be more in control and, and you get to say what's going on, it doesn't matter my own personal band experience.
We were never good enough to go on tour. but it was one of the, it's weird to describe how intimate, even a gar garage level garbage band is with its with each other. hopefully, you're in a band that writes music, as well as does covers because it's a very, you're opening, you're, you're, you're standing in a room full of people, you know, and respect, hopefully you respect them or maybe even one or two.
You don't know. And you're putting something in front of them going. How does this sound? Do you like this? And you maybe put five minutes or five hours into this one idea and you have to just lay it on the ground and see what they think. Say this is it and either they love it, they hate it and you're gonna take it personal like, yeah, I did something great or that, that didn't go over well at all.
And, and, and you have, it's, it's very, I use the word intimate and I'm gonna use it again. It's intimate. You, you, you develop this kinship with a lot of the people in the room and as you play your first show, I don't want to use the word orgasm, but there is a climax of having done it. You all did it. You, you went out there and good or bad show. It doesn't matter.
You stood on stage and you took it and you delivered it and you did it and every time and it goes back to the first kiss that I mentioned earlier. The first show, the first show in any band is something I think most people remember forever, no matter how good or bad. It is. I will never forget all three of my first shows with different bands actually.
Yeah, I don't think I'll forget any of the shows. I didn't have that many, but in particular, I remember standing on, say we weren't even, we're still in high school and we played this local bar that was famous for having local and semi national touring acts. And we opened for an opening band that opened for the big band. Like we were, we, we, we had enough time to get our equipment on stage to play three songs and go and we were horrible and I forgot my lyrics and everything was bad.
And I had the best time of my life because I did it and I did it with my friends sort of thing. It was, it was something I, I wish everybody could experience and karaoke is almost up there too. Getting up on stage with a good friend and doing karaoke no matter how good you are unites you, there's something about it.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
So do karaoke if you're not in a band, I think, like, as you're talking about that, like this idea that you can be fully self expressed as yourself and completely seen by the audience or your band members. I mean, what better feeling in the world is to be seen?
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
Yeah. And even if, even if you don't do well and I certainly did. And that, that show, I just described it was awful. The people that had to sit through that if any of them are, well, still alive. If any of them are, are listening to this. I apologize. I really do. At one point. I, again, teenager cocky, I asked the crowd if, if they're having a great time and they, they told me no,
in unison, you're having a great time. No. Like, well, we still have your money and we kicked into the next song. I'm surprised I didn't get a bottle from him right in my head.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show, Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Like, oh my gosh, me too.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
You were a sassy teenager.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
It was, it was actually just the only way I could deal with them not liking it, I think like, all right, well, you hate me. So I'm gonna hate you back, which is probably how my next band got started. So, hm.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Well, I would love to talk about all your bands, but I do want to go into one thing and kind of like end the show talking about the relationships myth. So if we can spend some time talking about how this idea got born, tell the listeners what it's about so they can check you out and see you and maybe even call into the show.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
So I just to get into the history of the, my producers and I, we used to have a comedy show where we kind of pushed the envelope. It was 2020. We had nowhere to go and nothing to do. So we got equipment and we just would meet once a week and edit videos and show each other very messed up edits of stuff that was already on youtube, but we would break it.
I think I won't go into it. My or my most famous clip but and that just petered out every time we got, you know, if we started getting back into the world after the, the pandemic, some of the mitigations were in place and you could go and do things a little more comfortably and the show sort of stopped, but we never stopped talking. We never stopped chatting on Discord about what we, what would be fun.
And the idea came, hey, we should do something else. And I was like, I always wanted to do a relationship show. I always wanted to do a call in show when I was younger. Everybody else was listening to music, the pop music at the time. And I was listening to AM talk radio. I loved call in shows. I love the fact that anything could happen. Even if there was a topic like tonight, you and I, I could still talk about bands, it could just go left.
I love that. And so I asked them and these are, you know, my, my guy friends, we've done, we've recently done something that was moderately offensive to all of us. And I asked him do you want to do a serious call in show where we actually discuss relationships and give advice and have people call in and we're, we're live, which we didn't do before. We're live.
We say something stupid. We're canceled forever. So we have to be at our best and we have to learn new skills. I'm still learning people listening to this podcast will hear me say, too much and like, and I'm working on it. Everybody, I promise. I heard a whole thing on N pr about how they can't, some people can't even listen for more than two minutes.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show, Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
If somebody says like more than twice, oh, I'm screwed.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Then. I think that word a lot.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
It's a good word to be fair. The N pr article also comments on how it's fine. Don't, don't be angry at people that use that word. It's just language changing. It is a spoken comma. So like, I do it all. I'm working on. I'm just trying to. So I'm working on these new skills, which is fantastic. We're using new software. We're getting all these things.
But I'm very fortunate in that I get to do something I really love doing. I've been giving advice forever. I've wanted to do a talk show. I love working with friends. This is a band to wrap it all back up to put, to put bumpers on either side of this. These guys are my bandmates now. It has that same feeling we, we meet after the show or before the show and we throw ideas out and, and I hope they stick and I hope they like it and it just doesn't fall flat and when they do the same thing, Zaz will
come up with an idea. And I'm like, yeah, actually that's a brilliant idea. Thanks as, in our last show that you played the one game that Josh invented and I trusted him enough to just do it. Just go ahead because he knows he knows what we're trying to achieve with the show. And there's this love of it and to get back to why people should listen to us and call in, we've had some amazing call ins that I didn't expect.
I've helped people that I didn't expect to ever have call in with problems that as soon as they hear what the problem is, I start shaking because when I type a response on Reddit, I can delete it, I can make my change my mind halfway through and restart the post live. I can't do that. So the pressure is also exciting to give them proper and good advice in the moment and to, to listen to my producers as tell me whenever you know, he has to, on other occasion, hey, maybe realize you're only
hearing their side of the story and to take all the advice I've ever got I've ever received and all the things while still remembering that both my parents were English majors and I have to not be dumber. and that's impossible to try to do all of this at the same time is just so exciting that you get to hear me make mistakes when they do it. And you get to call in and ask your questions, you get to call me out.
If you disagree with advice I've given you get to have a page call in and tell me to shut up if you want. So you've never done that. You never have. But and I hope you never do because I, I, you, you might have to, I trust your opinion. I trust what my viewers are telling me. I, I listen and I think that's what makes my show fairly good is I'm not going for shock. We had one episode on Swingers and, and how they got into it. And then one lady who is into multiple partners at the same time and it got
the most hits and they didn't immediately go back to that. Well, I'm not trying to go for a shock show. I'm not trying to just get the numbers up. I wanna talk about real things with real people and if I can give real solutions and in the meantime, interview some very fascinating people a and bring positivity to whatever they've gone through whatever they've learned.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show, Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
So, I, I try to do it all I think you've achieved all of that.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Yeah, you're welcome. It's a great show. So how can listeners like, find you? Like, where do they, where did they join or how do they call in, you know, for people who are listening to this podcast right now?
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
So we the best way to get to find us right now is the relationship smith.com type it all out. I'm sorry. We are on Twitch, we are on youtube. I just started accounts with D Live and a couple of others that you know, D live is a joke and I'll say that on D Live. I don't care. And several other streaming vimeo and a couple of other streaming formats. So we'll be on there too.
But the easiest way to find us is go to the relationship smith.com and we'll give you links to the Twitch or to my Reddit account. If you want to give, you could ask me a question on Reddit, I will respond to you if you wanna call in. We post the number for every show, it's the same number, but we only post it during the show.
And our new software also allows us to have people join us live. So if you wanna talk and be on camera, we can give you a link, you can join us live, which I would prefer because I like seeing faces. as well and, and it, it, I don't need it necessarily. I just like it. I like to know who I'm talking to sometimes.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Well, I think when, you know, if you got to have a guest that you can see their face when they call in and are asking for advice, I think that also could change what advice you give based on their non verbal cues. There's so much that we miss in communication if we don't get to see facial expression or physical gestures.
And because maybe you can see hesitancy about them talking about a certain thing, but maybe their inflection in their voice doesn't demonstrate that. And if you're only getting the phone call, you're missing a lot of language.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
Yeah, I also, it's a challenge because I have to make sure I'm not letting unconscious bias affect me knowing full well, that unconscious bias, no matter how enlightened you think you are, it might affect you. So I have to fight that too, which is also a fun part of the challenge to make sure that my advice is based on their problem and not what I perceive. Oh, you wear glasses. So therefore that sort of thing.
So I wanna make sure that I, I give the advice, but again, it's a challenge I accept that I like, I like to make sure that I can, I can, it helps me be a better person as I go through these challenges and realize I can do it. And so I know, I know that sounds a little negative on my own side, but it's that important to me to acknowledge it, to make sure that I can give good advice to everybody.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Yeah. Well, like I said, I think you do a good job already. Listeners, if you haven't already gone to see the show, go see the relationship Smith, go get some advice.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
And our last show features this, I had, I interviewed somebody who has a, a podcast and a practice where they give therapy to ethical, non monogamous relationships. And, she was amazing. And that's our latest show. It's up now. It's edited on youtube and you should check it out because she was fantastic. She elevated the whole show for us.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Oh, gee, I wonder who that is. As I smiled knowing I'm lying because I know exactly who that is.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
It was you. And we had the best time after you left the after call, we couldn't shut up about you. You are fantastic. You're doing amazing work. You're helping a lot of people. And I will admit I, the first full show I listened to was your most recent as of this recording.
And I tripled in respect for you, the level of information, the quality of your guests. I hope I can only touch on the, the professionalism of the people before me and that will come after me I'm sure I love your show and you have a new regular listener.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Yeah. Well, thank you so much, Nate for being on here and for giving us just kind of your perspective of life. I think you have a lot of great advice to give and a lot of things to say that I think the world needs to hear. So I'm glad you decided to come on and be on my show too.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show
Thank you. I am honored to be here and I will be back any time you want. Thank you so much.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Ok. Listeners. Well, I will have all the links to check out the Relationship Smith show in the show notes for you. So you can go on, give a listen, give a call and start getting your own advice. They are live every Thursday.
Nate, The Relationship Smith Talk Show, Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
So Thursday nights, is that nine pm Eastern or we usually start, we try to get started around nine pm Eastern Standard Time every Thursday night.
Paige Bond, Licensed Marriage Therapist
Ok. All right guys. So you can call in after nine pm Eastern and until next time. Thanks for listening.
